Tuesday, April 18, 2006

It's Time to Prepare!

Since we're already planning our next pre-emptive strike against Evildoers, doesn't it make sense for our country to get ready now?

After all, no one wants to be caught unprepared in the event of a possible nuclear strike. That would be doubleplus ungood!

Although we've always been at war with Iraq Iran, we should consider making a final strike now. After all, our weapons of mass destruction might not be able to destroy their weapons of destruction in a timely manner. Once they've actually acquired weapons of mass destruction, that is.

Unfortunately, the administration's Iranian strategy seems limited with regards to contingency planning, instead only analysing the effects of air strikes, as well as patriotic support from both the Party and the Anti-Sex League here at home. And while our victorious intervention would provoke an overwhelming embarassment to the enemy regime, thereby causing the ordinary Iranian citizens to rise up and overthrow their oppressors, it may not be in time to prevent a retaliatory nuclear attack.

Of course, great victory does not come without great sacrifice.

If we are assaulted by nuclear bombs, almost no one in the United States will be completely safe from both the direct effects of a nuclear blast and the resulting fall-out. However, you and your family can reduce the dangers-- but only if you follow the easy-to-follow steps prescribed by this blog:

Preparedness is Patriotic!

Before the attack:
1. Stay at home
2. Plan a fall-out room and stock it with food, water, clothing and a calendar
3. Do not spread rumors
4. Do not accept candies from strangers, esepecially if they are covered in a powdery substance.
5. Make sure to get daily exercise, a healthy diet, and plenty of sleep.

During the nuclear attack:
1. If you are in a building while it collapses or explodes, leave as calmly and as quickly as possible
2. If you are unable to leave the building, duck under a desk and cover your head
3. Do not smoke.
4. Don't forget to send the children to the fall-out room!
5. Check to make sure that the gas and electricity are turned off.
6. Do a spot check of your house, making sure to extinguish any small fires
7. If anyone catches on fire, lay them on the floor and roll them around in a thick blanket to put out the flames. If a death occurs, make sure they're insured.
8. Shut all the windows and doors
9. Thicken the walls with dense materials, such as books, to provide the strongest possible protection against radiation.
10. Listen to the radio

1. Avoid waste.
2. In case of emergency, always consult this blog.


Anonymous Professor Twain said...

Lainey, please tell me that cigars are allowable during nuclear strikes. I don't smoke those nasty cigarettes but my cigars are all that could keep me going for years in my bomb shelter. I have a two year supply if I ration myself to one a day.

7:21 PM  
Blogger L said...

My Dear Professor: they are perfectly allowable, as well as port

10:45 PM  

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