Thursday, March 30, 2006

Now that you ask....

Not only is Random_Speak a top-quality blogging product, but it also brings you the very best in Art, Science, Fashion, Math, Culture, and so much more! Lately, however, we've noticed a rather large gap in our product's competitiveness with more traditional media-- a gap we only recently noticed when observant reader tickgirl helpfully commented on the previous astrology post: "What's next? Crossword puzzles? Maybe a Jumble?

Au Contraire!

We're starting an advice column instead.

Yes, we are full of helpful advice these days.
Having relationship problems? Financial Issues? Family Dysfunction? Does no one love you?

We can help!

Below are just a few samples of what we can do!

Dear L:
My boyfriend cheated on me with my best friend, but he says he won't do it again and wants me back. Can I trust him again? Should I take him back?
-- Perplexed in Pennsylvania

Dear Perplexed:
Are you insane? Never never never never never never take him back. Although you could hire some thugs to handle this one, please remember that forgiveness is the true ideal.
So, after you've run him over with your car a few times, send him a nice Get Well Soon card.
Hugs and kisses!

Dear L:
I have a problem with compulsive shopping, so I always seem to be short of money, and my credit cards have all been maxed out. I'm not sure how to solve the problem-- what should I do?
--Broke in Boston

Dear Broke:
Wow, you are really irresponsible, aren't you? I recommend that you stop shopping. If you are really broke, buy a few lottery tickets and hope for the best.
Hugs and Kisses!

Dear L:
I've been with my girlfriend for five years, but she seems to be commitment-phobic. Not only that, but she lies, sleeps all day, and shoplifts constantly. I love her, and I know I can change her, if I only knew how. Is therapy the answer?
-- Wondering in Washington

Dear Wondering:
Snap out of it, Wonder-boy! Therapy is not the answer! But dumping her and taking a two week trip to Las Vegas just might be.
Hugs and Kisses!

Dear L:
My husband really wants me to get breast implants and threatens to divorce me if I don't. I really love him, but I want him to love me just the way I am. What should I do?
-- Upset in Utah

Dear Upset:
Agree to the breast enhancements, but tell him you won't get them unless he agrees to butt implants first. Once he gets them, laugh maniacally, get a divorce, and start dating the pool boy.
Hugs and Kisses!


And there's much more where that came from!


Blogger Tom Harper said...

Dear L: I have a dysfunctional president who's getting more inept and more dictatorial every day. What can I do about him?

2:20 PM  
Blogger glomgold said...

Ok, butt implants. Check. What's next?
I am very eager to hear your solution to Mr. Harper's question.

And by the way, just seeing Tesla's name in your title has made me giddy for the day!

12:26 PM  
Blogger L said...

Dear Tom,
All we can do is cry or protest or convert to Canadianism
Hugs and Kisses!

Glomgold: seeing it in the title makes me giddy also :)

4:54 PM  

Post a Comment

<< Home