Black Is the New Black: A Report On Fall Fashion!

Fashion today is much more about trends than it is about individual style, and we here at Random_Speak are showcasing the best of what fall has to offer-- from the blackest colors to the most dangerously pointy and expensive shoes. Our mission: to mix and match, creating looks that conform to what every wealthy twelve year old cokehead is wearing today!


Dresses and Suits:
Feminine is very in for fall, and there's no better way to express your demure helplessness, premenstrual irritability and raw animal sexiness than a little black dress with incredibly high stilettos. You'll have plenty to choose from-- everything from teensy tiny little black cocktail dresses and anorexically black evening gowns to microscopic black miniskirts with thigh-high black boots and blacker-than-black corset-styles with transparent blouses. Think Karen Carpenter meets Frederick's of Hollywood, and you can't go wrong.
How to wear them:
With their rich black color and feminine details, this season's dresses and suits still need some help from accessories. Make sure to purchase only the most extravagant ensembles and match absolutely everything, or you will be unfashionable and no one will like you. Trend-setting details this year include exotic mink-lined hot pants, pink rhinestone capelets and imported Nepalese yak hair-- lovingly hand-stitched by little French nuns to create only the very best handbags for fall.


Hats:
Hats are very big this season-- and sexier than ever! The very best of this season's millinery fashions will reference the past, including many fabulous vintage details such as feathers and bows and simply enormous fruit.
How to wear them:
A charming smile is always de rigueur-- But if you want to make a statement, the bigger the hat the better, we always say. Slip your coiffure into the lovely little number below, and you'll be the best-dressed belle of the ball, regardless of what else you're wearing.


Shoes and Jewelry:
Incredibly costly and sexy stilettos are also very in, with sturdier heels and rounder toes standing out as the hallmarks of only the poorest and most unfashionable persons this fall. Also make sure to invest in an exotic animal-skin thigh-high boot to wear with both skirts and the tiniest of terrifically low-cut dresses. Incredibly gaudy jewelry is making a comeback this fall, with terribly extravagent headdresses and loads of pearls making an appearance on the runways.
How to wear them:
There is no "it" necklace or tiara this season -- with so many beautiful options, who can pick just one? Banish the boring tennis bracelet and layer those necklaces! There's something undeniably sexy and helplessly feminine about a woman struggling to move while wearing ten pounds of amazingly expensive diamonds and pearls.




Men's Fall Fashion:
Shirts and pants will continue to be very "in" for men.
How to wear them:
Men will continue to use the "smell test" when pulling clothing off the floor before wearing.