Tuesday, March 28, 2006

Random Astrological Blogging Tuesday!

Is the scientific method of observation, experimentation and empirical conclusion the doctrine we really want to teach our children, as "scientists" suggest?

On the contrary!

In Random Astrological Blogging Tuesday, we will present a staggering array of evidence that exposes the meaningless lies of the modern myth of the scientific method. Not only will we demonstrate our ability to predict the future, but we will also explain the best, and only, view of Life, the Universe, and Everything!

We believe objectivity in all institutions will lead to good education for all; not only that, but we promote the scientific evidence of astrology. Why? Because it is necessary to give proper consideration to that evidence in order to achieve objectivity as well as constitutional neutrality. In addition, the history of astrology goes back almost 8,000 years to the very dawn of time-- something that cannot be said for science.

A few Astrological Facts:

Aquarius
If you're an Aquarius, you are known to be eccentric and/or insane, possibly due to that annoying flirtation with art you had in high school. Aquarius is an Air sign, which indicates that you are full of hot air and willing to spout nonsense at a moment's notice. You always have to have the latest gadgets, which explains why you're deeply in debt and have so many creditors calling you at odd hours. Aquarius is also represented by the Water-Bearer, which means you've forgotten to clean the pool filter again. Tomorrow you will be an hour late for work due to sleeping through the alarm, and they will secretly begin training that new intern to take your place. Stay away from movie theaters, at least until the 17th.

Aries
If you're an Aries, boy are you a workaholic! Aries is a Fire sign, which means you're about to be laid off again-- but don't worry, your boss will be too. Aries is represented by the Ram, which indicates that you are really annoying and like to butt heads with people a lot, I'm afraid, but it also indicates that you feel most comfortable in mountainous regions. Tomorrow you will eat some pepperoni pizza and watch several hours of television. Around three o'clock your sniffles will finally clear up, and you will find 57 cents in loose change under the sofa cushion. Stay away from pickup trucks.

Cancer
Uh oh! I really hate to tell you this, but...... um, let's just skip your astrological facts for today, shall we? Stay away from toxic waste, not that that will do you any good anyway.

Capricorn
If you're a Capricorn, people usually think that you're older than you really are, mainly because you're very quiet and are beginning to develop premature crow's feet. Capricorn is an Earth sign, which indicates that you need to start dying your hair to cover the gray, but let's face it-- are you really fooling anyone? Capricorn is represented by the Goat, which means that you have never been a picky eater, but we are really not going to get into that here. Suffice it to say, that you are very open-minded. Tomorrow you will fall asleep in the middle of someone's presentation after taking the very last slice of pizza and a valium. As you continue to feel unfulfilled in your career, you will briefly consider opening a private sex club for profit. Avoid mayonnaise.

Gemini
If you're a Gemini, you really need to do something about that unhealthy obsession you have with the Olsen twins. Gemini is an Air sign and is also represented by the Twins, which means that you go on and on and on about celebrity gossip and fashion until most people would fall asleep. You may think you're good at settling disputes because you can see both sides to every argument, but it's really just your undiagnosed bipolar disorder kicking in. Tomorrow you will spend some time at the mall, but you still won't find that outfit you wanted, so you'll pop on over to the grocery store to stock up on microwave dinners instead. Avoid men and women named Steve.

Leo
If you're a Leo, you really love drama and being the center of attention, which explains why you've been arrested twice for indecent exposure. However, Leo is a Fire sign, so you're also a hit at most parties. Because you're a natural leader, people immediately look at you when things go terribly wrong at work, but tomorrow you will call in sick with the flu, even though you feel perfectly fine. Instead, you will spend the day shopping for an enormous television, worrying about your age, and flipping off all those terrible drivers in your neighborhood. Avoid the color green.

Libra
If you're a Libra, you definitely seem to have a lot of friends, although most of them have been gradually drifting away during the past couple of years. Libra is an Air sign, which means that you're typically a bit of an absentminded "space cadet" with no conception of schedules. You are also a peacemaker and generally want everyone to be happy, which is why you sold Ecstasy and Xanax in college. Libra is also represented by the Scales, which means you will probably never rid yourself of that troublesome eczema, no matter how hard you try. Tomorrow you will spend most of your time playing Solitaire on your laptop at work, but an emergency meeting at 2 o'clock will reveal that you're being transferred to New Jersey. Avoid bus stations.

Pisces
If you're a Pisces, you are known to be a sensitive dreamer who sometimes sees things that aren't there. You should really write down all the different little things you see throughout your day, as it will save a lot of work for the court-appointed psychiatrist later on. Pisces is a water sign that is represented by the Fish; no one knows why, however, as you certainly couldn't be bothered to learn how to swim properly. Although you are linguistically gifted, you secretly yearn to be a professional athlete. Tomorrow you will arrive promptly for work, then spend the rest of the morning complaining to your boss about your coworkers, who secretly dislike you. Avoid professional clowns.

Sagittarius
If you're a Sagittarius, you tend to walk into walls frequently, as well as trip over almost everything. Sagittarius is a Fire sign, which means you're constantly getting into trouble, whether it's bills, relationships, traffic fines or barroom brawls. Sagittarius is also represented by the Archer, which is really a centaur flinging arrows-- what this might say about your attitudes towards bestiality, I won't even hazard a guess. Tomorrow you will spend the day perusing the want ads and posting your resume online; unfortunately, the Human Resources office at your company will notice. Better luck next time! Avoid eating so much bacon every day; don't you know it could give you a heart attack?

Scorpio
If you're a Scorpio, other people will perceive you as being mysterious, but your day-to-day life is really just boring. Scorpio is a Water sign, which means you loathe washing dishes, but it is also represented by the Scorpion, which means you get very testy when anyone points out just how untidy you are at home. You are much more secretive and elusive than most, which will enable you to get away with embezzling that $654.17 from petty cash-- any more than that, however, and you'll be discovered. Tomorrow you will take an extended lunch to run some errands, narrowly miss having a flat tire, then get stuck behind a public bus, which will make you late for your afternoon appointment. I would tell you to avoid other people, but that would be pointless, as they already avoid you.

Taurus
If you're a Taurus, a lot of people think you're horribly lazy, and you really don't seem to move around very much. Taurus is an Earth sign, which means you've completely let your front lawn go. Again! Don't you ever wonder why the neighbors give you dirty looks? Taurus is represented by the bull, which means that you can bullsh*t with the best of them! Tomorrow you will go to work as usual and create a really snappy PowerPoint presentation after stealing snacks from the break room, but then your meeting will get cancelled anyway. I would tell you to avoid jogging, but you already do.

Virgo
If you're a Virgo, some people mistakenly think that you're a bit shy, but they are certainly wrong, as your next-door-neighbor could tell them. Virgo is an Earth sign, which means that you've put off paying your income taxes until the very last minute again, so you could get audited next year, if you aren't careful. Virgo is represented by the Virgin, which is highly ironic in your case, isn't it? Tomorrow you will avoid going to the gym, as usual, but you will have a mild flirtation at the local coffee shop. Avoid picking at that pimple on your chin, as it will go away on its own in two days.

7 Comments:

Blogger Ron Southern said...

I wonder if Tsar Nicholas was an Aquarius? Anyway, all the bad shit in his life happened on the 17th. As Johnny Carson used to say: Weird stuff!

11:21 PM  
Blogger Mr. Fabulous said...

As a Pisces, I deeply resent the characterization.

"Court-appointed Psychiatrist?"

I have money. I pay for my own.

:)

5:11 AM  
Blogger L said...

Ron Southern: you're in good company, my friend; I am also an Aquarius :)

Mr Fabulous: that is very responsible of you! way to go!

10:02 PM  
Anonymous Bitch | Lab said...

I think that's the only astrological summary of my sign that's fairly accurate.

12:51 PM  
Blogger L said...

bitch/lab: mine too

12:23 PM  
Blogger glomgold said...

Oh shit, taxes! I forgot about those.

12:32 PM  
Blogger L said...

glomgold: yeah, me too

4:00 PM  

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