Gee, Travel Sure Is Fun!
I'm finally getting a chance to post again after beginning my business trip to Colorado this week
The weather is gorgeous, the scenery is beautiful, and I get to hang out with an old friend and talk nerdy techspeak. Every day I've almost seen a bear or a deer, I've had people buy me lovely dinners, and I revel in the complete lack of humidity.
The odd thing about Colorado, though, is the fact that so many people wear Enormous belt buckles and mustaches. Also, there's a giant M etched on the mountain nearby, which rather perplexed me; I asked my friend Phil about its significance, and he informed me that the area has a well-known school for mimes. It wasn't until later that I realized he had said "mines". We then went on to have a rather intense philisophical discussion; it turns out that my life philosophy is "bloom where you are planted", whereas he goes more for the "shrivel up and die where you are planted." So really, it takes all sorts to run the world, doesn't it?
******
You will be happy to know that my experience with airline travel consistently followed all the proper procedures according to the standard government regulations:
1. It will be impossible to get a direct flight, no matter how much whining is involved
2. Homeland Security requirements state that all searches and lines must take as long as possible. Searches must result in lost or damaged items.
3. Your flight will be delayed due to weather.
4. Your next flight will be delayed due to unforseen circumstances.
5. Your next flight will be delayed due to technical difficulties
6. All passengers are required to be seated next to a crying infant. If a crying infant is not available, your flight will be delayed until one can be provided.
7. All luggage shall be misplaced for a period of no less than 24 hours, according to federal regulation 45-A23
8. Homeland Security requirements state that all airline personnel shall stare suspiciously and red flag your file when you complain about lost luggage.
9. All departure and arrival times shall be optimized for maximum inconvenience.
10. We don't like you.
The weather is gorgeous, the scenery is beautiful, and I get to hang out with an old friend and talk nerdy techspeak. Every day I've almost seen a bear or a deer, I've had people buy me lovely dinners, and I revel in the complete lack of humidity.
The odd thing about Colorado, though, is the fact that so many people wear Enormous belt buckles and mustaches. Also, there's a giant M etched on the mountain nearby, which rather perplexed me; I asked my friend Phil about its significance, and he informed me that the area has a well-known school for mimes. It wasn't until later that I realized he had said "mines". We then went on to have a rather intense philisophical discussion; it turns out that my life philosophy is "bloom where you are planted", whereas he goes more for the "shrivel up and die where you are planted." So really, it takes all sorts to run the world, doesn't it?
******
You will be happy to know that my experience with airline travel consistently followed all the proper procedures according to the standard government regulations:
1. It will be impossible to get a direct flight, no matter how much whining is involved
2. Homeland Security requirements state that all searches and lines must take as long as possible. Searches must result in lost or damaged items.
3. Your flight will be delayed due to weather.
4. Your next flight will be delayed due to unforseen circumstances.
5. Your next flight will be delayed due to technical difficulties
6. All passengers are required to be seated next to a crying infant. If a crying infant is not available, your flight will be delayed until one can be provided.
7. All luggage shall be misplaced for a period of no less than 24 hours, according to federal regulation 45-A23
8. Homeland Security requirements state that all airline personnel shall stare suspiciously and red flag your file when you complain about lost luggage.
9. All departure and arrival times shall be optimized for maximum inconvenience.
10. We don't like you.
posted by L at 11:56 AM
10 Comments:
11. The sign at the counter reads "Customer Service" because "Go away, we've got our own problems" was deemed bad for business.
Sounds like you had more difficulties after I talked to you last! Hope you are having at least a bit of fun in between meetings. Did you like the Denver airport floor?
Gosh, I'm glad I don't have to fly. At least the "M" didn't stand for Microsoft. I'm not ready for Bill Gates on Mount Rushmore or anything like it.
Luckily, the Homeland Security folks are highly trained in the area of customer dissatisfaction, frowning, and looking for ways to totally screw up your flight. Think what would've happened if they hadn't been trained and were just winging it? Then they might have been just been rude, intrusive, and abusive of their power.
Ahh, I knew I didn't miss business travel for a reason!
My favorite airportism is the sign behind the check in counter at New Orleans MSY. "We take jokes seriously". In other words when they ask how many bags you are checking don't say, for instance, "just one, be careful or you will set it off early".
Unless you LIKE cavity searches that is, I have heard they are strangely relaxing.
the problem with not having tv is that i never know what's going on.
Hope you are feeling better now, after your horrible week!
Travel is so harrowing these days. Not like in old movies, where it was a 'luxury, first-class' experience. Now it's more like an 'animals being herded on a truck to the butchers' kind of experience.
rainypete: heh heh. sounds like you've travelled recently too
rhodent: you know, I was so tired that I forgot to look for fossils in the airport floor!
comfort addict: who knows, maybe it DOES stand for Microsoft and my friend was just too embarassed to tell me....
mark: yikes
Carol: you should be glad to stay home I think
editengine: I think I'll let you examine the pros and cons of cavity searches. I will stay far, far away :)
anigans: I don't have one either, m'dear. not necessarily a bad thing.
ms. vile: I am feeling better, although with a slight cold. it's good to be back!
Ah, it all sounds marvelous! Except the infant stuff. Seriously, I enjoy the airline experience so much I think I'm only 2 steps away from being that guy who climbs into the wheelwells, freezes to death mid-flight, and then my limbs break off when caught in the gears during landing. Only THAT guy doesn't like flying so much as he's just nuts, poor, or felonious.
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