They Forgot All About Me
The contest is devoted to "writers with a little talent and no taste", so it is really quite vexing that I discovered it too late.
This year's winner was penned by an American named Dan McKay. According to CNN online, his winning entry read as follows: "As he stared at her ample bosom, he daydreamed of the dual Stromberg carburetors in his vintage Triumph Spitfire," he wrote, comparing a woman's breasts to "small knurled caps of the oil dampeners."
OH PLEASE! I can write at least as badly as the next person!
Here are just a few examples of my talent; read 'em and weep:
1. The blushing maiden was surrounded by darkly wing'ed night creatures, as billowy gray clouds will sometimes surround the sparkling sun in merry spring, but she took no heed, continuing to delicately pluck sweet strains from a golden lyre as her sumptuously creamy bosom heaved and swelled like an ivory ship tossing about on a turgid sea.
2. The atmosphere in the dank courtroom was so stiffly thick with bristling emotional tension that one felt it could be sliced quite easily with a dull butter knife, briefly isolating each individual moment with startling clarity, as a gleaming pat of butter will momentarily crown a steaming dinner roll before melting into a distant obscurity.
3. After Lord Dexter Montrose III of Surrey blandly allowed his mind to wander over his immense fortune and fabulously exotic list of worldly possessions, the family castle, his two mansions in New York, his summer villa in Firenze, the stables filled with world-class thoroughbreds, his exquisitely peroxided young wife and the adoring peasants, he realized, finally, that he just wanted to say "Screw it" and be an artist.
And don't forget -- that's really just the tip of the iceberg!