Are You Psycho?

Finally back from Thanksgiving -- burp!

This is part two of my previous post regarding the insane security guard (a.k.a. "RamBarb", a.k.a. "Rocky", a.k.a. "Psycho Granny"). Since many stores apparently do NOT screen security guards for mental health problems, I have designed the following helpful personality test...


(1). when driving, if you see a squirrel running in the road do you:
a. swerve out of the way
b. keep going, hoping that the little guy will get out of the way in time
c. keep going -- you don't care if you hit him or not
d. gun the engine and aim straight for the little bastard


(2). When an attractive person asks you how you are doing, you:
a. say "Fine" and start chatting about the weather
b. stammer a little until your heart rate slows down
c. start talking about how sick you are and the gory details of the recent gallbladder surgery you had
d. start stalking them


(3). when you're alone at home and you start hearing voices, you:
a. change the radio station-- you hate radio talk shows
b. make an appointment to get your hearing aid checked
c. bang on the wall to get your neighbors to be quiet
d. do exactly what the voices say so the demons won't get you


(4). When you pass by the gun range on your way to work you:
a. think "that's weird, I didn't know there was a gun range there"
b. reminisce about the BB gun you had as a child
c. make a mental note to go with some friends -- you need the practice
d. think lovingly of your collection of 44 hand grenades and 62 guns-- all polished, alphabetized, loaded, and ready to go at a moment's notice


(5). When requested to fill out the "memberships and affiliations" field on a job application form, you:
a. don't fill out job forms because you already have a resume
b. write down a membership or two, such as Big Brother/Big Sister, Shriners, or your church choir
c. leave it empty -- you're more of an introvert
d. scribble "Manson Family" and the "Ed Gein Appreciation Society" -- bonus points if you write it in your own blood


(6). When you receive an invitation for a Halloween party, you:
a. go to to a costume shop and rent a really spectacular costume
b. make a creative low-budget costume out of odds and ends at home
c. don't wear a costume -- that's so juvenile
d. pull out your favorite Adolf Hitler outfit and spend two weeks growing the perfect mustache for the occasion, then go around quoting Mein Kampf and giving the Nazi salute


(7). When you watch "Silence Of The Lambs", you:
a. can't stand watching such a horribly violent movie
b. jump frequently and gasp in fright when Jodie Foster is hunting the serial killer in the dark basement
c. decide to buy the movie since it was so well done
d. cheer at the grisly death scenes and sob uncontrollably when the cross-dressing serial killer is shot at the end of the movie


(8). One day every weekend you:
a. go to a church, synagogue, mosque or temple
b. go to the gym
c. sleep in and watch television
d. smoke crack and worship Satan


(9). When someone mentions that you should buy a pet to keep you company, you:
a. adopt an abandoned dog or cat from the local pet shelter
b. purchase a purebred from a well-established breeder
c. decide against a pet due to allergies
d. eat your neighbor's cat


(10). When you look out your window and see the new neighbors heading over to introduce themselves, you:
a. put out the welcome mat and hors d'oeuvres
b. compare lawns and golf scores
c. introduce yourself in a hurry as you rush out to the store
d. dress like a ninja and start setting up the booby traps



*** RESULTS ***
If you answered 'd' to any of the questions, then you are a raging psychopath.

If you did not answer 'd' to any of the questions, you are not a psychopath -- but there is probably something wrong with you anyway

Car Crashes

My short freckly neighbor just wrecked her car after running to the store for a dented package of Ding-Dongs and a sixpack of beer. Now there's just a scatter of glass and the smell of burnt rubber to remind us of her '88 Buick, which may have lacked hubcaps but not the ability to stall at intersections.

I told her it could have been worse...

My college friend Spiff once drank too much beer and drove HIS car into the guardrail at the Sigma Nu fraternity house. He and his roommates groggily stumbled home to phone the police; as they walked through the door, the police called THEM and threatened to charge them with leaving the scene. While Spiff was on the phone, the other guys looked around the room and realized that they had been robbed for the THIRD time (everything was gone, even the inflatable kiddie pool). After the police arrived and heard the story of the accident and robbery, the first thing they said was "You do realize that insurance fraud is a crime?"

Not only that, but my friends discovered what pawn shop the thieves had used -- and had to PAY to retrieve what items remained.

Is George Bush a Giant Space Lizard? Just Ask David Icke.

I am wallowing in despair because I am sick (hack, cough) and had to miss Debbie's faboo pre-ski trip party last night (sob). To compensate, I have been poring through weird and disgusting back issues of Bizarre Magazine.

An article about the eccentric Englishman David Icke caught my eye. He HAS to be the weirdest conspiracy theorist alive today. In the 1980s after temporarily naming himself the Son of God and dressing entirely in turquoise, this retired soccer player began to build a small media empire to spread his message: The world is run by GIANT LIZARDS! (I hope he remembered to read my previous post on How To Start Your Very Own Cult)

Actually, he says that the world is run by the Illuminati conspiracy, which is composed of powerful, blood-sucking, child-sacrificing, Satanic, extraterrestrial death lizards capable of shifting their shapes. AIDS is a lie, and gun control is the first step towards TOTAL domination. hee hee. He has said that Jim Morrison had much to reveal about this as well.

That makes sense. Dubya and Rummy always seemed vaguely reptilian to me anyway...

A few of the people he says are really giant lizards: george w. bush, Queen Elizabeth, Tony Blair, the Rockerfellers, Bill and Hillary Clinton, Bob Hope, and Mikhail Gorbachev.

Quote of the week!
(taken from David Icke's "List of Famous Satanists, Paedophiles And Mind Controllers")
"The following list has been compiled from the wealth of research I have put together over the last ten years. I would suggest that all of these are reptilian bloodline, but I only mention shapeshifting where it has been witnessed. It is only an initial list and will be added to. If you can add names, and give the supporting evidence, that would be most helpful in exposing these horrors. By "Satanists", of course, I mean those involved in human sacrifice.... George Bush: U.S. President and Vice President, head of the CIA, and a stream of other roles in the Illuminati. Satanist, mind controller, torturer of children and adults, paedophile, shapeshifting reptilian, and major drug runner. Serial killer. Nice man.... Queen Elizabeth II of the U.K.: Satanist, child sacrificer, shapeshifting reptilian. Major Illuminati figure."

Run out and buy your copy of The Reptilian Agenda today! hee hee hee!

P.S. It should be noted that David Icke is a fan of Anne Coulter

Viva La Frida!

My friend Brandt just turned 30 yesterday, so a bunch of us went to go eat yummy nouveau-Mexican food at Viva La Frida, which is usually where all the art geeks go; it is painted in many different colors and the walls are covered in Frida Kahlo-inspired pieces and Day of the Dead mosaics and dolls.

The only problem was that they were hosting some sort of awful play outside at the same time, so our conversations were punctuated by bloodcurdling screams for a while...

About twenty or so of us showed up and showered him with many fun things (I gave a double dvd set of The Crawling Eye/Invaders From Mars and a weird little book called Eccentric Lives, Peculiar Notions ("true tales of flat-earthers, head drillers, ufologists, frantic lovers, Welsh druids, finders of lost tribes & other obsessed individuals").

I'm a non-smoker, so I missed much of the exciting conversation from the other end of the table; all I managed to overhear was "gallery... nude... underpants... police... ha ha ha!"

My end of the table mainly discussed circus freaks, sculpture, diseases, the Knights Templar, and what to do if you find an unexplained dachsund in your kitchen.

then I went home and fell asleep. the end.

Ten Notable Noses

I have a terrible head cold and cannot smell, so I am creating a post in honor of my new favorite body part, the nose

Ten Notable Noses
1. Nikolay Gogol, novelist, satirist
(he had a very long nose and wrote a short story called "The Nose"-- about a man whose nose just wanders off one day and tries to live its own life)

2. Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart, composer
(Franz Haydn bet Mozart a quantity of champagne that he couldn't write a composition that Haydn was unable to play immediately. Mozart wrote it in five minutes, and Haydn attempted to play. Halfway through, Haydn had his left hand at the far left and his right had at the far right -- with a note to be played in the middle! He conceded the bet, and Mozart proceeded to play with two hands and his nose)

3. Tycho Brahe, astronomer
(his nose was sliced off in a duel, so he commissioned a new one made from silver and gold)

4. Kevin Cole, world record holder
(he holds the record for the longest spaghetti strand blown out of a nostril in a single blow: seven and a half inches)

5. Erasmus, humanist scholar
(his nose was so sensitive to the odor of fish that it suppoedly caused him to develop a fever each time he smelled it)

6. Helen Keller, blind and deaf
(her nose was so sensitive that she could identify each friend by his or her scent alone)

7. Thomas Wedders, 18th century circus performer
(he had a nose that measured 7 1/2 inches in length,the longest ever recorded)

8. Savien Cyrano de Bergerac, French soldier, philosopher, satirist
(he had one of the most famous noses in history -- described in a play by Edmond Rostand: " 'Tis well known, a big nose is indicative / Of a soul affable, and kind, and courteous, / Liberal, brave, just like myself, and such / As you can never dare to dream yourself"

9. Jim Rose, circus performer
(he makes a living balancing chainsaws on his nose)

10. Joseph Myslivecek "the Bohemian",composer
(he was known for his operas, as well as the fact that he had no nose, which was removed by a quack doctor)

The Brain That Wouldn't Die and Other Things

Someone emailed me and requested a "follow-up" list of B movies. Previously I posted a short list of some campy or strangely cool Asian movies I like (only a subset of all the awesome ones I COULD have posted).

The ones below are more along the lines of "they're SO bad they're good" B movies.

1. The Brain That Wouldn't Die
This 1950s flick has a young doctor who re-animates the severed head of his fiance and looks for fresh bodies... I especially love the mid-movie stripper catfight and the weird laboratory monster that communicates with the amusingly evil head. It's so much more than just a Mystery Science Theatre episode.

2. Robot Monster
This dreadfully stinky and wonderfully amusing 1950s science fiction flick has a horny space monster (in gorilla suit and sea-diving helmet) that invades Earth with a death ray, a chest of drawers that functions as a communicator, a box that blows soap bubbles, and some random alligators that are apparently supposed to pass as dinosaurs. Awesome!!!

3. Disco Dancer
This 1970s Bollywood disco extravaganza oozes great big sticky gobs of cheesy melodrama that has to be seen to be believed. Wonderfully BAD acting, psychotic editing, indescribable dancing,startling costumes and TERRIBLE fight scenes. Note: Epileptics should probably avoid

4. Meet The Feebles
A muppet show on crack.... puppets do drugs, smoke, drink, fornicate and kill each other. Disturbingly funny

6. The Curious Dr. Humpp
a classic released by Something Weird Video-- hippies, lesbians, strippers, cheesy monsters, a telepathic sex machine and a talking/spontaneously combusting brain

7. Disco Godfather
While it isn't as hysterically funny as Disco Dancer, this funky flick can definitely deliver the laughs at any disco party... rollerskaters in hot pants, horrible acting, hilarious PCP freakouts, spangled jumpsuits, a groovy soundrack & beautiful 70s decor

8. Dead Alive
Ridiculously unbelievable and completely over-the-top zombie gorefest that rates as a comedy

9. Spider Baby
A weird 1960s flick starring Lon Chaney Jr. as the chauffeur to a childishly bloodthirsty family living in a dilapidated mansion.

10. Destroy All Monsters
This 1960s Japanese flick has an evil band of women from the Moon who try to conquer Earth -- but first they must duke it out with Godzilla, Mothra, Rodan and the other monsters who keep stomping Tokyo.

I Feel Like A Big Snake

I feel like I'm going to die right now...

This morning Cynthia kept going on and on about all the yummy food she and Chad ate at the Melting Pot last Friday: cheese, blah blah, more cheese, blah, wine, blah blah blah, chocolate chocolate chocolate, blah blah, chocolate.

So ALL day the only thing I could think about was how much I was craving cheese and chocolate fondue from the Melting Pot. I dragged Anna along with me and we snarfed down enough fondue to kill a horse. We were so exhausted that we couldn't even finish the last bits of cheesecake and things-- we just sat there half-asleep and moaning quietly to ourselves...

I feel like a big snake, and I'm never eating again.... ugh

Listening to some vintage Bollywood tunes ('cause that always makes me feel better) and GOING TO BED!!!

Meeting Meat at the Meat Market

Since I appear to be a good-luck charm for any single female friend looking for a date, I had one try to return the favor this weekend... big mistake.

We went to what is supposed to be a "fun trendy spot for singles to mingle." I would agree-- if those singles happen to be insane or from another planet.

Our only "catch" of the evening was a short Chinese guy with very large "Flock of Seagulls" 1980s hair, several missing teeth, VERY bad breath, and a suit that was obviously designed by deranged clowns.

I believe he tops the last guy who was interested in me: he was very nice and attractive, but he was also a bipolar, broke, car-less, chain-smoking, ex-convict who believes in the Loch Ness Monster and fairies

I expect that the next person to ask me out will be either a cannibal serial killer or a bald porn star. It must be my natural charm.

Black Tight Killers and Other Movies That Just Need Love

I Just finished watching Black Tight Killers (yeah!), a VERY campy little Japanese gangster thriller from 1966. I love it. I want to buy it, kiss it, take it home and feed it tiny bon-bons. It is the BEST psychedelic movie with go-go dancing female assassins I have ever seen. Their weapons of choice? Razor sharp records! Sort of like Suzuki, but a bit weirder...

Other fun movies that just need love:

1. Lone Wolf and Cub: Baby Cart to Hades
(an outcast samurai wanders the countryside pushing his young son in a deadly baby carriage that shoots hidden knives and bullets at the enemy) -- Actually, ANYTHING in the Lone Wolf and Cub series is great

2. Riki-Oh: The Story of Riki
(A prison inmate mangles scores of other prisoners, chops tables in two, punches through stomachs and ties knots in his own tendons to keep on fighting. The Assistant Warden has a glass eye AND a hook hand!)

3. Mr. Vampire
(hilariously bizarre kung fu/horror movie filled with hopping vampires, "mischevious corpses" whose burials did not follow the proper rituals)

4. Moon Warriors
(wire-fu, bad translations, and a pet killer whale)

5. Lady Snowblood
(source of inspiration for Kill Bill, female assassin kills lots of people. blood everywhere)

6. The Bride With White Hair
(my favorite supernatural kung-fu ghost love story with really creepy hair)

7. Female Convict Scorpion: Jailhouse 41
(Asian women-in-prison exploitation flick with violent martial arts and eye-popping color)

8. Happiness of the Katakuris
(bizarrely charming little musical(!) about family togetherness-- complete with toxic pollution, a cheesy karaoke interlude, dancing corpses and very ugly puppets)

9. Shaolin Soccer
(interesting mix of over-the-top Hong Kong style martial arts goofiness, special effects, and wacky comedy)

10. Chinese Ghost Story
(heroic tax collector falls in love with beautiful ghost protected by a demon with a hideous tongue)

I could go on and on in this particular vein, but I'll stop here

Today My Mood Is...

Today my mood is... 

A Political Metaphor

Today I accidentally read about the sea cucumber, an echinoderm with tentacles (which actually does resemble an ambulatory cucumber). What I love about the sea cucumber is the fact that it vomits rather a lot. Whenever a predator threatens the sea cucumber, it vomits up much of its insides, almost turning itself inside-out. This vomit is incredibly toxic and can kill other marine life.

Can you smell a political metaphor here?

Rats and Found

After throwing out ANOTHER useless glue trap, I have decided to shop for the most painful and dangerous looking rat trap I can find to kill the little monster that's been running amok in my kitchen. If Home Depot has one with poison gas, hidden knives or exploding flame-throwers, I'm buying it immediately. Twice now I have awakened in the morning to discover glue traps full of... gray fur.

Earlier I went to a very cool little art show at Covivant gallery in Tampa; the art itself didn't really interest me that much, but I really enjoyed the performance from the founder of FOUND Magazine (Davy Rothbart). For years he's been collecting bits of social flotsam: discarded letters, photographs, diaries, blackmail notes, tapes, to-do lists, lost pet posters, etc. These have been compiled into numerous magazine issues (and now a book) both funny and heartbreaking. His performance consisted of sharing some of the most interesting examples, some of which had us laughing hysterically

some of my favorites:
a math test where a kid answers all the questions with pictures and rhymes

a hysterically funny demo tape of some white kids making AWFUL rap songs like "Wave Yo' Booty in the Air", "Yo' Shit Be Up in My Face" and "Ass-Whomp Bustin' Out of Yo' Back Pocket" (I was crying)

a badly spelled letter from a son pleading with his father to keep in touch

a series of sarcastic class evaluations where students talk about how terrible the class was

a help wanted poster that reads: "Ever cut your skin for fun? sell your ass? sleep on the street? Do you like pain? Take heroin? If so LETS START A BAND call"....

a boy's poignant letter to his dead mother

a to-do list that includes "Get Baptized" and "Start Drinking"

I really got a kick out of reading the book since it presents such a fascinating and varied peek into other's lives. Now I'm tempted to pick up every stray piece of paper I find, just to see if there's something interesting on it...

Fantasy Fest Feathers and Body Painting...

more feathers...

Budweiser frogs 

painted couple 

the visible man (body painting) 

more Fantasy Fest body painting

feathers and beads

gold coins and feathered headdresses

Fantasy Fest -- Saturday

Saturday was the highlight of Fantasy Fest, which culminated in a parade down Duval street. Almost every float showcased some body painting, and people were dancing in the streets and throwing beads... we ended up at club Aqua again, which was packed with costumed people and VERY tall drag queens. Took my picture with one or two especially interesting ones.

interesting sightings of the evening:
a couple of right-wing christians carrying crosses and yelling slurs at passersby

a woman in a teddy pushing a fluffy cat in a baby carriage (and it seemed perfectly happy)

the "mayor" of Key West, who was dressed in a tuxedo from the front and garters in the back

several elderly people with fishnets and canes/walkers

two Frankenfurters on motorscooters

about eight million people wearing things they probably shouldn't have

Also saw a couple of guys in feathered hats and very, very tall stilts. One got stuck on a barricade, and my friend Britta tried helping him out, to no avail. She asked all the guys standing around if they had a pocket knife to help free him. Nope. So she finally calls out "Hey! Any lesbians in the crowd? You guys ALWAYS have pocketknives." Sure enough, some chick came up with a knife and she cut him loose ... later they danced with us to some really groovy tunes

then we crashed on the boat

Partygoers 

more body painting 

the TALLEST drag queen in Key West 

bearded belly dancers 

Meow 

Fantasy Fest -- Friday

On Friday my best friend from high school (Britta) and my best friend from college (Reed) finally made it down to Key West... moved to a different yacht to be closer to the action on Duval street...

We roamed around looking at the street vendors' wares, hit Fast Buck Freddie's (which sells VERY cool Fantasy Fest masks) and Fair Villa (which sells fun costumes and body jewelry). We also saw a LOT more of the traditional Fantasy Fest body painting out and about as people started going downtown. Took loads of photos, went dancing at a very cool drag club called Aqua, and basically hung out all night.

More Fantasy Fest photos to follow...

Feathers and Body Painting

more feathers 

the Pope and a Playboy Bunny 

more body painting 

body painting at Fantasy Fest

Viva Las Vegas at Fantasy Fest!

Medusa and friend 

Inside club Aqua on Duval Street 

Fantasy Fest -- Thursday

On Thursday afternoon we went to the Butterfly conservatory, which was absolutely amazing; we walked through a huge glass room with waterfalls, thousands of butterflies in every color, and gorgeous rainbow-colored finches. NONE of my photos turned out from this expedition, which is very frustrating...

Later went to the chicken store, which rescues abandoned Key West chickens, adopts them out, and pays for their upkeep by selling amusing chicken-oriented T-shirts and things. They had adorable baby chicks, as well as eggs for sale to anyone who wanted to incubate one. They had a hilarious photo of a miniature Viking funeral that they gave for an egg that just wouldn't hatch... I have to say that I've never seen so many weird animals in my life -- beakless, naked, you name it. They were ALL defective, but oddly charming.

The Pretenders in Paradise costume contest was that night ($10,000 in prizes), and it was even better than last year! This contest has both professional and amateur divisions, both of which are incredible. We saw a man who attached a gigantic 20 foot high witch-doctor puppet to himself & he made it dance around and bow to the audience... someone else made a HUGE glow-in-the dark spider costume that filled the entire stage... also a giant squid that "accidentally" ripped someone's clothes off. ha ha.

The best Key West sighting of the night: an EIGHTY YEAR OLD woman in red fishnets, a tiny red teddy (that she should NOT have been wearing), a CANE, a brown wig, and earrings that spelled "SEXXXY". I was horrified, yet strangely impressed with someone trying that hard to stay out of the nursing home.

That was basically it for Thursday -- it was mostly quiet since everyone was resting for the weekend.

I will post more (with pics) tomorrow.

Fantasy Fest Topless Body Painting...

Body Painting at Fantasy Fest

Grrrr.....

Grrrr....