Monday, November 29, 2004

Are You Psycho?

Finally back from Thanksgiving -- burp!

This is part two of my previous post regarding the insane security guard (a.k.a. "RamBarb", a.k.a. "Rocky", a.k.a. "Psycho Granny"). Since many stores apparently do NOT screen security guards for mental health problems, I have designed the following helpful personality test...


(1). when driving, if you see a squirrel running in the road do you:
a. swerve out of the way
b. keep going, hoping that the little guy will get out of the way in time
c. keep going -- you don't care if you hit him or not
d. gun the engine and aim straight for the little bastard


(2). When an attractive person asks you how you are doing, you:
a. say "Fine" and start chatting about the weather
b. stammer a little until your heart rate slows down
c. start talking about how sick you are and the gory details of the recent gallbladder surgery you had
d. start stalking them


(3). when you're alone at home and you start hearing voices, you:
a. change the radio station-- you hate radio talk shows
b. make an appointment to get your hearing aid checked
c. bang on the wall to get your neighbors to be quiet
d. do exactly what the voices say so the demons won't get you


(4). When you pass by the gun range on your way to work you:
a. think "that's weird, I didn't know there was a gun range there"
b. reminisce about the BB gun you had as a child
c. make a mental note to go with some friends -- you need the practice
d. think lovingly of your collection of 44 hand grenades and 62 guns-- all polished, alphabetized, loaded, and ready to go at a moment's notice


(5). When requested to fill out the "memberships and affiliations" field on a job application form, you:
a. don't fill out job forms because you already have a resume
b. write down a membership or two, such as Big Brother/Big Sister, Shriners, or your church choir
c. leave it empty -- you're more of an introvert
d. scribble "Manson Family" and the "Ed Gein Appreciation Society" -- bonus points if you write it in your own blood


(6). When you receive an invitation for a Halloween party, you:
a. go to to a costume shop and rent a really spectacular costume
b. make a creative low-budget costume out of odds and ends at home
c. don't wear a costume -- that's so juvenile
d. pull out your favorite Adolf Hitler outfit and spend two weeks growing the perfect mustache for the occasion, then go around quoting Mein Kampf and giving the Nazi salute


(7). When you watch "Silence Of The Lambs", you:
a. can't stand watching such a horribly violent movie
b. jump frequently and gasp in fright when Jodie Foster is hunting the serial killer in the dark basement
c. decide to buy the movie since it was so well done
d. cheer at the grisly death scenes and sob uncontrollably when the cross-dressing serial killer is shot at the end of the movie


(8). One day every weekend you:
a. go to a church, synagogue, mosque or temple
b. go to the gym
c. sleep in and watch television
d. smoke crack and worship Satan


(9). When someone mentions that you should buy a pet to keep you company, you:
a. adopt an abandoned dog or cat from the local pet shelter
b. purchase a purebred from a well-established breeder
c. decide against a pet due to allergies
d. eat your neighbor's cat


(10). When you look out your window and see the new neighbors heading over to introduce themselves, you:
a. put out the welcome mat and hors d'oeuvres
b. compare lawns and golf scores
c. introduce yourself in a hurry as you rush out to the store
d. dress like a ninja and start setting up the booby traps



*** RESULTS ***
If you answered 'd' to any of the questions, then you are a raging psychopath.

If you did not answer 'd' to any of the questions, you are not a psychopath -- but there is probably something wrong with you anyway

2 Comments:

Blogger Carmi said...

I might anonymously slip this under the door of the doofus who manages the security morons at my former company. It's funny because there's at least a kernel of truth buried within it.

3:12 PM  
Blogger glomgold said...

The closest thing to my would-be answer for #9 is d. I guess this makes me crazy. Yarrghh!!

10:16 AM  

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