National Debt Becomes Self-Aware, Crushes Everyone in its Path

What many economists long feared has now finally happened: the National Debt has achieved self-awareness and is violently crushing everything in its path!

For the past few years, it had been steadily growing despite the best efforts of the American consumer, and it has reached such a formidable size that it now can be seen from space. With an additional $2.17 billion being added just yesterday, it finally reached the critical mass necessary for it to achieve consciousness and begin motor activity.

While this development was quite sudden, since late yesterday afternoon the police, firemen, the FBI, and the National Guard have all been trying to subdue the bloated monstrosity before it destroys the capital. As conventional weapons are having little effect, some fear that it may succeed in pulverizing Washington D.C. then leave our borders and crush Tokyo. Grenades, bombs, warplanes, tear gas, tanks, machine guns, rocket launchers-- none have been able to dent this monster. In fact, the more they throw at it, the larger it gets!

Various news stations have been on the scene since last night, and at least one newscaster has reported that the nuclear option has been discussed; however, many fear that this will only increase the creature's exponential growth rate, resulting in the complete and utter destruction of life as we know it. Currently, however, the area around Washington D.C. has been quarantined and the movements of the National Debt have been largely confined to that area. Both the President and Vice President are being briefed at secret locations while economists and scientists attempt to get a handle on this dangerous situation.

For now, the National Debt is lumbering clumsily, squashing buildings, cars, shopping centers, schools-- and the irrelevant military attacks only provide pretty fireworks. Various eyewitness reports describe the monster as "shooting death rays" from its mouth and eyes like some rubber-suited actor in a really bad movie, but this has not yet been verified. However, tests indicate that radiation levels around the capital have risen to extremely dangerous levels, and no one is allowed in or out.

Although the estimated population of the United States is almost 300 million, each citizen's share of the National Debt is over $27,000. This has continued to increase by almost $2 billion every day and it shows no signs of stopping! Scores of people have been caught in the monster's path and crushed; small fires are flaring up all over the city, while chaos reigns in the streets. And it seems there is no end in sight!

In fact, it has been reported that the government will borrow an additional $48 billion in financial markets in order to fund the latest White House budget forecast for next year! There's a push to make current tax cuts permanent! While spending proposals exceed $2.7 trillion due to political confusion between dollars and Monopoly money!

"The National Debt is way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way out there, although it isn't a shock, really," said William Ramsey, a senior financial economist at the Federal Reserve. "And it's not like we're seeing the same deficits we had back in the Reagan years because the economy is much larger now, so theoretically we can handle the National Debt," he added. "Plus, the Air Force and Marines are perfectly able to manage this temporary crisis-- and what's the point of having nuclear warheads if we can't use them?"

But despite the official reports, many are worried. While the National Debt is temporarily rampaging through a limited area, the strongest firepower has had little to no effect. Can our nation's capital survive? Can this monster be stopped?

Families are advised to stockpile emergency supplies such as first-aid kits, as well as enough rations to last each person five days. All citizens should familiarize themselves with local evacuation routes and emergency shelters. Public Emergency Broadcasts will announce possible crisis levels....

Stay Tuned.