Sunday, July 23, 2006

Random_Speak: We don't just read the news-- we wear it!

And then we discuss it much, much, much, much later than all the other bloggers, because we're lazy and we'd rather nap and eat berries first.

News Items from the Week!

Monday: After carefully considering Saturday's discussion between the two world leaders, Vladimir Putin took to heart President Bush's statement about his "desire to promote institutional change in parts of the world like Iraq, where there is a free press and free religion", as well as the fact that Bush wants Russia to follow the same path. As part of this program of institutional change, Putin plans an extensive bombing campaign in Russia, followed by an influx of troops, torture, the reduction of women's rights, a move towards sharia law, the intimidation and killing of journalists, the installation of a puppet government and eventual civil war.

Tuesday: George Bush gave the German chancellor a rather sensual massage and asked her for her telephone number. Additionally, the President formally requested that Chancellor Merkel call him her "Yummy Cowboy Stud Muffin" whenever he addresses her as "My Little Sugar Knockers". There was no comment from the Chancellor.

Wednesday: Scientists protested the President's move to veto the bill allowing federal funding for embryonic stem cell research by using a lot of really big words the President just didn't understand. "Ramifications? Dissimilitude something something reality? Heck, I don't know what that means, " stated Bush, "but this crosses a moral boundary that our decent society needs to respect. We just can't let people murder these teensy tiny little boys and girls. And it's not just the embryos -- we need to protect the eggs and sperm too! Every month, billions of eggs are viciously murdered, and every day, billions of sperm meet the same gruesome death. We as Americans need to do something about it"

Thursday: George Bush addressed the NAACP in an effort to improve his somewhat strained relationship with African-Americans. "I understand that, uh, racism... heh heh heh, still lingers in, uh, America," Bush said. "It's a lot easier to change a law than to change a human heart. Heh heh. And I understand that you people distrust my political party, which, uh, heh heh heh heh." He added: "I come from a family committed to civil, heh heh heh, uh, civil, uh, rights, ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!" The President then concluded with a rousing vaudeville number while wearing blackface.

Friday: President Bush met with recently returned military service personnel and gave a moving speech (pertinent excerpts as follows): "I want our troops to understand that it's in our national interests that we win! And we will. We'll just keep sending you back over and over again, just to make sure! Got any younger brothers? Older brothers? Bring 'em by! Autistic, mentally ill, disabled, socially disturbed-- we'll take 'em all! As long as they're not queer, that is.... And we've got freedom on our side, too. And freedom is a powerful weapon. People want to be free to choose the Christian religion of their choice, free to have cheap gas and free to have bigger, faster SUVs..... "

Saturday: Five years ago on this date, Pres ident Bush and other world leaders concluded a summit in Genoa with a pledge to cooperatively combat global poverty and disease. President Bush celebrated the successful worldwide completion of this goal by having a homeless person for lunch.


Blogger Cap'n Rich said...

Great, great, great! Clap, clap, clap!

All this and you iove Tesla too!

Are you for real? :)

4:18 AM  
Blogger Tom Degan's Daily Rant said...

This is the greatest site! We've gotten to the point with this administration where it is hard to tell the difference between satire and reality. One might make the case that the whole affair is purely unintentional parody. Either way, is sure is entertaining in a sick and depressing sort of way. The Chinese used to have a blessing which was also a curse: May you live in interesting times. Oh we certainly do, don't we?
Tom Degan

4:45 AM  
Blogger Ron Southern said...

Giving 'em all a buzz cut today? Congratulations!

12:29 PM  
Blogger L said...

Cap'n Rich: I am defintily for real. Just slightly odd.

Tom: Thanks for the compliment! I always worry about what's coming...

Ron: thanks! heh heh

8:31 PM  
Blogger Tom Harper said...

Excellent recap of the week's news. Even if it's satire, it pretty much sums up our poor excuse for a "president."

1:59 AM  
Blogger L said...

Tom: yes, I'm thinking of a career in journalism... :)

3:17 PM  

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