Thursday, April 27, 2006

Feel the Fashion! A Report on Color and What it Means For You!

Fashion today is much much more than just ridiculously priced designer clothing, dangerously pointy shoes and pants so low they show your hoo-hah.

And it isn't just about cocaine binges, celebrity sightings, anorexia and snide remarks either!


Fashion today is about color as much as anorexia, so we here at Random_Speak have provided a brief tutorial on how you too can make color work for you!

How to Determine Your Skin Tone
Use this handy guide to determine which season most accurately describes your skin tone. People can usually be divided into various "seasons" as well as the more traditional and arbitrary social castes based on their complexions.

1. "Winter" skin tones are usually terribly pale with blue undertones, which means that people with winter complexions are usually tech geeks or corpses. The skin can be pale white, blueish white, pinkish white or translucent. Winter people are generally quite sickly and don't venture outdoors very often. People with Winter complexions should avoid wearing too much black.

2. "Summer" skin tones, just like winter complexions, have pale skin, but generally with pinkish undertones. Those with a summer complexion usually have creamy complexions, blue eyes and light hair that comes straight from the bottle. Summer people will frequently go to tanning booths, so their skin gets a bit leathery after a while, and they should avoid wearing gold lamé

3. "Autumn" skin tones are usually creamy white with golden undertones. Natural redheads and brunettes with brown eyes would be placed in this category. The redheads will tend to burn and peel horribly, while the brunettes will tends toward acne. Unfortunately, Autumn people are not fashionable this season, but they should still avoid flourescent colors regardless.

4. "Spring" skin tones are usually a creamy whitish peach with golden undertones, often with light brown hair and far too many freckles than one generally likes to have. Spring people occasionally have an alarming tendency to sport pigtails, and should avoid colors from the 1970s, like avocado and burnt orange.

No one can really tell the real difference between summer and winter complexions, let alone autumn from spring. They all seem to look sort of pasty white, so it can be a bit difficult to choose the right colors for clothing to flatter your complexion. Most experts recommend cutting out patches of colored fabric and gluing them to your face for a day to try them out; the more horrified the public reaction, the less likely that those colors will work for you.

Tuesday, April 25, 2006


To-day we are slightly stressed over an impending deadline, so we'd like to express our feelings through the poetic use of a cursor* with accompanying variables. Feel free to sing along.

/* La la la la la! */
DECLARE @Sleep int
DECLARE @Sanity varchar(10)
DECLARE @Swear_word varchar(20)
SET @Sleep = NULL
SET @Sanity = 'Absent'


/* Crap!!! */
SELECT curse_word
FROM profanity
WHERE profanity.language = 'English' AND profanity.curse_word NOT IN ('golly!', 'darn!', 'shucks!', 'gee whiz!')

OPEN Up_Shit_Creek_Cursor
FETCH NEXT FROM Up_Shit_Creek_Cursor INTO @Swear_word

/* (sobbing) */
SELECT @Swear_word + '!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!'
FETCH NEXT FROM Up_Shit_Creek_Cursor INTO @Swear_word

CLOSE Up_Shit_Creek_Cursor
DEALLOCATE Up_Shit_Creek_Cursor
/* Good night */

* For heaven's sake, don't ever actually use a cursor! They're very, very, very, very, very bad! You can write a WHILE loop, a CASE statement, use derived or temporary tables, or even perform multiple query statements instead. It won't kill you!

Monday, April 24, 2006

Where's my solar-powered flying car?

Well, Earth Day sure was a blast this year!

But I am certainly exhausted after all that recycling, protecting the environment, saving energy and conserving water this past weekend. And I now have enough leaflets on organic food and pamphlets on the environment to start my own landfill.

With all due respect, however, I think all the commie pinko liberals have been forgetting one very important thing

The Benefits of Global Warming!

Despite the fact that we all know global warming is just a fairy tale concocted by liberals to destroy America, few people realize that it will also bring many benefits to the American economy! In fact, a mere a 4.5 degree Celsius rise in temperature will improve living conditions, save thousands of lives, improve the environment and increase corporate profits at an exponential rate.

1. Living Conditions
Where do people generally vacation and retire? Certainly not to places like Alaska or Canada! And everyone knows that people always prefer a warmer environment such as Florida and Hawaii. Oh sure, a few people like to ski, but they're really just barking mad. In fact, global warming will improve everyone's lives by producing a pleasantly balmy and tropical paradise perfect for tanning, lounging out by the cabana, and drinking alcoholic beverages on jetskis. This modern-day Garden of Eden will surely overshadow any teensy increase in desertification, not that anyone lives in the Sahara anyway.

2. Health
Not only will living conditions improve, but so will our health! No one will ever die of pneumonia or hypothermia again. While some extremists point to possible increases in tropical diseases, things like malaria and yellow fever only affect poor people anyway, so it isn't worth mentioning. Plus, with year-round summers, we will also see a much longer growing season, which means watermelon season will last all year!

3. Environment
With the destruction of ice in the polar regions, we will finally see an end to such destructive predators as the polar bear, while cute cuddly animals like koala bears and monkeys will flourish. Rising sea levels worldwide will finally force all those lazy islanders to move and get a real job, the removal of glaciers will open up even more convenient picnic areas, and we'll never have to shovel now again.

4. Economy
Longer growing seasons combined with higher levels of carbon dioxide would cause plants to flourish, adding to profits for agribusiness and lawn services. Additionally, offshore oil exploration and production will no longer have to contend with inconvenient ice, an open northwest passage will save the economy money, and the sunblock market will be booming! There will be a huge increase in consumer spending on things like sunglasses, ice tea, sunshades, visors, bikinis, and tiki huts! Not only that, but companies would be able to substantially lower costs by lowering wages-- after all, people always prefer warmer climates and are willing to sacrifice.

If only the "scientists" would listen to reason

Sunday, April 23, 2006

ha ha ha!

Since I hadn't seen it before, I laughed in a highly dorky manner at this

Also this

Hat tip to Science and Politics

(a regular post in a bit)

Thursday, April 20, 2006


Can you see how perturbed and peevish I am?

It's just been one of those days weeks months years lives.

That tiny wrinkle in the middle of my otherwise charming forehead is the result of my current project, which has caused me to get less than 8 1/2 hours of sleep every night this week! And I have yet to receive a personal masseur for my troubles! Not only that, but I have been too busy for romping and frolicking in the Caribbean with scandalously gorgeous celebrities and a case of champagne to soothe my overwrought nerves!

It's positively criminal, and there ought to be a law.

The other thing that's been really bothering me, besides my not romping about with gorgeous celebrities and champagne, is the fact that I'd forgotten to properly celebrate April 15th, which, as everyone knows perfectly well, was the 251st anniversary of Samuel Johnson's Dictionary of the English Language. After all, Johnson had the incredibly good taste to define bum, arse, piss, turd and fart, even if he did leave out "civilisation" after saying that it wasn't a proper word. In addition, he refused to include anything under the letter X, because, he wrote, it “is a letter which, though found in Saxon words, begins no word in the English language."

However, we shall have to forgive him, because who else would so charmingly describe an eagle as a bird of prey that "renews its age when it grows old", never drinks "at all", takes off perpendicularly and carries its young on its back?

A few of my favorite Samuel Johnson definitions are below; I took care to include the random 'f' instead of an 's' to keep in the proper spirit of things:

abbey-lubber is a "flothful loiterer in a monaftery”

a bug is "a frightful object; a walking fpectre"

Fart is the
"wind from behind...
Love if the fart
Of every heart;
It painf a man when 'tif kept clofe;
And otherf doth offend, when 'tif let loofe."

Guinea-dropper is "one who cheatf by dropping guineaf."

Lexicographer is "a writer of dictionarief, a harmleff drudge…"

Love is the "paffion between the fexes"

Trolmydames: "of thif word I know not the meaning"

Is my usage, of commas, getting completely, out of control, or what?

Tuesday, April 18, 2006

It's Time to Prepare!

Since we're already planning our next pre-emptive strike against Evildoers, doesn't it make sense for our country to get ready now?

After all, no one wants to be caught unprepared in the event of a possible nuclear strike. That would be doubleplus ungood!

Although we've always been at war with Iraq Iran, we should consider making a final strike now. After all, our weapons of mass destruction might not be able to destroy their weapons of destruction in a timely manner. Once they've actually acquired weapons of mass destruction, that is.

Unfortunately, the administration's Iranian strategy seems limited with regards to contingency planning, instead only analysing the effects of air strikes, as well as patriotic support from both the Party and the Anti-Sex League here at home. And while our victorious intervention would provoke an overwhelming embarassment to the enemy regime, thereby causing the ordinary Iranian citizens to rise up and overthrow their oppressors, it may not be in time to prevent a retaliatory nuclear attack.

Of course, great victory does not come without great sacrifice.

If we are assaulted by nuclear bombs, almost no one in the United States will be completely safe from both the direct effects of a nuclear blast and the resulting fall-out. However, you and your family can reduce the dangers-- but only if you follow the easy-to-follow steps prescribed by this blog:

Preparedness is Patriotic!

Before the attack:
1. Stay at home
2. Plan a fall-out room and stock it with food, water, clothing and a calendar
3. Do not spread rumors
4. Do not accept candies from strangers, esepecially if they are covered in a powdery substance.
5. Make sure to get daily exercise, a healthy diet, and plenty of sleep.

During the nuclear attack:
1. If you are in a building while it collapses or explodes, leave as calmly and as quickly as possible
2. If you are unable to leave the building, duck under a desk and cover your head
3. Do not smoke.
4. Don't forget to send the children to the fall-out room!
5. Check to make sure that the gas and electricity are turned off.
6. Do a spot check of your house, making sure to extinguish any small fires
7. If anyone catches on fire, lay them on the floor and roll them around in a thick blanket to put out the flames. If a death occurs, make sure they're insured.
8. Shut all the windows and doors
9. Thicken the walls with dense materials, such as books, to provide the strongest possible protection against radiation.
10. Listen to the radio

1. Avoid waste.
2. In case of emergency, always consult this blog.

Sunday, April 16, 2006

Tax Day!


Like most patriotic Americans I have sadly procrastinated on filing my income tax this year, so spent part of the day debating the merits of 2005 Form 1040EZ (Tax Return Form for people Without Rugrats) and 2005 Form 4868 (Extension Request Form) versus 0504 Form FinCEN101A (Suspicious Activity Report) and 2005 Form 6478 (Credit for Alcohol Used as Fuel Report). Now, there has certainly been quite a bit of Suspicious Activity around here lately, especially with regards to loitering and slothfulness, but I'm not quite sure if it really requires a form or not since no one tips me for it. Additionally, while I frequently use alcohol as a supplemental fuel source, they aren't clear yet on what sort of tax credits I should expect.

At least they're not taxing pee yet.

Happy Easter


The Resident Heathen

Because I am nerdy, I thought this was funny (hat tip to the Hot Librarian)

also this

and this

also this, this and this

and, um, this

Wednesday, April 12, 2006

Yes, it's time for another Odd Art post

Many people have probably thought to themselves: L, we love the velvet paintings and creepy sculptures, but haven't you forgotten to post about art that reflects popular urban legends and mass hysteria?

Wonder no more! Whereas pieces like this reflect current popular delusions, to-day we will focus on oddly artistic popular delusions from the past:

That's right: the fear of premature burial!

Back in the 1800s, there was a very real popular fear over the "risk" of being accidentally buried alive, and there was much public debate over the medical determination of death. It will perhaps surprise no one that I own an entire book on the subject: Buried Alive: The Terrifying History of our Most Primal Fear by Jan Bondeson, a really wonderful author who has also researched famous circus freaks, sideshow hoaxes and various other oddities.

The painting above is titled L'inhumation Precipitee and was painted by Antoine Wiertz during what was probably the peak of mass hysteria over premature burial. It's terribly amusing in a creepy, Edgar Allen Poe-ish way, but it isn't half so amusing as the editorials of the time, as well as some of the very real patents that were requested for various devices to prevent such an occurrence. Apparently, consumptive girls were always fainting from the vapours or melancholia before being prematurely buried -- only to awaken and become Mad.

But then again, this is the same century that saw our ancestors being obsessed with things like fairies and phrenology

* previous Odd Art posts are listed in the drop down box under my avatar

Tuesday, April 11, 2006

Which country should we attack next?

As a Concerned Citizen, I would like to know.

Now that we've practically accomplished the mission in Iraq, many are speculating on which country we should liberate now. Currently Iran is in the lead, with rumors of increased clandestine activity indicating an intensification in planning for a possible major strike there. Lists of targets have apparently been created, and military advisors are supposedly considering a sustained bombing campaign to free the Iranians.

But who should we liberate after that?

Regardless of the nuclear option, the list of targets should probably expand, and North Korea is only one of many. In fact, some have suggested that we need to free the people of Venezuela as well-- not only does their dictator hate freedom and America, but he also has a stranglehold on their oil, which can only be seen as an act of aggression. France is also at the top of the short list, due to their suspicious cuisine and a dangerous tendency to speak only in French.

Additionally, while others point to Canada as the largest looming menace, with its vast natural resources and socialist leanings, others prefer that we use "smart" bombs to free Mexico, thereby solving the pesky immigration problem once and for all. In fact, the last century saw our government already beginning to prepare for this inevitable and necessary liberation of targets such as Vancouver and the oil fields of Tampico.

However, while steps should be taken to release these countries from their oppressors, it should not be forgotten that an underestimated threat sits at our very doorstep.

New Mexico: the Lurking Menace

Many may not realize that New Mexico's regime is one of the greatest threats to the American way of life. This so-called "Land of Enchantment", obviously indicates by its very motto that it harbors subersive, New Age, and possibly communist elements. In fact, many people who live there do not speak English! And their flag of red and yellow is a thinly veiled homage to the old red and yellow Soviet flag with the hammer and sickle!

Most disturbingly of all, New Mexico is a leading producer of uranium ore and has already formed a program for creating weapons of mass destruction. As far back as 1942, the regime has stealthily been researching, producing and detonating nuclear weapons!

If the order were to be given for an attack, any American combat troops operating in Afghanistan, Iraq, Iran, North Korea, France, Venezuela, Mexico or Canada would have to be in position to free any critical targets in New Mexico with whatever means necessary: laser beams, bombs, armored tanks, stealth fighters.... while always keeping in mind that civilian casualties can be kept to a minimum if we encourage ethnic tensions and undermine the regime.

There are those who will protest that diplomacy can solve the problem, but New Mexico has so far proven itself unwilling to make concessions. It has become apparent that only military force can meet this threat, liberate the New Mexicans, and make the world safer for democracy.

Let us hope that it works.

Monday, April 10, 2006

Sex: Fact or Fiction?

As everyone knows, abstinence-only education has been in the news a lot this year.

And we here at Random_Speak couldn't be happier!

Like many other proponents of abstinence-only education, we know that young girls should not be exposed to sex education, which can cause insanity, suicide, sterility, cancer, lesbianism, abortion, drug abuse, and poor posture. In fact, girls shouldn't even be thinking about sex.


Ideally, young girls should enter the married state blissfully unaware of the dangerous evils their bodies contain. They should be innocent and pure... chastely ignorant of the devil's dirty details and fully armed with the knowledge that only a carefully cultivated cabbage patch and a friendly stork will produce healthy babies.

After all, if someone actually knows how her body works, then she is much more likely to use it!

As helpful necessities to an abstinence-only education, we recommend also implementing a series of useful accessories to help maintain youthful purity: long skirts, long-sleeved blouses, gloves, and flat-heeled shoes. Additionally, some doctors recommend full body cling-wrap, ear phones, and goggles, as well as learning to walk with your knees pressed tightly together.

Study after study has shown that only abstinence works, and that many young girls who have had sex have also attempted suicide or dancing. With that in mind, we have compiled a list of Useful Facts to know:

Useful Facts!

Condoms cannot prevent pregnancy or STDs: True or False?
True! The truth is that condoms break every time you use them! And condoms, as well as all other forms of birth control, kill babies! Every drop of sperm is sacred.

French Kissing causes syphillis and AIDs: True or False?
True! Study after study shows that 90% of French kissing will cause either AIDs, syphillis-- or both. Even married couples should refrain from this dangerous activity, which only leads to hellfire and damnation.

Teens should have accurate facts about how the body works and sexual health: True or False?
False, false, false! Abstinance means abstinence. Accurate information only encourages promiscuity.

Sex is natural: True or False?

Censored: True or False?

Censored: True or False?

Censored: True or False?

Sunday, April 09, 2006

Gee Whiz!

The weather is beautiful! Wish you were here!

Yes, it sure is great to be here in sunny Florida, and we've been rockin' like it's 1965! Believe it or not, with all the fun parties this week we've barely had time to look perky, listen to keen music and look at boys!

In other news, it's quite obvious that spring is officially underway in the Land of Sunshine: old geezers are bashing the heck out of each other, public employees are frolicking on Howard Stern, people are driving with agitated snakes, construction workers are playing with live grenades, and pit bulls are on the rampage. However, we won't bother to discuss the fact that the alligators have become more polite this year, as it appears to be old news.

In another item of interest, scientists have discovered a possible link between the loss of an ovary and increased risk of dementia. And the obvious question is: if losing an ovary can increase the risk of dementia, what does that say about those who lack them in the first place?

I'm just asking.

Wednesday, April 05, 2006

Taking a break until Saturday

Trying to play catch up this week....

but back to blogging on Saturday

Tuesday, April 04, 2006

Dementia: the problem that affects us all

As many may have heard, retired senator Jesse Helms has been suffering from vascular dementia, an illness that can include such symptoms as forgetfulness, delusions, acute confusion, 'wandering', hallucinations, and physical or verbal aggression.

This should come as no surprise, as any astute follower of politics will realize that dementia has always been closely associated with the field of politics. In fact, many will note that Helms appeared to suffer from dementia throughout most of his political career -- which would place him squarely with the majority of Senators and Representatives who also suffer from this bipartisan disorder.

In fact, just as dentists appear to have higher rates of suicide than non-dentists, politicians seem to have much, much, much higher rates of dementia-- percentages that are even higher than those found in psychiatrists (72%) and professional clowns (38%). This contrasts greatly with the percentages found in other groups studied: plumbers (9%), bus drivers (5%) and scientists, of whom only 0.3% can truly be considered "Mad".

Of course, very few citizens in the general population can have failed to recognize the symptoms in the two groups with the highest percentage of sufferers. But the question is truly one of cause and effect: are politics more likely to attract those who suffer from dementia, or does dementia develop over time as a result of prolonged exposure to politics? It is a question that has stymied researchers for years, and they may never find the answer.

But perhaps medication can help.

Fashionable AND Fit!

Yes, yes, yes.... I've been completely irresponsible about blogging lately, due to a number of activities both Fun and Fashionable.

For example, I've begun working out at the gym again!

It's spring, so I need to start whipping my boo-tay back into shape, otherwise it will no longer be able to produce all those new and exciting statistics for blog posts.

Also, I've been dining out at eccentric pizza parlors where I never actually get to eat pizza, wandering around aimlessly at lovely photography exhibitions, accidentally attending bratwurst & beer bonfire parties, watching tasteful political documentaries, inadvertantly joining sporting teams, and talking utter nonsense with my friend Bill at the Independent.

Incidentally, this week I also attended a play (the Servant of Two Masters) performed by the local community theatre group called Acorn Theatre. Although I was slightly disappointed in the performance (I had been explicitly informed that the play would contain nudity, when, in fact, it did not!), there were some fun and amusing bits, not only during the play, but also when I accidentally went out for late night bites with a friend and some cast members afterwards.

off to the gym!

a real blog post later

Monday, April 03, 2006

Should I Incorporate?

To-day I am languishing in utter exhaustion, despair, morbid vexation and woe. While some might think its due to my lack of a pony, it is instead a rather sad commentary on the fact that perhaps a "job" is not the career for me.

No, this "job" thing is not all wine and roses. For one thing, I have to use an alarm clock and wake up before 10:30 on a weekday! Not only that, but I am required to do the following:
1. Attend meetings
2. Be polite all day
3. Refrain from running over people in the parking lot, no matter how annoying they are
4. Wear shoes
5. Not run through the hallways or throw paper airplanes or otherwise make a nuisance of myself

It's all rather a bother, but so far I haven't found anyone who's willing to pay me to sleep in, watch kung fu movies, eat berries, drink champagne and go to the zoo.

So perhaps I should incorporate. After all, corporations have practically all the rights and privileges that a person has -- but often without all those bothersome responsibilities like paying taxes, eating vegetables or waking up early. And there really isn't enough creative accounting, political favoritism, or global power in my life either.

All the lame randomness of this post leads to one fact: I worked until 8:45 today and I am terribly cranky and brain-fried.

Saturday, April 01, 2006

Shuffleboard, Gene Simmons, Grand Prix Races

Early this morning, I was awakened by the roar of engines from practice for tomorrow's Grand Prix race, which will command the lovely water view near my neighborhood. So I am still a bit cranky.

Nonetheless, I still considered attending said race, due soley to the fact that rock legend GENE SIMMONS will be opening the ceremonies as Grand Marshall. That is, I considered attending until I found out the he will not be wearing makeup, he will not be wearing spandex, and he will not be blowing balls of flame like this or like this. So really, what's the point?

Anyway, race cars are so passé these days.

The "smart set" races other things.

On a side note, which rather unfortunately has nothing to do with GENE SIMMONS! or GENE SIMMONS!!!, or even GENE SIMMONS!!!!!!!, I spent Friday night partaking of a traditional Florida pastime.

That's right: I've learned to play an occasional game of shuffleboard! Every Friday night, St. Pete Shuffle hosts an interesting mix of elderly players (blue hair, hearing aids) and young hipsters (tattoos, earrings). Everyone listens to kick-ass music, eats cake and things, and plays oodles of shuffleboard.

The weekly event ranges from sparsely populated to jam-packed, and was really kick-started by artist's collective The Artillery, who have some of their paintings hanging in the clubhouse. I had a great time and played with a few local scenesters I had met previously. To our left we had two hunched-over elderly gentlemen who sprouted wispy hair in all directions from all over the place. They played quite the vicious game and were much better than we were. To our right, we had a group of alternative twenty-somethings who played less well but dressed rather more stylishly.

It's the perfect thing to do before going out for the evening, and I recommend that locals check it out. Plus, the complex also has lawn bowling and the St. Pete Chess Club.