Monday, July 24, 2006

I'm busy today, so here's a random post on yummy books

To-day I am busy preparing for a teensy tiny little dinner party I am throwing tomorrow, so I decided to be lazy and just post random images of a few of the more decorative old books I've liberated from various book shops.

Because I am a nerd! La la la la la la!

I didn't bother posting an image of my oldest book (the History of France, by Nathanial William Wraxall -- 1796), as the binding isn't very decorative. The language, however, is wonderfully decorative and has all sorts of terribly useful historical information regarding: Domeftic Events and Quarrels, Internal Fermentation and Intrigues, Exercifes and Diverfions, Theatrical Exhibitions, Corruption of the Age, Libertinifm of Manners, Paffion for Duels, Murders and Affaffinations, the Want of Police in Paris, Banditti, Offences Againft Morals, Magic, Demoniacs, Belief in Prodigies, Inceft, Peftilential Diftempers, and Canine Madnefs!

(informative excerpts below)

on the common problem of canine madness:
"Among the fcourges or calamities of the time may juftly be reckoned the frequency and deplorable effects of canine madnefs, particularly in Paris. No meafures of efficacy feem to have been purfued, for preventing the accidents; and fo imperfectly was the method of cure underftood, that it was cuftomary, on the firft fymptoms of infanity... to anticipate its progrefs, by putting the perfon to death. The mode of doing it was ufually by fuffocation between two feather-beds, or by laudenum."

on blasphemy and offences against morals:
"Blafphemy was, in more than one inftance, punifhed with an ignominious death. A lunatic, who called himfelf Jefus Chrift, was, without any regard for the difordered ftate of his intellects, publickly executed in 1597. In 1604, a man, convicted of having uttered horrible and execrable blafphemies againft Jefus Chrift and his moft holy mother, was hanged, and afterwards burnt at Paris... Nor can we forbear obferving, that, in the examples above cited and preferved by l'Etoile, the culprits were all low mechanics, or waiters at places of vulgar diverfion..."

on the plague, pestilential distempers and leprous diseases:
"In Auguft 1603, we find near two thoufand perfons dying of it weekly....Margaret of Valois in 1606, after feeing three of the officers of her houfehold perifh before her eyes, was neceffitated to quit her palace in the capital."
"Henry the Fourth... inherited that of curing the diftemper known by the name of the king's evil. ... As early as Eafter Sunday 1594, only about a fortnight after the fubjection of Paris, he touched publickly... in the court of the Louvre, conformably to an antient cuftom, fix hundred and fixty poor perfons infected with the fcrophula."
"It appears from concurring teftimonies, that towards the end of the fixteenth century, the Spaniards were much more univerfally afflicted with cutaneous and leprous diftempers, than the French."

on magic and those put to death for it:
"In 1609, a prieft and a ftone-cutter, convicted of magic, were hanged and burnt in Paris. The former was proved to have laid faid the ritual of the mafs backwards, and to have facrificed to the devil many times under the gallows. He had affociated to himfelf as affiffants or novicates, a number of lawyers' clerks, peafants, and fheperds, under promife of teaching them occult fecrets of various kinds."


Those were the good old days...

UPDATE: I just have to say that I love this site.

Sunday, July 23, 2006

Random_Speak: We don't just read the news-- we wear it!

And then we discuss it much, much, much, much later than all the other bloggers, because we're lazy and we'd rather nap and eat berries first.

News Items from the Week!

Monday: After carefully considering Saturday's discussion between the two world leaders, Vladimir Putin took to heart President Bush's statement about his "desire to promote institutional change in parts of the world like Iraq, where there is a free press and free religion", as well as the fact that Bush wants Russia to follow the same path. As part of this program of institutional change, Putin plans an extensive bombing campaign in Russia, followed by an influx of troops, torture, the reduction of women's rights, a move towards sharia law, the intimidation and killing of journalists, the installation of a puppet government and eventual civil war.

Tuesday: George Bush gave the German chancellor a rather sensual massage and asked her for her telephone number. Additionally, the President formally requested that Chancellor Merkel call him her "Yummy Cowboy Stud Muffin" whenever he addresses her as "My Little Sugar Knockers". There was no comment from the Chancellor.

Wednesday: Scientists protested the President's move to veto the bill allowing federal funding for embryonic stem cell research by using a lot of really big words the President just didn't understand. "Ramifications? Dissimilitude something something reality? Heck, I don't know what that means, " stated Bush, "but this crosses a moral boundary that our decent society needs to respect. We just can't let people murder these teensy tiny little boys and girls. And it's not just the embryos -- we need to protect the eggs and sperm too! Every month, billions of eggs are viciously murdered, and every day, billions of sperm meet the same gruesome death. We as Americans need to do something about it"

Thursday: George Bush addressed the NAACP in an effort to improve his somewhat strained relationship with African-Americans. "I understand that, uh, racism... heh heh heh, still lingers in, uh, America," Bush said. "It's a lot easier to change a law than to change a human heart. Heh heh. And I understand that you people distrust my political party, which, uh, heh heh heh heh." He added: "I come from a family committed to civil, heh heh heh, uh, civil, uh, rights, ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!" The President then concluded with a rousing vaudeville number while wearing blackface.

Friday: President Bush met with recently returned military service personnel and gave a moving speech (pertinent excerpts as follows): "I want our troops to understand that it's in our national interests that we win! And we will. We'll just keep sending you back over and over again, just to make sure! Got any younger brothers? Older brothers? Bring 'em by! Autistic, mentally ill, disabled, socially disturbed-- we'll take 'em all! As long as they're not queer, that is.... And we've got freedom on our side, too. And freedom is a powerful weapon. People want to be free to choose the Christian religion of their choice, free to have cheap gas and free to have bigger, faster SUVs..... "

Saturday: Five years ago on this date, Pres ident Bush and other world leaders concluded a summit in Genoa with a pledge to cooperatively combat global poverty and disease. President Bush celebrated the successful worldwide completion of this goal by having a homeless person for lunch.

Saturday, July 22, 2006

Odd Art: Body Parts for Your Home and Garden!

Yes, it's time for another very special post on Odd Art! To-day we have part II to our previous post on art that truly "makes a statement"-- this time by strewing various body parts all over your home and garden. We're not really sure exactly what this "statement" is, but we're dying to find out!

This classically beautiful “Lovers’ Embrace” is a sculptural indoor wall relief by Carlos Fernando Inglesias. Considered one of the greatest contemporary odes to necrophilia, this piece fits beautifully into any living room or foyer. Cast in designer resin at 2 1/2 feet tall (!), this romantic portrait depicts a hairless, legless woman passionately embracing a headless torso with severed limbs and gorgeously flexing muscles. It is truly a work of beauty and love.

Whereas the "Lover's Embrace" alludes to the great classical masterpieces, this “Face of van Gogh” wall sculpture by Carlo Bronti pays homage to one of our greatest modern artists. Although some art critics have complained over the presence of two ears on this sculpture, no one can argue with the fact that it takes van Gogh's style into a completely new dimension. Note the post-impressionist brushstrokes, the emotional expression, and the strong resemblence to Starry Night. It's perfect for the nursery or bathroom!

Moving on, we now come to“The Nightmare” wall sculpture by Alan Dickinson. This intricately sculpted masterpiece is a thinly-veiled portrait of someone with three heads and no body. Exquisitely sculpted and amazingly unique, this is truly a work of art. Buy it for your child today!

It is quite clear that many art collectors would love to own and display Michelangelo's "David" in their very own homes. Unfortunately, it is rather too big and guarded by burly Italians. Luckily, however, these “Fragments of David” sculptures are available for your kitchen, study or gallery. You can now enjoy collecting these designer resin bits and pieces of the world’s most famous sculpture! Buy a few ears and arrange them over your stereo system; buy a few eyes to display in the shower or a couple of noses to place by the toilet.... the possibilities are endless!

And now we reach the coup de grâce: “Skelly, The Garden Swimmer” sculpture. This mysterious masterpiece cannot really be classified in any known art genre, but it will certainly make an impression on the neighbors.

Friday, July 21, 2006

Is it really so wrong to want my very own gigolo-masseur-houseboy-servant????

After playing Ultimate Frisbee this week, I was quite sore due to an extremely extreme case of out-of-shape-ism. Luckily, if I can manage to find my own gigolo-masseur-houseboy-servant I feel I shall be cured immediately.

The Beginner's Guide to Ultimate Frisbee!
(I swear by these rules, and they've worked for me both times I've played so far)

1. Before the game, practice tossing the frisbee back and forth, making sure to fling it completely the wrong way. Bonus points if you accidentally fling it at everyone else warming up. Even more bonus points if you accidentally fling it at someone else's game!

2 . Look really confused.

3. Run very quickly in the wrong direction at least once or twice while forgetting whether you're supposed to be somewhat defensive or somewhat offensive.

4. For a change of pace, try accidentally blocking someone on your team rather than someone on the opposing team.

5. Don't forget to sprain your finger!

Thursday, July 20, 2006

Furthering My Cultural Education....

As I've decided to generally improve my mind, it behooves me to further my cultural education by watching many kung fu movies.

This week's pick is Evil Cult, a lovely and heartwarming classic starring Collin Chou and Jet Li with incredibly long hair. The plot involves a great deal of flying through the air, evil jinxes, suicide by exploding heart, bloodthirsty revenge, enormous eyebrows, cheesy bat costumes, explosions, demonic laughter, and energy transfusions. Oh, and there's a lot of awesome fight scenes too. I am posting my favorite dialogue, purely for informative purposes.

"I am all eyed"

Guy#1: "AY-aGH!!! It hurts!"
Guy#2: "Are you hurt?"
Guy#1: "Of course, but I can't lose my face in front of them."
Guy#2: "Never mind, I'll help you to cure your wound."
Guy#1: "It's useless, you've to suck the poison out the wound."
Guy#2: "No problem."
Guy#1: "Really?!!"
Guy#2: "Yes, I didn't take my words back"
Guy#1: "What a good buddy. See, the wound is on my ass."
(Guy #2 kicks him over the balcony)
Guy#1: "AY-AGGGHHHHHH!!!!!

"I've heard that you are great in Kung-Fu... I, Sung Yuen-Kiu,would like to offend you now."

"When you are exhausted, you will be in deep shit tool."

"Don't press my head with your ass!"

Guy#1: "Don't think I am a hundred years' old granny, my dicky erects every morning."
Guy#2: "What? Why isn't mine do the same?"
Guy#1: "You are weak."

"But I think, you are not virgin before practising such kung-fu."

"shit, will that make her pregnant?"

"what a hand job for you, pal."

"Your wife is so fat, it is no big deal for me to suck her blood!"

Guy# 1: "Master, Tse Shun is my buddy. If I betray him, I am not righteous and not loyal to my buddy."
Guy#2: "Right, how can you be non-righteous? Please give us some face then."

In other useless news, I have started playing Ultimate Frisbee, so later I will have an informative and educational post for beginners.

Tuesday, July 18, 2006

Took the day off today! Bwah ha ha ha ha ha!

I've decided that today is all ponies, all the time!

(borrowed from EominTheOne on

Sunday, July 16, 2006

Are You Rapture-Ready?

.........."OMG!"......."Yay!"......."Gee Whiz!"

Well, people are really excited about all the death and bombings and stuff in the Middle East lately! It's so cool that the Apocalypse is coming! People are getting maimed and killed left and right, and that's totally awesome!

Even though no one can agree whether the Antichrist is Henry Kissinger, Barney the Dinosaur, Sam Donaldson of ABC News or Bill Gates, the fact remains that the End Times are here -- and it's all because of computers, sex, the European Union, Rock and Roll, and Elizabeth Taylor!

Of course, this leads many to wonder: are we destroying the planet quickly enough, and are we truly "Rapture-Ready"?

As many Americans know, the Rapture is when Republican Party-approved Christians will spiritually ascend through the air to meet Christ in the sky, passing through walls and ceilings and leaving all their clothes and wallets behind. The world will be devastated as private jets and automobiles crash after millions of conservative donors disappear for their enormous mansions in Heaven.

This leads us to a sobering difficulty: we will leave all our clothing and underwear behind when the Rapture comes -- so how can we continue to think only pure, spiritual thoughts after flying around naked? No one can estimate the speeds at which we might be pulled up into the sky, but chances are there will be a lot of bouncing and jiggling involved. In fact, there could be tens of millions of sinful and dangly things floating around when the Glorious Moment arrives!

The Solution:
1. Follow a pre-Rapture diet of bread and water

2. Lock youself up in a room away from everyone else and pray to be free of the demon of lust

3. When the Rapture comes, try to grab a bathrobe or something if you possibly can.

4. Once you actually start ascending, concentrate on thinking about Margaret Thatcher or Dick Cheney to banish all lustful thoughts.

5. Keep your eyes closed at ALL TIMES

Otherwise, you will probably go to hell.

Wednesday, July 12, 2006

A Brief Primer on Acquiring Charm

As all Fashionable Young Ladies know, one must work at acquiring Daintiness and Charm.

The Random_Speak Charm School, which leads the blogosphere in its commitment to ladylike daintiness and polite refinement, now offers a brief course that includes the art of genteel deportment, civilized flesh reduction, and womanly decorum. While lesser competitors focus solely on stiletto heel fitness or proper wifely duties, we remain the only organization that is fully committed to all aspects of Daintiness and Charm.

We proudly offer the widest variety of flesh-reducing garments, which are specifically tailored to enable every young lady to fit delicately into even the finest of dancing frocks. Exquisitely designed and manufactured from only the highest quality rubber, we guarantee that your flesh will be quickly and quietly reduced, with a bare minimum of failure or death.

Our patented Scientific Beauty Culture course introduces only the finest and most sensible methods introduced by the world's foremost specialists! A variety of accessories can be tailored to meet all needs, including our proprietary combination chin-lifter/voice-minimizer!

And we use only the most up-to-date chemicals and preservatives to increase the feminine attributes, which are the most necessary for any young lady who wishes to be seen in Polite Society or catch a Husband.

We also provide personal electric spot reducers that can remove those troublesome blemishes, such as the stomach or face. Lab-tested with a 100 point system of safety, these products work wonders!

Of course, the most important aspect of acquiring charm is our seven day crash course on all that is feminine and dainty. Lessons in womanly deportment, modesty, and grace are also accompanied by introductions to the correct opinions and modes of fashion. In no time, even the weariest hag can be transformed into a fresh-faced young Lady.

Enquire now, as space is limited.

Monday, July 10, 2006

It's National Nude Recreation Week! Yay!

(Due to circumstances beyond our control, this is an actual blog post tonight)

I am quite sure that no one forgot that this is National Nude Recreation Week, and everyone is probably out celebrating right now.

To commemorate the occasion, we here at Random_Speak had originally planned a very special post filled with perkiness, spirited high jinks, frolicking, Bacchanalian revelry, merriment, romping, and completely irresponsible behavior.

However, we regret to inform you that the Censorship Committee has caught wind of the whole affair and replaced it with an alternative alternate post instead.

Our apologies.

Excerpts from Emily Post's book on Etiquette (1922)
Chapter XIX: The Chaperone and Other Conventions

"Young girls for whose sole benefit and protection the chaperon exists (she does not exist for her own pleasure, youthful opinion to the contrary notwithstanding), have infinitely greater freedom from her surveillance than had those of other days, and the typical chaperon is seldom seen with any but very young girls, too young to have married friends. Otherwise a young married woman, a bride perhaps scarcely out of her teens, is, on all ordinary occasions, a perfectly suitable chaperon, especially if her husband is present. A very young married woman gadding about without her husband is not a proper chaperon."
" No young girl may live alone. Even though she has a father, unless he devotes his entire time to her, she must also have a resident chaperon who protects her reputation until she is married or old enough to protect it herself—which is not until she has reached a fairly advanced age, of perhaps thirty years or over if she is alone, or twenty-six or so if she lives in her father’s house and behaves with such irreproachable circumspection that Mrs. Grundy is given no chance to set tongues wagging."
" A young girl may not, even with her fiancé, lunch in a road house without a chaperon, or go on a journey that can by any possibility last over night. To go out with him in a small sail-boat sounds harmless enough, but might result in a questionable situation if they are becalmed, or if they are left helpless in a sudden fog. The Maine coast, for example, is particularly subject to fogs that often shut down without warning and no one going out on the water can tell whether he will be able to get back within a reasonable time or not. A man and a girl went out from Bar Harbor and did not get back until next day. Everyone knew the fog had come in as thick as pea-soup and that it was impossible to get home; but to the end of time her reputation will suffer for the experience."

(We sincerely hope that this has been informative)

Sunday, July 09, 2006

Another Very Special Post on Odd Art!

As part of our ongoing effort to educate the public on the wonder and beauty of the great art masterpieces throughout history, we are proud to present a little-known example of the genius of Caravaggio: Boy Bitten By Lizard, which was painted sometime between 1595 and 1600.
(click to enlarge)

Very few people can resist the sensuous nature of this allegorical painting, which seethes with eroticism and a highly charged sexuality, as any perfectly competent critic can tell you. The rose, the cherries, the middle finger being bitten-- all are meant to suggest the pain of physical love. Indeed, Caravaggio supposedly painted a series of such paintings. Sadly, however, the rumored existence of Boy Bitten on Ass by Alarming Mosquito and Boy Attacked By Rabid Herd of Mice cannot be verified; these works are feared to be lost forever. It is only by very good fortune that this survived to be viewed by the public today.

Of course, after admiring such an exquisite masterpiece, one only clamors for more! His charming Head of Medusa exudes a glorious sense of the futility of life, of overwhelming desperation, tragedy, and loss.

And thanks to modern technology, you can purchase your very own reproduction to hang in the kitchen or dining room. Don't forget to order one today!

Tuesday, July 04, 2006

Happy Fourth of July!!

Let's go bomb someone!

Ha ha ha! Just kidding! That's not the sort of thing we do around here.

To celebrate on this august occasion, we here at Random_Speak are presenting a very special post on American History, as it is generally accepted in today's mainstream culture! Yay!

The Colonial Period
This period saw the heart-warming friendship between the Indians and the Pilgrims, who were saved from starvation when Pocahontas gave them popcorn and turkey. As a gesture of their goodwill, the noble Indians smoked peace pipes and graciously made room for new settlers by moving to more convenient locations called reservations.

The gutsy Colonists won their independence from England after having dumped a lot of tea in a harbor. No one knows why they did this. However, in the ensuing confusion, Paul Revere rode through town yelling "The British are coming! The British are coming!", while the Colonists shot a lot of muskets at the redcoats and Betsy Ross sewed the American flag.

Then the Liberty Bell cracked, George Washington crossed a river while standing in a terribly awkward position, the Declaration of Independance was signed, and the Constitution was written. The Declaration begins "We hold these truths to be self-evident...", but no one is really quite sure what comes after that. The Constitution made Protestant Christianity our national religion, as well as guaranteeing Americans the right to own lots of guns and blast the bejeezus out of people.

This is why we drink a lot of beer and blow things up to celebrate the Fourth of July.

Civil War
If you are from the North, the Civil War was fought to free the slaves, who all lived happily ever after. If you are Southern, the War of Northern Aggression was started by Abraham Lincoln to protect his career in politics, and the slaves were perfectly happy singing songs in the fields.

World War I
This was the second most significant event in American History, next to World War II. Someone was assassinated somewhere, and the United States saved the rest of the world from Hitler. Or someone. It was very patriotic.

The Great Depression
This may have had something to do with liberal policies, but no one is really quite sure. It was a terrible tragedy and caused a lengthy slump in the economy. There were a lot of hobos, and mutual funds weren't doing very well at the time. Luckily, the market is back up.

World War II
This was the most significant event in all of American History, which is why the History Channel devotes itself entirely to battles from this period. After countless people were killed at Pearl Harbor, the United States saved the rest of the world from Hitler again and then became the world's biggest superpower by inventing the nuclear bomb. A lot of things were blown up, American GIs were very heroic, and a lot of ticker tape parades were thrown. Only no one knows what ticker tape is anymore.

Post World War II
Everyone took a lot of drugs during the sixties, the Beatles were terribly popular, John F. Kennedy was assassinated, and we won the Cold War because we're the greatest nation in the world. Then September 11th happened.

And that's all you ever need to know

Monday, July 03, 2006

I'm Back

I am blogging again after a horridly loathsome month of deadlines, stress and non-fruitful apartment hunting.

Additionally, there has been an abominable lack of champagne, beefcake and yachting trips, a deplorable situation that has left me rather indisposed, subject to headaches, vexation and woe.

This, of course, has also led to sporadic attacks of exaggeration, but we are soldiering on, nonetheless.

To-day I am languishing over the lack of a suitably charming new apartment to rent. My current abode simply will not do, as the landlord is increasing the rent to an ungodly sum, and the lease stipulates "no pets"-- especially no goggle-eyed chihuahuas, and most especially no de-scented skunks, both of which I am considering as suitable pet options from a mental health perspective.

In order to procrastinate on budgeting and future house-hunting, I have been wandering aimlessly with various inappropriate acquaintances and watching terrible films filled with cheesy explosions, rubber monster suits, technicolor smoke, and concerned-looking scientists who run around with yellow plastic suits and head implants.
"the monsters look cute when you look at them from this angle!"
"the city's been invaded by Godzilla!"
"in order to build the scientific civilisation, we need to sacrifice some lives!"

Incidentally, I have also been toying with various possible new slogans for Random_Speak, courtesy of this Advertising Slogan Generator. I just don't know which one speaks to me the most

"Happiness is a Cigar Called Random_speak."
"The Random_speak Goes Straight to your Head."
"Got a Random_speak? You're in Luck."
"Better Living Through Random_speak."
"Feel The Raw Naked Random_speak Of The Road."
"Can You Tell Random_speak From Butter?"
"Random_speak Tested, Mother Approved."
"Bet You Can't Eat Random_speak."
"Be Young, Have Fun, Drink Random_speak."

hat tip to Pharyngula for the link

* the next post will be a real one, I swear

** I seem to have an ungodly number of comments. I shall commence reading and responding