Monday, October 10, 2005

Black Is the New Black: A Report On Fall Fashion!

Fashion today is much more about trends than it is about individual style, and we here at Random_Speak are showcasing the best of what fall has to offer-- from the blackest colors to the most dangerously pointy and expensive shoes. Our mission: to mix and match, creating looks that conform to what every wealthy twelve year old cokehead is wearing today!

Dresses and Suits:

Feminine is very in for fall, and there's no better way to express your demure helplessness, premenstrual irritability and raw animal sexiness than a little black dress with incredibly high stilettos. You'll have plenty to choose from-- everything from teensy tiny little black cocktail dresses and anorexically black evening gowns to microscopic black miniskirts with thigh-high black boots and blacker-than-black corset-styles with transparent blouses. Think Karen Carpenter meets Frederick's of Hollywood, and you can't go wrong.
How to wear them:
With their rich black color and feminine details, this season's dresses and suits still need some help from accessories. Make sure to purchase only the most extravagant ensembles and match absolutely everything, or you will be unfashionable and no one will like you. Trend-setting details this year include exotic mink-lined hot pants, pink rhinestone capelets and imported Nepalese yak hair-- lovingly hand-stitched by little French nuns to create only the very best handbags for fall.


Hats are very big this season-- and sexier than ever! The very best of this season's millinery fashions will reference the past, including many fabulous vintage details such as feathers and bows and simply enormous fruit.
How to wear them:
A charming smile is always de rigueur-- But if you want to make a statement, the bigger the hat the better, we always say. Slip your coiffure into the lovely little number below, and you'll be the best-dressed belle of the ball, regardless of what else you're wearing.

Shoes and Jewelry:

Incredibly costly and sexy stilettos are also very in, with sturdier heels and rounder toes standing out as the hallmarks of only the poorest and most unfashionable persons this fall. Also make sure to invest in an exotic animal-skin thigh-high boot to wear with both skirts and the tiniest of terrifically low-cut dresses. Incredibly gaudy jewelry is making a comeback this fall, with terribly extravagent headdresses and loads of pearls making an appearance on the runways.
How to wear them:
There is no "it" necklace or tiara this season -- with so many beautiful options, who can pick just one? Banish the boring tennis bracelet and layer those necklaces! There's something undeniably sexy and helplessly feminine about a woman struggling to move while wearing ten pounds of amazingly expensive diamonds and pearls.

Men's Fall Fashion:
Shirts and pants will continue to be very "in" for men.
How to wear them:
Men will continue to use the "smell test" when pulling clothing off the floor before wearing.


Anonymous Professor Twain said...

You have no idea how relieved I am to learn that my usual fashions remain in style. I was afraid that I would learn that I would have to purchase knickers, speedos, suspenders, or lederhosen (after all, it is time for Oktoberfest).

I think that I will try my hand at photoshopping some of these wonderful outfits onto your lovely photo. Did you see my extravagant comments on your Egyptian photo?
Do you have any objection to me posting my photoshopped masterpieces of you on my page?

11:42 PM  
Blogger Larry Jones said...

I actually laughed out loud. How many times have we heard "...this year it's all about..." only to discover that it's all about the same thing it was all about last year, and next year will no doubt be more of the same? Thanks for this utterly charming sendup.

As for shirts and pants being "in" for the guys, you neglect to mention that it's literally the very same shirts and pants that were "in" ten years ago.

12:51 AM  
Blogger Mariana said...

I'm betting on the Carmen Miranda hat, and anticipating pretty soon the rest of her outfit will also be in vogue.

5:47 AM  
Blogger L said...

Professor: just nothing too porn-y please

larry: guys have it made

mariana: let's hope so!

6:44 PM  
Anonymous Comfort Addict said...

My wife jokes that, on weekends, I use the "man on a galloping horse" test; if a man on a galloping horse can see that the pants are dirty, I don't wear them. After all, I do have an image to maintain.

10:17 PM  
Anonymous Lisa said...

Well, I guess my personal style is all the rage this season...for men. :)

10:17 PM  
Anonymous Carol said...

Thank goodness I read your post before going clothes shopping this fall :)

10:17 PM  
Anonymous NPR Junkie said...

Oh, how true, how true! I have a feeling some un-random-speak educated reader will stumble across this post and take it quite seriously.

Oh, joy.

10:17 PM  
Anonymous Chickie said...

Agh, the "smell test". I've actually seen this performed.

10:17 PM  
Anonymous jpr said...

CRAP! I had no idea that pants were the in thing. Its no wonder all those people in the mall were looking at me funny....I was completely out of fashion.

10:17 PM  
Anonymous Brenda Love said...

I want that big fruit basket hat.

10:18 PM  
Anonymous Rhodent said...

Most charming, as usual.... By the way, your blood type is A+ ... just so you know!

10:18 PM  
Anonymous Vile File said...

Thanks, L! Nice to know I can wear my leopard-skin thigh-high boots again, without looking foolish.

10:18 PM  
Anonymous Green Eyed Lady said...

Oh, L, I adore your wit.Your entire "dresses & suits" paragraph is soooo clever....the "smell test" LOL

10:18 PM  
Blogger L said...

comfort addict: sounds perfectly reasonable to me

Lisa: not that there's anything wrong with that

Carol: I know! what if you hadn't consulted this first? you might have accidentally purchased something unfashionable!

NPR Junkie: one can only hope

Chickie: as have I

jpr: are you wearing kilts AGAIN this season? You know that is SO last year!

Brenda: you'll have to fight me for it, I'm afraid

Rhodent: wow, I never knew that

Ms. Vile: I have the feeling that you are always in style no matter what you wear....

Green-eyed lady: thank you

10:18 PM  
Anonymous r* said...

How terrible would it be if some (read: many) of these things were actually legitimately part of my wardrobe? Only, like, without the sarcasm?

10:18 PM  
Blogger L said...

r*: not so terrible, really-- I have some too :)

10:19 PM  
Anonymous happy and blue said...

I am one of those un-random-speak educated readers. After stumbling across this post I decided to take it quite seriously.
Unfortunately womens fashions where I live currently involve parkas and wollen mittens with large skidoo boots..

10:19 PM  
Anonymous glomgold said...

Shame on you, L!
I was under the mistaken impression that your fashion tips were unisex. So I went out and got me some black miniskirts (yes, the pricier premenstrual cut) only to return and see at the bottom of your post that men are supposed to be wearing pants!!!
Can these be converted to skorts?

10:19 PM  
Blogger L said...

Happy&Blue: they may be better off :)

glomgold: I bet you look hot!

10:19 PM  
Anonymous mark said...

whew, I was afraid I was going to have to buy a big hat.

10:19 PM  
Blogger L said...

mark: no, you can just get away with the "smell test", you lucky thing, you!

10:19 PM  
Blogger Rani Ma said...

I hope you continue to have a great time, my fine friend. You look so happy! It must be awesome!

party dresses
mini dress
nightclub clothes

1:23 AM  
Blogger Ajay Kumar said...

Such a gorgeous outfit ! I especially love the Dresess, A great location for a shoot!

juniors clothing
cocktail dress
sexy top

12:28 PM  

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