Another Year... Not Dead Yet!

To-day was my birthday, which was celebrated idling in doctor's offices discussing new and exciting age-related illnesses, as well as having my skin poked and prodded for various and highly dangerous skin cancers. It was all terribly exciting, and my doctor high-fived me when he discovered that I'd developed my very first age spot!

After a wonderfully charming lunch with Sandra and Rene, I shuffled home to have a series of small heart attacks over house prices, reminisce over the past, and complain loudly about all these irresponsible young whippersnappers running around with their pants down.

The questions for today are: should I start discussing things like gastrointestinal disorders and sciata? And what is sciata exactly, and how does one go about acquiring it? Also, would one of those little pill organizers lettered with the days of the week really make a good investment for someone like me?

Other Purchases to Ponder:
1. a large plastic flower or tennis ball to place on my car antenna
2. a muumuu
3. orthapedic shoes
4. an enormous (yet cool!) tricycle for hauling groceries around
5. the complete collection of Lawrence Welk

I had other items to add to the agenda but cannot remember what they were, as I've been busy forgetting my medications and wandering off.

Have you considered asbestos for your home?

I have!

OMG!!! Kittens!!!

Yours Truly has just trickled in from the très chic Beehives salon, which is to be highly recommended as I generally get to look at a kitten or a puppy almost every time I go in. To-day they passed around kittens like party favors, and now I am barfing out rainbows and sunshine like nobody's business. There is nothing like fuzzy black kittens to give one a sense of joie d'vivre and bonheur, as well as a bunch of other fabulously French words I am too lazy to look up.

Somehow, they also managed to give me a lovely coiffure while I sneezed and read lovely trashy gossip about anorexically buffed celebrities misbehaving badly.

In other useless news, my dear friend *Gerald went out with us last night and bragged about his new painful piercing. Of course, I'm too much of a lady to say exactly where the piercing is popularly said to be located, but I will say that it rhymes with "clenis".

I don't know about everyone else, but I plan to spend the rest of the day idling irresponsibly and nibbling on things that are terribly, terribly bad for me.



*"Gerald" isn't really his **name (I thought it would be a good idea to preserve his anonymity on teh intranets). His real name is Craig!

** The Random_Speak committee has decided that "Gerald" would be a fabulous name for a kitten, if we ever acquired one

Recent Activities...

I'm afraid that it's now officially official: I am house-hunting in a terribly earnest and somewhat matronly manner. Of course, house-hunting is a bit easier than it sounds, as it doesn't require a special license or gun-- and houses just sit around doing nothing in particular rather than fleeing in an alarming manner. Although the search is exhausting, it hasn't been too horribly dangerous, with the exception of a particularly vicious assault from feral laminate flooring.

There are so many charmingly overpriced fixer-uppers that it's quite difficult to choose just where I should finally settle down with my very own weed-infested lawn and feuding neighbors. But it's all so wonderfully exciting, what with all the paperwork, the documentation, additional paperwork, paper documents, documentary paperwork, extra documentation, and various papery things.

This might sound somewhat stressful, but I take solace in the fact that having my very own house means I can also quite easily have my very own pets... Like termites! Or roaches!

Anyway, it's quite a wonderful process that everyone should experience.

Other recent randomness:
1. This weekend I participated in another Ultimate Frisbee tournament, in which my team came in next to last. This may or may not have something to do with the fact that I accidentally named our team "Frederick". Others had suggested "The Pukes" or "Baby Poo", but "Frederick" was deemed to be much more dignified. Teams we played against included the "Tighty Whities" and "The Macaroons", among others.

2. I attended a lovely baby shower, for which I made an ungodly amount of whipped cream.... said whipped cream stared at me reproachfully all afternoon after not being eaten.

3. Various new art pieces somehow managed to find their way to my apartment; I'm not quite sure how this sort of thing happens, as it's quite irresponsible as well as mysterious.

4. Carrie Mackin, Kym O'Donnell and Joe Griffith won art picks for Creative Loafing's Best of the Bay.

5. Quite sadly, there was also an award for the "Saddest Arts Trend: Tampa Bay's Cultural Brain Drain", which is not surprising...



To-day I'm listening to this and to this because they make me giggle.

heh

my sister's boyfriend is doing an amusing little project on YouTube

A real post later.

Must. Watch. Jet. Li.

Lazy

We are feeling terribly lazy to-day, but we have cooked up a batch of delicious links just for you.



film editing does make a difference
mail art
Nicolas Lampert art (check out the meatscapes)
world beard and moustache championship
items for punk rock babies
product warnings
puppetfilm
action figures (Cap'n Danger Stunt Monkey, Li'l Sideshow Frog Girl, Avenging Unicorn...)
protect yourself from alien abduction
stupid movie physics
the absinthe museum
the time travel fund
Radio Dismuke!
graveyard of drunken souls game
all cranks all the time
useful French phrases for the ugly American
Roger Moore's eyebrows

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

While cleaning out my parents' house, we've been going through some old photos-- these are my favorites so far....

My father displaying the very latest in fashionable leisure wear.


The parents on a lovely couch


My mother holding Jason (striped hat) and me (picking my nose)


Admiring some gorgeous macrame


Ally (after scratching a cornea)

Some Funny Old Postcards I Found...

I found these while puttering around in an antique mall a couple of weeks ago.... click to enlarge


The date on them appears to be 1907, and one of them has a charming (sinister?) little note:
"Dearest Cousin,
I received your welcome letter. Will be delighted to come after you and Mabel if the weather is favorable. It will be some time on Saturday I think.
Good bye.
Lella"

I certainly hope that "come after you" doesn't mean what it means today.

Old letters and postcards are so funny -- So far my favorite one was written by a soldier during World War I. In it he assures his sweetheart that she needn't worry about him "falling in love with a beautiful nurse" as he remains "disgustingly healthy".

I forget who asked me to post these....

some odd little test shots of me and Ally from the last photo shoot with Kym....


These are a couple of images from her last show

Due to circumstances beyond my control, this is an actual blog post tonight

I hope everyone remembered to celebrate National Trivia Day today!

I briefly considered throwing a highly improper costume bash to celebrate, but then realized that I'd mislaid my sassy gold lamé Martian princess outfit. Again! And if I can't afford my very own petting zoo, then how can I ever afford enough champagne to fill a swimming pool? I feel quite peeved, to be perfectly honest. However, I cannot let the day pass without including only the very best in educational trivia...

to wit, "Valuable Facts For the Discerning Individual"


1. The longest recorded flight by a chicken is thirteen seconds.

2. For the amusement of Louis XI, the Abbot of Baigne constructed an unusual musical instrument consisting of a small herd of pigs that squealed in different ranges when pricked by spikes attached to a keyboard.

3. Seabee Leon Louie was the first person to ever be court-martialed for throwing a pie.

4. The Ophites were an early Christian sect who required that the communion be licked by snakes before being given to worshippers.

5. Shitala is the Indian goddess of smallpox.

6. The War of Jenkin's Ear (between Spain and Great Britain), which lasted almost ten years, was declared after a British sea captain claimed that the Spanish coast guard severed his ear (later pickled).

7. Levophobia is the fear of objects to the left side of the body

8. The French poet Edouard Corbiere spent a large amount of time constructing scale models of ships then destroying them.

9. In 1877 a Belgian society was formed to promote the use of cats to deliver mail.

10. A whale's penis is called a dork

Resolutions:

Happy Belated New Year!



As is only right and proper, I have dutifully compiled a brief list of my New Year's Resolutions:

1. Buy a house
2. Finish writing my dreadful novel
3. Go to the gym or play Ultimate Frisbee at least every other day
4. Write a new blog post every day
5. Eat a healthier diet full of things like wheat and spinach and brown rice
6. Finally read Proust's Remembrance of Things Past
7. Try yoga
8. Throw myself back out into the dating scene and flirt with only NICE young men
9. Be kind to animals
10. Go to grad school to study chemistry so I can become an expert in rocket propellants and accidentally blow up enormous buildings and cars like Heather does.


HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!

Just kidding! Here are the real resolutions:

1. Procrastinate on buying a house for a while, then finally do it while completely freaking out over the amount of money I'm spending, then discover something horribly wrong with the roof or something like that.
2. Finish writing my dreadful novel, self-publish it on Lulu, and give it to people when they annoy me
3. Play Ultimate Frisbee twice a week and drink beer afterwards. Think very very hard about going to the gym every once in a while then let my membership lapse.
4. Write a new blog post every day when I'm ill or bored. Neglect the blog when there are fun parties.
5. Eat a healthier diet full of things like cheese and chocolates and berries
6. Pull Remembrance of Things Past from the bookshelf, stare at it a bit, reshelve it and read Wisconsin Death Trip or Freakshow instead.
7. Try yoghurt
8. Throw myself back into the dating scene but continue to flirt with inappropriate men, because that's more fun and who am I kidding anyway?
9. Be kind to the animals that I don't actually wind up eating.
10. Wistfully think of going to grad school to blow up buildings but suddenly realize that I am Lazy and not really all that fond of chemistry anyway.

SantAnarchy

One of several very fun holiday events was SantAnarchy, which involves dressing up in holiday garb, drinking beer, and singing obscene carols. Somehow, we managed to completely dominate the dance floor at every bar we visited.


Some people made the Naughty list.


Some were terribly well behaved.


In addition to Santas, Miss Santas, and Santa's Little Helpers there were also Super Santas, Christmas Trees with real lights, tons of elves, a few reindeer, and a ho or two. Darth Santa led the carols.


As you can see, even Jesus Christ managed to make it to the festivities


There was also a mosh pit.


Oh, and also a Nutcracker or two.


and oodles and oodles of Santas...


there are more photos, but these were my favorites.

And a Lovely Christmas Was Had By All....

Yes, we have been misbehaving badly in not posting, but we have plenty of excuses:

1. the dire need to be lovely and charming at various events
2. the lengthy process of cleaning out the parents' house now that their divorce is final
3. barfing up a lung

As I was mostly Nice and not too terribly Naughty last year, I received some lovely presents from Santa: a 6 boxed set of ninja movies, cookbooks, jewelry, chocolates, teas, and various nibbly things.

My favorite cookbook was probably "Treasured Armenian Recipes" (1949), which, of course, includes a recipe for Brain Salad. The recipe notes that one must "Clean brain of all red veins, wash thoroughly in cold water, simmer in salted water for 20 minutes. Drain and cool. Arrange on lettuce leaves, add chopped parsley and green onions, and sprinkle olive oil and lemon juice...."

it also includes a recipe for Madzoon and helpfully informs the reader that "To make madzoon you must first obtain 1/2 cup of madzoon..."

The recipe for Khash Or Pasha includes such delicacies as 4 calves hoofs, 6 lambs tongues, 2 lbs. Calves tripe, 2 garlic cloves, salt, pepper, and paprika. When making Khash Or Pasha, "It is best to buy the feet already cleaned if possible. Otherwise soak feet in boiling water to loosen the shoe, then take off the shoe from each foot. Singe all hairs and scrape off the rest with the edge of a knife. Wash everything very thoroughly. Soak the feet and stomach in water over-night."

It also has recipes for "Paste" and "Topic", and a large number of the recipes call for an ingredient called "Spry".

I will provide full recipes upon request.