They Forgot All About Me

Apparently, someone organized a "worst writing" contest, and no one thought to nominate me. This is quite a disappointment, as they give out cash awards for "terrifyingly bad sentences"!

The contest is devoted to "writers with a little talent and no taste", so it is really quite vexing that I discovered it too late.

This year's winner was penned by an American named Dan McKay. According to CNN online, his winning entry read as follows: "As he stared at her ample bosom, he daydreamed of the dual Stromberg carburetors in his vintage Triumph Spitfire," he wrote, comparing a woman's breasts to "small knurled caps of the oil dampeners."

OH PLEASE! I can write at least as badly as the next person!

Here are just a few examples of my talent; read 'em and weep:


1. The blushing maiden was surrounded by darkly wing'ed night creatures, as billowy gray clouds will sometimes surround the sparkling sun in merry spring, but she took no heed, continuing to delicately pluck sweet strains from a golden lyre as her sumptuously creamy bosom heaved and swelled like an ivory ship tossing about on a turgid sea.

2. The atmosphere in the dank courtroom was so stiffly thick with bristling emotional tension that one felt it could be sliced quite easily with a dull butter knife, briefly isolating each individual moment with startling clarity, as a gleaming pat of butter will momentarily crown a steaming dinner roll before melting into a distant obscurity.

3. After Lord Dexter Montrose III of Surrey blandly allowed his mind to wander over his immense fortune and fabulously exotic list of worldly possessions, the family castle, his two mansions in New York, his summer villa in Firenze, the stables filled with world-class thoroughbreds, his exquisitely peroxided young wife and the adoring peasants, he realized, finally, that he just wanted to say "Screw it" and be an artist.



And don't forget -- that's really just the tip of the iceberg!

We Go Gayly Forward, But Not Quite Straight Ahead...

After playing oodles of air hockey and violent video games with a bunch of guys I know, I decided to toddle on over to the Tampa International Gay and Lesbian summer film series at the Paladium theatre.

I was très fashionable and went with my friends, Bill and Debbie, who are nicknamed "Will" and "Grace". When they informed me of this, I was quite perturbed, as it means that the only related television character I get to be is the boozy, shrill, pill-popping Karen. I suppose that means I shall have to run out and and get prescriptions for Percoset and Oxycontin, which is really such a bother.

As I was one of the only people there without A.) a Y chromosome or B.) a mullet, I felt an overwhelming urge to sprinkle my conversations with "absolutely fabulous!", "darling!" and "that bitch!". However, the theatre has a hallway labeled "The Queen's Promenade", so I sipped a little wine, promenaded a bit and immediately felt better.

The films were Starcrossed and Harry and Max, both of which were decently controversial, but depressing.

The refreshments were mainly meat, cheese and fruit. But the food was refreshing too, of course.

The Continuation of Odd Art

I've realized that a rather large percentage of my "Odd Art" posts seem to focus on bodily functions, so I thought I should post something non-Freudian for once. I didn't want readers to start asking me about my mother, inquiring if I have penis-envy or analyzing whether or not I suffer from hysteria and other variously charming complexes.

The rest of the blog should be quite adequate for that.

Fat Car, by Austrian artist Erwin Wurm, really seems to epitomize the current cultural mood in America today. Or perhaps it epitomizes the current physical state of America today; I really can't tell the difference.

And that's all we really need to say about that, isn't it?

The Happiest Celebration On Earth!!!!!!!!

I was so excited after the big DisneyWorld bash last weekend, that it's taken me an entire week to calm down enough to blog about it! In fact, I don't think I can even use enough exclamation points to describe it!!!!! That's how exciting it was!!!

To celebrate my great aunt's 75th birthday, we decided to revel in the exquisite taste and culture that is DisneyWorld/Epcot. (!!!!!)

Day One: DisneyWorld
We carpooled to the Magic Kingdom and began sweating immediately, ingesting various liquids as we explored the big plastic wonder that is Disney. We admired the giant plastic Swiss Family Robinson tree house, giggled through the plastic cemetery in the Haunted Mansion, oohed and aahed over plastic pillaging in the Pirates of the Carribean, then admired realistically plastic wildlife during the plastic jungle boat tour!

The beautiful gift shops stretched as far as the eye could possibly see, and each ride spat its passengers out into a gorgeously plastic array of expensive gifts that were lovingly tailored to each specific theme. As we waded through hordes of fainting children, we debated the merits of the plastic pirate swords, the plastic commemorative plastic, the plastic sombreros and plastic viking helmets -- all lovingly constructed by perky young mouseketeers in China.

Periodically, paramedics would rush frantically through the crowd to revive a tourist overcome by the heat, the ticket prices, and the thrilling song and dance numbers that spontaneously erupted in the streets. But we pushed on regardless, and even managed to catch a distant glimpse of the Cinderalla castle pink and purple multiple princess extravaganza! It was priceless!!!!!!!


Day Two: Epcot
Whereas the Magic Kingdom is known for its classic plastic, Epcot maintains a more contemporary plastic look in its showcase of science and global culture. Frankly, we didn't get to see much of the science stuff, as a lot of that part has been taken over by gift shops. But we did get to watch some sleeping manatees and the plastic hydroponics showcase.

We went to the Japan showcase (which is really just like Japan, only with slightly fewer Hello Kitty souvenirs) and admired their gift shop. Then we watched adorable acrobats in the China showcase (which is really just like China, only with a lot less communism) and admired their gift shop. We also went to the Mexico showcase (which is really just like Mexico, only poor people aren't allowed) to admire their gift shop. Later, we went to Germany (which is really just like Germany, except their gift shop has a much higher percentage of Hummel figurines).

We ate a yummy Moroccan lunch at Morocco, admired a lovely belly dancer with attractive implants, gazed longingly at the giant turkey leg vendors, then ate a very good French dinner at the France showcase (which wasn't like France at all because no one seemed to hate us too much).

So we really had an enjoyable time, especially after all the sugar we ate, and the birthday was a resounding success!!!

Just for good measure: !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Relaxing...

It was a bit of a busy weekend, so I'm taking a bit of a breather.

Friday
Trickled on over to the Emerald in St. Petersburg for their "Walterpalooza", a retirement tribute to their best-known bartender (Walt's been slinging drinks since 1970). It was really quite cheerful, despite the uncheerful band names on the roster: Can't Do It, Car Bomb Driver, Crippled Masters, The Hero Dies, No Loves, Unrequited Loves, etc. (I've considered requesting a soundtrack for my life).

My favorites were Randy Wilcox and the Moonsnakes, as well as the Redliners (who have a very yummy lead singer I must say).

Saturday
Oozed my way into the Vitale gallery for the Hot and Bothered show, which was a fitting name due to the fire-breathing and lack of air conditioning. However, they always pull in a very interesting crowd. The art isn't too bad either.

Sunday
Ate more than humanly possible on a brunch cruise around Tampa Bay. Admired the scenery as the captain charmingly pointed out the phosphate plant, the giant mounds of mysterious industrial byproducts, the grain storage facility and the fabulously huge houses teetering on tiny plots of waterfront property.

Later behaved quite irresponsibly with Debbie and Bill, who forced me to eat yummy lamb bits and then drink at the very cool Independent bar in downtown St. Petersburg. Had a lovely Belgian beer called Delerium Tremens, which is casked in wormwood. I waited anxiously, but suffered no hallucinations and neglected to cut off my ear. Despite that, they invited me to hang some art on the wall, so I shall have to go and Get Busy.

Another post later.

Check These Out

A friend of mine gave me a really cool little "housewarming gift": an entire set of vintage Vargas playing cards! I think they're so cheesy and cute that I scanned a few...

Back In Florida... So Here's More Odd Art

I'm still a bit tired after my romp through Denver and Orlando this week, so I shall be terribly lazy and post another installment of very odd art.

This lovely masterpiece is one of a series of "Piss Paintings" by Andy Warhol. The base is acrylic with copper metallic paint, upon which the artist has urinated, causing oxidation.

According to Bonham's site, "Warhol produced this work during the 70s, an era of hedonistic excess. His idea was to unveil what was beneath the veneer of vacuous disco music and dubious fashion, to reveal a dark underbelly of out-of-control and sometimes dangerous behaviour fuelled by copious amounts of willingly shared drugs and sex partners."

Because I have yet to win the lottery, I may take a page from Warhol's book, so to speak. Should I take a bunch of exotic drugs, listen to disco and wander around pissing on things? It sounds like it pays rather well. I can be vacuous and wear dubious fashions as well, which might be less stressful than most occupations.

*******

After tonight we will return to our regularly scheduled programming.

Tomorrow on Random_Speak: L expounds on the joys and wonders of Disney World.

Gallivanting...

Well, this has certainly been quite the busy week; with all the stress and awkward social interactions, we've barely had time for saucy commentary, wry facial expressions or scandalous anecdotes.

In other news, which isn't really new- or news for that matter- We Have Given Up Men for Lent, which has now been extended to a fresh and exciting 365 day *holiday of inconvenience and woe.

We have not given up on trickling out of the house for various events of sorts, and in fact are going out this evening for drinks, which may or may not have tiny umbrellas. However, we shall speak exclusively with the potted palm in the corner, in order to avoid any perilous conversations.


Pros of the "We Have Given Up Men for Lent"en Holiday:
1. ice cream for breakfast!
2. the ability to cut your hair however you want without someone throwing a fit
3. kung fu movie marathons!
4. no compromise on radio stations while driving
5. vacation wherever you want

Cons of the "We Have Given Up Men for Lent"en Holdiay:
1. no nookie
2. an alarming tendency to roam around in nothing but unfashionable socks while eating ice cream for breakfast
3. still no nookie
4. only one jar of mayonnaise, a bottle of wine, and a bag of shriveled grapes in the refrigerator
5. um, no nookie at all


*We hope to have a line of greeting cards soon.

Gee, Travel Sure Is Fun!

I'm finally getting a chance to post again after beginning my business trip to Colorado this week

The weather is gorgeous, the scenery is beautiful, and I get to hang out with an old friend and talk nerdy techspeak. Every day I've almost seen a bear or a deer, I've had people buy me lovely dinners, and I revel in the complete lack of humidity.

The odd thing about Colorado, though, is the fact that so many people wear Enormous belt buckles and mustaches. Also, there's a giant M etched on the mountain nearby, which rather perplexed me; I asked my friend Phil about its significance, and he informed me that the area has a well-known school for mimes. It wasn't until later that I realized he had said "mines". We then went on to have a rather intense philisophical discussion; it turns out that my life philosophy is "bloom where you are planted", whereas he goes more for the "shrivel up and die where you are planted." So really, it takes all sorts to run the world, doesn't it?

******

You will be happy to know that my experience with airline travel consistently followed all the proper procedures according to the standard government regulations:

1. It will be impossible to get a direct flight, no matter how much whining is involved

2. Homeland Security requirements state that all searches and lines must take as long as possible. Searches must result in lost or damaged items.

3. Your flight will be delayed due to weather.

4. Your next flight will be delayed due to unforseen circumstances.

5. Your next flight will be delayed due to technical difficulties

6. All passengers are required to be seated next to a crying infant. If a crying infant is not available, your flight will be delayed until one can be provided.

7. All luggage shall be misplaced for a period of no less than 24 hours, according to federal regulation 45-A23

8. Homeland Security requirements state that all airline personnel shall stare suspiciously and red flag your file when you complain about lost luggage.

9. All departure and arrival times shall be optimized for maximum inconvenience.

10. We don't like you.

The Week In Review

It's been a horrible week, so I've misplaced my sense of humor.

As a result, this may become one of those blogs where one dryly discusses things like television shows and designer shoes, only I don't own a television and know nothing whatsoever about designer shoes.

The Week In Review

1. The Fourth of July weekend was the worst holiday I have ever had. I worked almost the entire time just to get out of my house.

2. I am no longer on speaking terms with someone who I thought was a friend but went out of his way to prove the opposite. I don't worry too much about accidentally running into him, however. I figure I can always back up my car and run into him again.

3. work, work, work, work, work, work.

On a lighter note, I just purchased some wonderfully twisted art by the lead singer of Devo, Mark Mothersbaugh. The piece I bought is called Kindergarten Fuhrer and is shown here, along with some other interesting things. The artist describes this show as being composed of ' "Corrected" photos pulled from man's past, then mutated into sickeningly beautiful beings. A study of humans via symmetry using vintage photos circa 1800's & 1900's.'

The show was organized by Experimental Skeleton and was in a very cool new space at Tampa Union Station. I wore my slinkiest flapper outfit, chatted with art and geek friends, drank rather too much, then hung out 'till the wee hours discussing completely nonsensical things.

Today the weather is horrid. We are catching the edge of Hurricane Dennis.

However, my life is a rose garden compared to what people must be experiencing in London this week. What a horrible thing to happen.