Monday, April 24, 2006

Where's my solar-powered flying car?

Well, Earth Day sure was a blast this year!

But I am certainly exhausted after all that recycling, protecting the environment, saving energy and conserving water this past weekend. And I now have enough leaflets on organic food and pamphlets on the environment to start my own landfill.

With all due respect, however, I think all the commie pinko liberals have been forgetting one very important thing

The Benefits of Global Warming!

Despite the fact that we all know global warming is just a fairy tale concocted by liberals to destroy America, few people realize that it will also bring many benefits to the American economy! In fact, a mere a 4.5 degree Celsius rise in temperature will improve living conditions, save thousands of lives, improve the environment and increase corporate profits at an exponential rate.

1. Living Conditions
Where do people generally vacation and retire? Certainly not to places like Alaska or Canada! And everyone knows that people always prefer a warmer environment such as Florida and Hawaii. Oh sure, a few people like to ski, but they're really just barking mad. In fact, global warming will improve everyone's lives by producing a pleasantly balmy and tropical paradise perfect for tanning, lounging out by the cabana, and drinking alcoholic beverages on jetskis. This modern-day Garden of Eden will surely overshadow any teensy increase in desertification, not that anyone lives in the Sahara anyway.

2. Health
Not only will living conditions improve, but so will our health! No one will ever die of pneumonia or hypothermia again. While some extremists point to possible increases in tropical diseases, things like malaria and yellow fever only affect poor people anyway, so it isn't worth mentioning. Plus, with year-round summers, we will also see a much longer growing season, which means watermelon season will last all year!

3. Environment
With the destruction of ice in the polar regions, we will finally see an end to such destructive predators as the polar bear, while cute cuddly animals like koala bears and monkeys will flourish. Rising sea levels worldwide will finally force all those lazy islanders to move and get a real job, the removal of glaciers will open up even more convenient picnic areas, and we'll never have to shovel now again.

4. Economy
Longer growing seasons combined with higher levels of carbon dioxide would cause plants to flourish, adding to profits for agribusiness and lawn services. Additionally, offshore oil exploration and production will no longer have to contend with inconvenient ice, an open northwest passage will save the economy money, and the sunblock market will be booming! There will be a huge increase in consumer spending on things like sunglasses, ice tea, sunshades, visors, bikinis, and tiki huts! Not only that, but companies would be able to substantially lower costs by lowering wages-- after all, people always prefer warmer climates and are willing to sacrifice.

If only the "scientists" would listen to reason


Blogger Wendy Boucher said...

Can we all drive Chitty-chitty bang-bang cars? With all that extra water around, it would be convenient to have a car that converts to a boat.

4:59 PM  
Blogger roselle said...

HEY! Canada is plenty warm...why just today I put on my balmy -40C parka and took my polar bear Nanuk for a walk to the local corner igloo to buy some Coca Cola (that's Nanuks beverage of choice)...

5:00 PM  
Blogger Rainypete said...

I, for one, have been seeking a way to increase the number of tiki huts in Canada for years. Maybe you're on to something here!

9:33 PM  
Blogger L said...

Wendy: heh heh -- I loved that movie when I was younger-- remember the Evil Child Catcher?

Atractiva: I could go for some cooler weather -- it's roasting already down here. Even the palmetto bugs and pythons are passing out

rainypete: there's no such thing as too many tiki huts!

11:01 PM  

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