Monday, April 10, 2006

Sex: Fact or Fiction?

As everyone knows, abstinence-only education has been in the news a lot this year.

And we here at Random_Speak couldn't be happier!

Like many other proponents of abstinence-only education, we know that young girls should not be exposed to sex education, which can cause insanity, suicide, sterility, cancer, lesbianism, abortion, drug abuse, and poor posture. In fact, girls shouldn't even be thinking about sex.


Ideally, young girls should enter the married state blissfully unaware of the dangerous evils their bodies contain. They should be innocent and pure... chastely ignorant of the devil's dirty details and fully armed with the knowledge that only a carefully cultivated cabbage patch and a friendly stork will produce healthy babies.

After all, if someone actually knows how her body works, then she is much more likely to use it!

As helpful necessities to an abstinence-only education, we recommend also implementing a series of useful accessories to help maintain youthful purity: long skirts, long-sleeved blouses, gloves, and flat-heeled shoes. Additionally, some doctors recommend full body cling-wrap, ear phones, and goggles, as well as learning to walk with your knees pressed tightly together.

Study after study has shown that only abstinence works, and that many young girls who have had sex have also attempted suicide or dancing. With that in mind, we have compiled a list of Useful Facts to know:

Useful Facts!

Condoms cannot prevent pregnancy or STDs: True or False?
True! The truth is that condoms break every time you use them! And condoms, as well as all other forms of birth control, kill babies! Every drop of sperm is sacred.

French Kissing causes syphillis and AIDs: True or False?
True! Study after study shows that 90% of French kissing will cause either AIDs, syphillis-- or both. Even married couples should refrain from this dangerous activity, which only leads to hellfire and damnation.

Teens should have accurate facts about how the body works and sexual health: True or False?
False, false, false! Abstinance means abstinence. Accurate information only encourages promiscuity.

Sex is natural: True or False?

Censored: True or False?

Censored: True or False?

Censored: True or False?


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