Don't Forget National Baby Safety Month!
Keeping Your Baby Safe
Many people are looking for answers to their most pressing questions regarding baby safety, such as: "Is my baby ready to understand 'no'?", "Can my baby eat spicy food?", "Is my baby ready to take dance classes or travel in the country?" And, most importantly: "Is my baby ready to have its privileges taken away as a disciplinary technique?"
We here at Random_Speak will use our expertise and advanced knowledge to answer questions like these and aid parents in the proper care and handling of babies.
Actual Questions -- answered by our experts
Q. "Is my baby ready to be put down without crying?"
A. At times, even the most patient of parents will feel the urge to have their children put down. In fact, babies can occasionally be quite vexing. However, we should note that it would almost certainly involve a great deal of crying. It is also illegal in most states.
Q. "Is my baby ready to take off those infant hats?"
A. Yes, yes, yes! Those teeny tiny fuzzy hats are not fashionable and should be replaced by something with a very smart brim. Even worse than those little pink hats are the tumor-like velcro bows worn by only the baldest of infants. The only thing tumor-like on a baby's head should be an actual tumor.
Q: "Is my baby ready to understand that some objects are dangerous ?"
A. No baby is too young to learn to differentiate between very dangerous objects, such as knives or clowns, and very safe objects, such as coffee or television. Under no circumstances should you allow a baby to watch Fox News.
Q: "Is my baby ready to take pain reliever without a call to the doctor first?"
A: You should always prevent your baby from making any unauthorized phone calls, not just to your doctor. Pain relievers are fine, however, as long as your baby knows how to take them responsibly.
Q: "Is my baby ready to take bites from large pieces of food?"
A: Babies are always ready to take very large bites from any object.
Additional Safety Tips!
1. Do not allow your baby to smoke cigarettes. Cigars are much safer.
2. If your baby wishes to ride on the back of a motorcycle, make sure it is wearing a proper helmet.
3. Under no circumstances should you allow your baby to mosh or get a tattoo -- no matter how much they cry
4. When taking your baby to the seaside, don't forget to buy it ice cream and sunscreen
5. Avoid traumatizing exposure to unhealthy television content, such as the Barney show or the Teletubbies. Godzilla movies are much more wholesome, and we swear by them.
* a quick thank you to the person who sent me the amusing image, by the way.