Don't Forget National Baby Safety Month!

Just a reminder to everyone out there: September is National Baby Safety Month!


Keeping Your Baby Safe

Many people are looking for answers to their most pressing questions regarding baby safety, such as: "Is my baby ready to understand 'no'?", "Can my baby eat spicy food?", "Is my baby ready to take dance classes or travel in the country?" And, most importantly: "Is my baby ready to have its privileges taken away as a disciplinary technique?"

We here at Random_Speak will use our expertise and advanced knowledge to answer questions like these and aid parents in the proper care and handling of babies.


Actual Questions -- answered by our experts

Q. "Is my baby ready to be put down without crying?"
A. At times, even the most patient of parents will feel the urge to have their children put down. In fact, babies can occasionally be quite vexing. However, we should note that it would almost certainly involve a great deal of crying. It is also illegal in most states.

Q. "Is my baby ready to take off those infant hats?"
A. Yes, yes, yes! Those teeny tiny fuzzy hats are not fashionable and should be replaced by something with a very smart brim. Even worse than those little pink hats are the tumor-like velcro bows worn by only the baldest of infants. The only thing tumor-like on a baby's head should be an actual tumor.

Q: "Is my baby ready to understand that some objects are dangerous ?"
A. No baby is too young to learn to differentiate between very dangerous objects, such as knives or clowns, and very safe objects, such as coffee or television. Under no circumstances should you allow a baby to watch Fox News.

Q: "Is my baby ready to take pain reliever without a call to the doctor first?"
A: You should always prevent your baby from making any unauthorized phone calls, not just to your doctor. Pain relievers are fine, however, as long as your baby knows how to take them responsibly.

Q: "Is my baby ready to take bites from large pieces of food?"
A: Babies are always ready to take very large bites from any object.




Additional Safety Tips!
1. Do not allow your baby to smoke cigarettes. Cigars are much safer.
2. If your baby wishes to ride on the back of a motorcycle, make sure it is wearing a proper helmet.
3. Under no circumstances should you allow your baby to mosh or get a tattoo -- no matter how much they cry
4. When taking your baby to the seaside, don't forget to buy it ice cream and sunscreen
5. Avoid traumatizing exposure to unhealthy television content, such as the Barney show or the Teletubbies. Godzilla movies are much more wholesome, and we swear by them.


* a quick thank you to the person who sent me the amusing image, by the way.

Don't forget to practice safe sex!

Yes, we're lazy this week...


from Modern Mechanix

A couple of recent finds...

found these old notepads (both Gil Elvgren) at a little antique store...

as usual, click to enlarge

I just played some ultimate frisbee at the beach, so I'm too tired to do a real post tonight....

Nap or Gym?

To-day I am debating whether to focus on my mental health (nap) or physical health (gym).

Or perhaps I should combine them both and just try napping at the gym.

This is a rather pointless post. I mean, even more pointless than usual, which is really saying something.

Anyway, my good friend Bill just returned from his trip to China, which is apparently quite different from Florida. We've just finished a charming lunch, over which he detailed the trip and made up lame excuses for not bringing me exotic presents.

For one thing, he caught a terrible case of dysentery from a garnish.

It was very hot and humid.

He also had enormous quantities of Chinese waitresses giggling at him.

And at one point he went to get a massage, not realizing that a "happy ending" was part of the offered service. He, not speaking Chinese, attempted to communicate his reluctance to the masseuse, who spoke no English. Apparently, this communication consisted of a series of esoteric and occasionally obscene hand gestures to indicate that:

1. he hadn't realized that a "happy ending" was an added bonus
2. he didn't need a "happy ending"
3. he didn't want a "happy ending"
4. he is gay

The conversation ended in a draw, with great confusion on all sides.


Everyone will be glad to know that his side trip to Japan was much less confusing and also lacking in dysentery.

***

off to the gym!

The results are in....

I am sinking ever downward in a spiraling vortex of despair.

Why?

For the second year in a row, I've forgotten to enter the Bulwer-Lytton "worst writing" contest, which is a tragedy of epic proportions! It is named in honor of a terrible Victorian writer named Edward George Earl Bulwer-Lytton, and the object is for participants to "submit bad opening sentences to imaginary novels."

This year's winner (Jim Guigli):
"Detective Bart Lasiter was in his office studying the light from his one small window falling on his super burrito when the door swung open to reveal a woman whose body said you've had your last burrito for a while, whose face said angels did exist, and whose eyes said she could make you dig your own grave and lick the shovel clean."

Other amusing entries:
"Despite the vast differences it their ages, ethnicity, and religious upbringing, the sexual chemistry between Roberto and Heather was the most amazing he had ever experienced; and for the entirety of the Labor Day weekend they had sex like monkeys on espresso, not those monkeys in the zoo that fling their feces at you, but more like the monkeys in the wild that have those giant red butts, and access to an espresso machine."

"It was a dreary Monday in September when Constable Lightspeed came across the rotting corpse that resembled one of those zombies from Michael Jackson's "Thriller," except that it was lying down and not performing the electric slide"

"Lisa moved like a cat, not the kind of cat that moves with a slinky grace but more like the kind that always falls off the book shelf when he's washing himself and then gets all mad at you like it's your fault (which it wasn't although it probably was kind of mean to laugh at him like that), although on the bright side, she hardly ever attacked Ricky's toes in his sleep."

"The sun, which much resembled the yolk of a sunny-side up egg, set over the slight hill like a cheerio falling off the back of a spoon when a spoon is upside-down on a table and a cheerio is set on top of it."

"Yet again Imelda was exacerbated, or at least she assumed she was, as she was never sure exactly what the term meant though when she felt bloated and crampy as she was now, she was pretty sure she was, exacerbated that is."

My Humble Effort:
"La la la la la!", warbled the ravishingly tempting Victoria Sutton-Fairbanks, who delicately combed her hair of gold spun silk whilst plucking ivory petals from the blushing daisies that surrounded her daintily elfin tootsies; "he loves me, he loves me not, he LOVES me!" she trilled, thrilled beyond measure that the object of her affections, the sinewy and turgid barbarian prince, might have noticed her at the ball last night.

I'm so excited I could wet my pants!

I noticed a slight uptick in site traffic.....


... and saw that the St. Petersburg Times has Random_Speak listed as the featured blog.

That's really very sweet of them, and I'm very glad they've finally come to their senses and realized that the only true measure of success is a winning combination of outrageous lies, terrible limericks, socially awkward musings, odd art and pin-ups.

Good for them!

Weekend Photos

Jason was quite surprised at our arrival and also perplexed by the fact that he is turning 31.



Jason is 6'6", Matt is really 6'8"(you can't tell here), Allybrat is 6' (6'4" in heels), and me at 5'8"


Jason and his girlfriend Sheila, who planned the entire party.


Sheila and I before heading off for nibbly things. You will notice that we are modeling the very latest in smile-wear.


Celebrating


My brothers Jason and Matt with some sort of odd fog in front of their faces.


We do our patriotic duty as Americans and eat enormous quantities of food at the buffet.


The only thing taller than my brothers was a Chilhuly sculpture


That is all for now. A big thank you to Sheila for the photos...

Mission Accomplished

Operation "Fly-to-Connecticut-and-throw-surprise-party-for-younger-brother" was a resounding success, and my fellow undercover agents are satisfied with a job well done.

Not only did we drink all sorts of dangerous concoctions and burn ourselves at the beach, but we also ate yummy lobster rolls, saw naked speeding bikers, historical bayonet-pistols, woodchucks, very large rocks, perplexing eyewear, an emergency backup brother named Grover, inebriated engineers and a small terrier with a slight case of nerves.

I also met my brother's girlfriend, who is a charming pageant winner with a sparkly crown and a Phd in fashionable pouting-- Sheila! You must teach me how to do that! -- and who inadvertantly provided the best quote of the weekend:

(scene: we have all just finished shoveling an absolutely enormous buffet into our faces, and are groaning as we succumb to food comas)
Jason: "ugh"
Me: "I'm never eating again"
Sheila: "I think we should all shit here for a few minutes"
(silence)
Me: "Ha ha ha! Did you mean to say something else? I think you meant to say something else."
Jason: "Heh heh. Well, that would work..."
Sheila: "SIT!!! I meant to say SIT!!! I think we should all SIT here for a few minutes!!!!"
Everyone else: "Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!"

Sheila was great, and taught me that yes, girls in beauty pageants do put vaseline on their teeth! But only sometimes.


*********************

There has been loose talk of other possible family outings....

My mother suggested a cruise, of course --

But I may give it a pass....


I will post weekend photos sometime soon.

And I'm off!

Very shortly I shall be flying out to an undisclosed location for a mysterious mission that has yet to be fully defined.

I will be accompanied by a dangerously glamorous undercover agent, a suitcase of scandalous clothing, an engrossing set of logic puzzles, and two emergency books-- one being a how-to guide, and one being a philisophical treatise. There could be vile suffering involved, however, as I may be required to check my chapstick!

Additionally, I might not have Internet access for the weekend, so the blogging could be somewhat sparse.

I shall return from my fashionable jaunt on Monday, and perhaps I will post photos.

Until I am back --

ta ta!

I couldn't resist....

As I continue to explore the furthest reaches of irresponsible laziness, I decided to bring part II to yesterday's post on the 1950s lad mag. To-day we shall focus exclusively on advertisements, as they are terribly amusing. At a later date I shall, perhaps, bring part III with more pin-ups... as usual, click to enlarge.

Do you want to know "the truth about NUDISTS"? We provide the "BARE FACTS about people who join camps where THEY WEAR NO CLOTHES!"


Do you know that research scientists are uncovering "many new astonishing facts every month" about sex? Also,"Can You Answer These Questions?
1. How can women become pregnant yet remain virgins? 2. What is a stone baby? 3.In what part of the world do men suckle infants? 4. Can you beget children years after your death? 5. Who are transvestites? 6. Why do some boys become pregnant? 7. Why are girls in some primitive tribes infibulated? 8. Can twins be born, one black and the other white? 9. What is phantom pregnancy? 10. How does reproduction without sex take place? 11. How rare are children with tails? 12. What is telegony?


We can provide "immediate comfort for you" with our "patented RUPTURE-EASER", which is for Men! For Women! For Children! In fact our enormous RUPTURE-EASER has had "over 700,000 grateful users"!


I bet you want "A Way with Women!" Send us money, and "they seek you out, they come tearing down your doors, they won't let you go! They are yours, YOURS ALONE."


I'm not sure why anyone would bother sending away for these, as they can get the same sort of thing in The Brain that Wouldn't Die-- which is really a fabulous movie, by the way.


If our other ad didn't work send us more money, and we can "make women go for you! Yes, they will go for you. They won't let you alone. They can't help it." In fact, "ten years in college won't give you the advantage this booklet gives you"!


If that doesn't work, we also provide a patented "FIGURE SLIMMER Now offered for the first time"!


If husbands only knew... that these two women are obviously dating each other


what is with the accordion obsession???


BONUS: Charles Atlas ad! Yay!


That is all; I'm going to the gym

In lieu of a real post...

This is one of the more entertaining old magazines I've found, so I've decided to post a few of the images and ads it holds-- should be good for a somewhat horrified giggle or two.

(Click to enlarge each image)


Isn't this how most people fish?


On the golf course....


absolutely shocking!


and the required catfight


You too can develop a strong, "he-man" voice!


Or learn to play the accordion, which will open the "door to popularity"!


We can also help you stop that pesky bed-wetting!


Of course, even after you develop a He-Man voice, learn to play the accordion and stop wetting the bed you might still be lonely... So send us money and join our club! Many of our members "state they are wealthy"! Just mail $1 and we'll send you the "names and addresses of pretty, single, lonely nurses, teachers, models, widows, farmerettes, etc."

Languishing....

As I am currently languishing in utter prostration, I've decided to slip on something comfortable and just strew myself about the house.


I'm too lethargic to post anything but random links to-night.

Kathie has recently been working like a fiend on some very cool custom toys lately -- and they are adorably deranged (note: there are several pages).

discover haunted houses in your area
ouch
Alphabet Synthesis Machine
Learn the secrets of time travel, build your own mind machine, or become invisible!
World's Ugliest Couch Contest (I think # 21 should have won)
Klingon Language Institute
Weird Molecules
the Cliche Finder
taxidermy art
World's Longest Tongue?
Psuedo Dictionary
Make someone an offer they can't refuse
1971 Sears catalog
Battle bots
Gallery of Misused Quotation Marks
the Sound of Music drinking game
the Flowbee!

Weapons of Mass Destruction Discovered

According to a recently released poll, approximately half of Americans are educated enough to deduce that Iraq had weapons of mass destruction-- which illustrates that the administration was perfectly correct to invade and overthrow Saddam Hussein.



Of course, the majority of those polled mistakenly believe that these weapons consist of viable chemical, biological or nuclear weapons--when in fact that is not the case. In fact, according to expert analyst William van der Waffe, these are typically people who rely on a single news source and often tend to be "independant of reality".

Then just what is the reality?

The reality is that after a lengthy, $900-million dollar investigation, the U.S. investigators "declared that Iraq had dismantled its chemical, biological and nuclear arms programs in 1991 under U.N. oversight."-- a finding that confirmed the previous report of U.N. weapons inspectors. However, what the investigators did discover sent shock waves throughout the international intelligence community:


Over one million flaming trumpets of mass destruction.

What many people don't realize is that the incredibly deadly flaming trumpet, which enables any halfway competent musician to emit lethal flames from the comfort and safety of the average orchestra pit, was first patented back in 1981 (patent # 4,247,283) by Pat Vidas of Wantagh, New York. However, technological advances since then have greatly increased its accuracy and made it easier to manufacture cheaply, which gives it an advantage over traditional chemical or biological weapons -- and which makes it the WMD of choice for any terrorist regime.

"This finding just has to cause despair among those of us who hope for a quick and decisive end to the war on terror," stated van def Waffe. "These are stockpiles of millions of weapons of mass destruction, and they were deliberately withheld from inspectors by the Iraqis!"

According to experts, the flaming trumpet is equipped to shoot a deadly flame that is controlled directly by the musician, who can alter the intensity and duration of the flame by adjusting a simple valve to control the amount of gas emitted by a cartridge attached to the instrument. The flammable gas is then directed through a series of tubes towards the wide bowl of the instrument and ignited, causing horrific death and destruction to anyone in its path.

Conservative commentators have jumped on the story to raise the public awareness of this doomsday weapon. "Americans are waking up from a distorted reality," stated one pundit. "Was Gillespie a terrorist?" asked another. Many cite rumors of clandestine flights of incredibly deadly flaming trumpets en route to Syria and Iran, but the admininstration has not confirmed, and any details are classified.

While this story is still in its infancy, we can be certain that more information will soon be available. But the question remains: just how many flaming trumpets are out there, and can we find them all?



Next on Random_Speak:
Does Syria have an accordion?????

I LUV Rowan

A quick funny from one of my favorite comedians EVER


thanks to BeepBeepIt'sMe for the link

Stuff

We here at Random_Speak made a conscious decision to sleep in to-day, and we were successful in our endeavors.


Also on the agenda:
1. eat pizza and ice cream
2. watch Last Hero in China, a.ka. Iron Rooster vs. the Centipede
3. give ourselves plenty of time to relax
4. decline to wash laundry
5. go to the Wazoo beer tasting at Lowry Park Zoo and slosh around in the rain!

This is not an actual blog post. I'm not quite sure what it is, exactly.

In other news, my friend Kym just started popping her new site together. She's begun putting a few images of older work out there-- very odd, funky and fun photography.


I've also been thinking about what I should buy for my brother Jason's upcoming birthday....
Perhaps the glamorous and practical Jayne Mansfield hot water bottle, perfect for those chilly Connecticut winters! (click to enlarge)


Or perhaps a darling pet monkey! They make adorable, playful pets, are "almost human", "simple to take care of and train", and they hardly ever throw poo at you!


Or maybe the terribly useful Man-From-Mars Radio Hat, which is indeed a marvelous dream come true!


The possibilities are endless!

Yet Another Delicious Dinner from Random_Speak

As it turns out, not only did I loiter irresponsibly with various and shady individuals this week, I also accidentally threw three dinner parties instead of one.

In addition to being très fashionable they were also full of butter, wine, garlic, eggs, sugar, and other things that are terribly bad for you. Conversations ranged from the feasibility of trips to Puerto Rico, poking people and brain tumors that give you face lifts to headless chickens, photography, cartoons, anagrams, illicit activity, politics, leprosy, ultimate frisbee and an upcoming trip to China.

I washed approximately seven thousand eight hundred and ninety two dishes

Also, I've decided that this blog just hasn't been random enough lately, so I'm posting one of my newer recipes: a traditional coq au vin(chicken with wine). Additional menu items from the three dinners included roast leg of lamb, baked salmon with a soy-ginger sauce, roasted sweet carrots, spring salad, blue cheese stuffed olives, french bread, brie with grapes, plum clafoutis, apple pie, and apricot cobbler.

Coq au Vin
(serves six)
Ingredients:
4 pounds of chicken pieces
1 whole bottle of red wine (DO NOT use cooking wine -- make sure it's drinkable, or don't bother to cook with it)
1/2 cup of seasoned flour
4-5 crushed garlic cloves
12 peeled shallots
8 slices of raw bacon (chopped into smallish bits)
3 tablespoons of olive oil
1 cup of chicken stock
8 ounces of button mushrooms
black pepper
a large handful of fresh, shredded basil leaves

Directions:
1. Coat the chicken pieces with seasoned flour. Shake off the excess and set them aside.
2. Heat the olive oil in a large (and deep) nonstick pan over medium heat and cook the chicken in batches for 10 minutes (or until brownish on all sides)-- making sure to turn the pieces frequently
3. Set the chicken pieces aside to drain on paper towels
4. Add the garlic, shallots, and bacon to the pan and cook (don't forget to stir!) for about 5 - 10 minutes until the shallots are starting to turn slightly golden
5. Put all the chicken back in the pan
6. Add the WHOLE BOTTLE of red wine. Make sure it is DRINKABLE red wine, or I'll never speak to you again
7. Stir in the chicken stock and bring to a boil
8. Reduce the heat, cover the pan, and simmer for 1 hour and 15 minutes (until the chicken is tender). You need to stir occasionally, but for the most part you can just fart around, watch television, take a shower or whatever.
9. Add the mushrooms, basil, and any amount of black pepper you like
10. Cook for 10 more minutes, then serve with a smile (knives are unneccessary, as the meat will fall right off the bone)

yes, I'm a very bad blogger

There's been a shocking lack of posts lately

Mainly because I've been off powdering my nose....

but also working, throwing multiple dinner parties, helping make homemade beer, attending Loony Tunes parties, accidentally going on dates, et cetera.

I see that I have * outstanding comments; I shall respond when I return (very very late) this evening.

Off to get trampled playing frisbee!



* "outstanding" as in "not settled or resolved", rather than "superior to others of their kind; distinguished."... although I'm quite sure that everyone's comments are both.