Monday, August 07, 2006

Weapons of Mass Destruction Discovered

According to a recently released poll, approximately half of Americans are educated enough to deduce that Iraq had weapons of mass destruction-- which illustrates that the administration was perfectly correct to invade and overthrow Saddam Hussein.

Of course, the majority of those polled mistakenly believe that these weapons consist of viable chemical, biological or nuclear weapons--when in fact that is not the case. In fact, according to expert analyst William van der Waffe, these are typically people who rely on a single news source and often tend to be "independant of reality".

Then just what is the reality?

The reality is that after a lengthy, $900-million dollar investigation, the U.S. investigators "declared that Iraq had dismantled its chemical, biological and nuclear arms programs in 1991 under U.N. oversight."-- a finding that confirmed the previous report of U.N. weapons inspectors. However, what the investigators did discover sent shock waves throughout the international intelligence community:

Over one million flaming trumpets of mass destruction.

What many people don't realize is that the incredibly deadly flaming trumpet, which enables any halfway competent musician to emit lethal flames from the comfort and safety of the average orchestra pit, was first patented back in 1981 (patent # 4,247,283) by Pat Vidas of Wantagh, New York. However, technological advances since then have greatly increased its accuracy and made it easier to manufacture cheaply, which gives it an advantage over traditional chemical or biological weapons -- and which makes it the WMD of choice for any terrorist regime.

"This finding just has to cause despair among those of us who hope for a quick and decisive end to the war on terror," stated van def Waffe. "These are stockpiles of millions of weapons of mass destruction, and they were deliberately withheld from inspectors by the Iraqis!"

According to experts, the flaming trumpet is equipped to shoot a deadly flame that is controlled directly by the musician, who can alter the intensity and duration of the flame by adjusting a simple valve to control the amount of gas emitted by a cartridge attached to the instrument. The flammable gas is then directed through a series of tubes towards the wide bowl of the instrument and ignited, causing horrific death and destruction to anyone in its path.

Conservative commentators have jumped on the story to raise the public awareness of this doomsday weapon. "Americans are waking up from a distorted reality," stated one pundit. "Was Gillespie a terrorist?" asked another. Many cite rumors of clandestine flights of incredibly deadly flaming trumpets en route to Syria and Iran, but the admininstration has not confirmed, and any details are classified.

While this story is still in its infancy, we can be certain that more information will soon be available. But the question remains: just how many flaming trumpets are out there, and can we find them all?

Next on Random_Speak
Does Syria have an accordion?????


Blogger Joel said...

Not sure about Syria, but those darned Scots have the 'pipes.

1:47 AM  
Blogger L said...

Joel: looks like we should invade Scotland next then!

11:15 PM  

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