Thursday, July 28, 2005

They Forgot All About Me

Apparently, someone organized a "worst writing" contest, and no one thought to nominate me. This is quite a disappointment, as they give out cash awards for "terrifyingly bad sentences"!

The contest is devoted to "writers with a little talent and no taste", so it is really quite vexing that I discovered it too late.

This year's winner was penned by an American named Dan McKay. According to CNN online, his winning entry read as follows: "As he stared at her ample bosom, he daydreamed of the dual Stromberg carburetors in his vintage Triumph Spitfire," he wrote, comparing a woman's breasts to "small knurled caps of the oil dampeners."

OH PLEASE! I can write at least as badly as the next person!

Here are just a few examples of my talent; read 'em and weep:

1. The blushing maiden was surrounded by darkly wing'ed night creatures, as billowy gray clouds will sometimes surround the sparkling sun in merry spring, but she took no heed, continuing to delicately pluck sweet strains from a golden lyre as her sumptuously creamy bosom heaved and swelled like an ivory ship tossing about on a turgid sea.

2. The atmosphere in the dank courtroom was so stiffly thick with bristling emotional tension that one felt it could be sliced quite easily with a dull butter knife, briefly isolating each individual moment with startling clarity, as a gleaming pat of butter will momentarily crown a steaming dinner roll before melting into a distant obscurity.

3. After Lord Dexter Montrose III of Surrey blandly allowed his mind to wander over his immense fortune and fabulously exotic list of worldly possessions, the family castle, his two mansions in New York, his summer villa in Firenze, the stables filled with world-class thoroughbreds, his exquisitely peroxided young wife and the adoring peasants, he realized, finally, that he just wanted to say "Screw it" and be an artist.

And don't forget -- that's really just the tip of the iceberg!


Anonymous Anonymous said...

You should enter this..

7:57 AM  
Blogger Rainypete said...

Who knew butter could be hiding such tension and complexity?!

11:18 AM  
Blogger Larry Jones said...

Wow! Those sentences really make me puke! You have a gift, only a minute portion of which has been exposed here. Keep up the (really bad) work, babe!

4:06 PM  
Blogger Saur♥Kraut said...

I simply adore sentence #2. Sentence #3 sounds like something Clive Cussler would write. Marvellous!

10:49 AM  
Blogger L said...

anonymous: thanks for the tip! (I entered, but sadly did not win)

rainypete: I know! And don't even get me started on margarine or other butter substitutes.

larry: thanks! I try my very best :)

saurkraut: I have to admit that #2 is also my personal favorite

5:48 PM  
Anonymous weary hag said...

In an earlier comment I said I "miss Karen." I also miss coming here more often! [there's a compliment in there somewhere .... trust me]
I think you have outdone yourself here with bad writing - particularly on sample #1. [stands ... applauds]

11:35 AM  
Anonymous herge smith said...

Dan McKay is a genius - I must track down that book.

I have often been distracted from day to day-current affairs with the fret that my personal definition of ample, in the context of a gentlewoman’s bosom falls somewhat short of the populous definition of ample. To me it is simple; I would consider any bosom I can get my mits on to be ample. Alas, I fear this is not the common understanding of the term.

As for your efforts - you are to be commended for your use of the word 'wing'ed'. Nicely done.

11:35 AM  
Anonymous Barb said...

OMG, you're right! Those are amazingly awful sentences. I like the highly peroxided wife. You should definitely get an honary mention despite your lateness! lol

11:35 AM  
Anonymous Benda Love said...

I think the courtroom analogy rules.

11:36 AM  
Anonymous Alisa said...

Hah! Those are truly dreadful. You have a promising future at writing terrible prose AND winning awards for it!

11:36 AM  
Anonymous llcoffee said...

Amazing sentences, I adore their literary voluptuousness with increasing veracity.

11:36 AM  
Anonymous mark said...

I am amazed at your dexterity of mangling the English language and applaud your creative efforts of maiming phrases. You rock L!

11:36 AM  
Anonymous mokey said...

I'm afraid, my dear L, that your motive in this last post is all too transparent: fishing for compliments is waaaaaaaaaay beneath you. Even faking it and trying to write bad prose, your talent shines through!

11:36 AM  
Blogger L said...

weary hag: thank you. maybe I will win next year...

herge: actually, it's not a book-- the contest is just for awful sentences (although I suppose they could be from a book).

barb: thanks! but I suppose I'll have better luck next time

brenda: that one is definitely my favorite...

alisa: thanks! I could always use more cash :)

llcoffee: hey, you're not too bad there yourself!

mark: it's taken years of hard labor to get this far.

mr. mokey: okay you win! compliment me as MUCH as possible please!

11:37 AM  
Anonymous glomgold said...

The pat of butter has brought tears to my eye. I am inspired to do my own bad writing.

11:37 AM  

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