Tuesday, July 04, 2006

Happy Fourth of July!!

Let's go bomb someone!

Ha ha ha! Just kidding! That's not the sort of thing we do around here.

To celebrate on this august occasion, we here at Random_Speak are presenting a very special post on American History, as it is generally accepted in today's mainstream culture! Yay!

The Colonial Period
This period saw the heart-warming friendship between the Indians and the Pilgrims, who were saved from starvation when Pocahontas gave them popcorn and turkey. As a gesture of their goodwill, the noble Indians smoked peace pipes and graciously made room for new settlers by moving to more convenient locations called reservations.

The gutsy Colonists won their independence from England after having dumped a lot of tea in a harbor. No one knows why they did this. However, in the ensuing confusion, Paul Revere rode through town yelling "The British are coming! The British are coming!", while the Colonists shot a lot of muskets at the redcoats and Betsy Ross sewed the American flag.

Then the Liberty Bell cracked, George Washington crossed a river while standing in a terribly awkward position, the Declaration of Independance was signed, and the Constitution was written. The Declaration begins "We hold these truths to be self-evident...", but no one is really quite sure what comes after that. The Constitution made Protestant Christianity our national religion, as well as guaranteeing Americans the right to own lots of guns and blast the bejeezus out of people.

This is why we drink a lot of beer and blow things up to celebrate the Fourth of July.

Civil War
If you are from the North, the Civil War was fought to free the slaves, who all lived happily ever after. If you are Southern, the War of Northern Aggression was started by Abraham Lincoln to protect his career in politics, and the slaves were perfectly happy singing songs in the fields.

World War I
This was the second most significant event in American History, next to World War II. Someone was assassinated somewhere, and the United States saved the rest of the world from Hitler. Or someone. It was very patriotic.

The Great Depression
This may have had something to do with liberal policies, but no one is really quite sure. It was a terrible tragedy and caused a lengthy slump in the economy. There were a lot of hobos, and mutual funds weren't doing very well at the time. Luckily, the market is back up.

World War II
This was the most significant event in all of American History, which is why the History Channel devotes itself entirely to battles from this period. After countless people were killed at Pearl Harbor, the United States saved the rest of the world from Hitler again and then became the world's biggest superpower by inventing the nuclear bomb. A lot of things were blown up, American GIs were very heroic, and a lot of ticker tape parades were thrown. Only no one knows what ticker tape is anymore.

Post World War II
Everyone took a lot of drugs during the sixties, the Beatles were terribly popular, John F. Kennedy was assassinated, and we won the Cold War because we're the greatest nation in the world. Then September 11th happened.

And that's all you ever need to know


Anonymous wendy boucher said...

I'm so glad you are back I could cry. But I won't. Just a little swoon. Happy Fourth of July to you too.

4:54 PM  
Blogger L said...

Wendy: well, we can't have you crying all over the place now.... there's no crying in the blogosphere :)

8:56 PM  
Blogger NPR Junky said...

Darling! Welcome back! Are we not going to teach anyone about how the US sticks its nose where it doesn't belong and thus invites worldwide scorn and widespread finger shaking?

2:26 PM  
Blogger L said...

NPR Junkie: thank you :) I'll believe that when I see it! It's amazing how "whitewashed" our history has been; I've had more than one Southern Baptist tell me, with a perfectly straight face, how slavery was actually "good for the black people"....

6:44 PM  

Post a Comment

<< Home