Thursday, April 20, 2006


Can you see how perturbed and peevish I am?

It's just been one of those days weeks months years lives.

That tiny wrinkle in the middle of my otherwise charming forehead is the result of my current project, which has caused me to get less than 8 1/2 hours of sleep every night this week! And I have yet to receive a personal masseur for my troubles! Not only that, but I have been too busy for romping and frolicking in the Caribbean with scandalously gorgeous celebrities and a case of champagne to soothe my overwrought nerves!

It's positively criminal, and there ought to be a law.

The other thing that's been really bothering me, besides my not romping about with gorgeous celebrities and champagne, is the fact that I'd forgotten to properly celebrate April 15th, which, as everyone knows perfectly well, was the 251st anniversary of Samuel Johnson's Dictionary of the English Language. After all, Johnson had the incredibly good taste to define bum, arse, piss, turd and fart, even if he did leave out "civilisation" after saying that it wasn't a proper word. In addition, he refused to include anything under the letter X, because, he wrote, it “is a letter which, though found in Saxon words, begins no word in the English language."

However, we shall have to forgive him, because who else would so charmingly describe an eagle as a bird of prey that "renews its age when it grows old", never drinks "at all", takes off perpendicularly and carries its young on its back?

A few of my favorite Samuel Johnson definitions are below; I took care to include the random 'f' instead of an 's' to keep in the proper spirit of things:

abbey-lubber is a "flothful loiterer in a monaftery”

a bug is "a frightful object; a walking fpectre"

Fart is the
"wind from behind...
Love if the fart
Of every heart;
It painf a man when 'tif kept clofe;
And otherf doth offend, when 'tif let loofe."

Guinea-dropper is "one who cheatf by dropping guineaf."

Lexicographer is "a writer of dictionarief, a harmleff drudge…"

Love is the "paffion between the fexes"

Trolmydames: "of thif word I know not the meaning"

Is my usage, of commas, getting completely, out of control, or what?


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