Wednesday, February 08, 2006

Working My Tailfeathers Off... More Odd Art

I've been terribly, terribly, terribly, terribly, terribly busy this week. So I am continuing an irresponsible pattern of blogging in an un-charming manner... After all, you get what you pay for at Random_Speak!

While this weekend I might post on the dangers of rabid Republicans and deranged Democrats, spring fashion, stuffed animals, the national deficit running amok, gay cowboys, monkeys, running for public office, or any one of a number of fascinating things, today I am too Lazy to do so. I'd rather just post another homage to very Odd Art.... mainly because it requires little to no actual effort.

Today's Episode:
A Scholarly Look at the Art of Velvet Painting!

Most art experts consider this to be one of the finer examples of American art, mainly because it combines a classic subject (Dogs playing poker or pool) with that time-honored and classic genre of painting on black polyester velvet. Note the almost human expressions, the vivid colors, the funny hats, and the fact that they have mysteriously acquired opposable thumbs. Truly a masterpiece!

Another unusual masterpiece, "Saint Elvis", combines two of the more famous black velvet painting subjects: Our Lord Jesus Christ and Elvis Presley. Whereas Elvis seems to have inexplicably become a young hispanic man, he retains the powerful symbolism of Christ's bloody heart exploding from his pulsing chest. This is more moving than words could ever possibly say.

Like Picasso, the genius behind this masterpiece was not afraid to explore the limits of sensuality. The beautiful model, while sadly lacking an arm and breasts, still manages to send an erotic come-hither glance to the powerful unicorn, whose horn is clearly erect. Not even Hugh Hefner could have thought of such an incredibly carnal and seductive image to titillate the viewer. I hope no one's too hot and bothered!

Like another famous contemporary artist, Thomas Kinkade, this unknown master perfectly captures something in this "painting of light". The incredible texture, the psychedelic colors, the eerily floating landscape... they all unite in one powerful statement that is too philisophical, too esoteric, too deep, and too personal to share.

Only the most stone-hearted individual would fail to be moved by this adorable depiction of a half human-half insect being potty-trained while surrounded by a large pool of blood. As many experts have pointed out, there is a long tradition of depicting such bodily functions in classic art, and this is no exception. It should be noted that the artist has wisely left much to the imagination-- including, perplexingly, whatever it was that this small child killed.

In this masterpiece, a lesser-known but no less important wildlife artist has depicted the rare and beautiful sight of jet-propelled dolphins attacking each other midflight under a full moon. That one of the true mysteries of Nature could be so beautifully portrayed on velvet leads one to a sense of awe and wonder. Is it any wonder that it has caused no less than three art critics to swoon?

Perky, isn't she?

More velvet paintings for your viewing pleasure!


Anonymous Professor Twain said...

Fabulous post. I have always been a fan of this kind of art, and have not so secretly dreamed of owning a large, tacky piece of it. Mrs. Twain has thwarted my dreams in this respect. BUT, I have a very nice print of dogs playing poker in my Florida room, hanging reverently above the pool table.
Hope the work slows down for you, mine has been crazy too.

12:30 AM  
Anonymous tim said...

I have a velvet Jesus in my office. Nobody knows how it got there. I'm totally jacking it when I move out.

3:08 PM  
Blogger L said...

My Dear Professor: after viewing these, I developed a strange urge to begin collecting them... there's an almost hypnotic fascination.

and work is starting to slow down :)

Tim: oh, you lucky duck!

10:50 AM  
Blogger glomgold said...

Yeah, I was gonna say something about those dog-thumbs. I can't even think of any comments for the other pictures.

7:49 PM  
Blogger L said...

Glomgold: yes, they do tend to make most people speechless. True art does that.

11:45 PM  
Anonymous VirusHead said...

I started giggling out loud at your comments on the third painting. By then end, I was helplessly shrieking with laughter. Either we are kindred spirits or I really have to get out more. Great post.

10:27 PM  
Blogger L said...

hello virushead :) these paintings are so hilarious that I was laughing by the third one too!

1:48 PM  

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