Wednesday, February 22, 2006

This post is brought to you by the letters "L", "A", "Z" and "Y"

I still love my marvelous new hair-do.

So,

in avoidance of useful activities, I've been rummaging through some vintage magazines I purchased recently-- and I've noticed that they're chock full of excellent beauty advice that I thought I should share!

*************************************************************************

How does one keep Youthful and Attractive? Why, with the new patented Bile Beans, "Nature's Aid". Of course, we're far too delicate to tell you how our new, patented Bile Beans actually work, but trust us-- they're medically tested! If you can't keep Youthful and Attractive, then you are a loser!



Only the most Fashionable will be "in the know" with our neck and face-saving Beauty Boards! They relax, beautify, and stimulate the circulation! At least until you pass out from all the blood rushing to your head. But everyone knows that fainting is sexy.



Of course, the patented Bile Beans and Beauty Board sometimes aren't enough to fix those "troublesome areas", such as the head and face. For those times when standard beauty aids aren't doing the job, try the adjustable Chin Band. Not only is it adjustable, but it can be used while knitting! After all, "Beauty is as Beauty does". And, for those times when you want to cover horrid blemishes, you can also try our patented Hollywood Wings! Just stick 'em on your face and everyone will be staring so hard they won't even notice the acne.



Of course, even our adjustable Chin Strap would be useless without our secret facial lotion. After all, why let "scarf skin" ruin your day? Just purchase our new product, and your skin will no longer be hanging over your collar like an unwanted accessory. Don't forget, you look like a total hag, so you need our product Right Away!



And don't forget our products for men!

5 Comments:

Anonymous Professor Twain said...

Lainey, your "lazy" blogs surpass most of the blogs and columns that are done by people who are allegedly full time professionals.

I suggest that you send your resume and sample columns to "The Onion" and begin to receive some of the pay and recognition that you deserve.

What will people think about the advertisements we are accustomed to seeing every day from the vantage point of 50 years in the future?

9:14 AM  
Blogger roselle said...

what, pray tell, are vintage magazines, per se?

1:45 PM  
Blogger L said...

My Dear Professor: thank you! I think the Onion is marvelous, so I consider that to be a lovely compliment :) (I also think that future generations will giggle insanely at OUR ads)

atractiva: old Vogues and Harper's Bazaar magazines from the 40s, 50s and 60s, as well as old pinup/girlie magazines from the 40s and 50s. I find the funniest things in them

11:14 PM  
Blogger Weary Hag said...

These are marvelous!

A friend of mine has created a Retro-forum online. I have a feeling you might really enjoy a peek at this. It would be great to see you contribute as well. Here's the URL if you're interested... and no, I'm not trying to spam you, I just thought of you instantly when I first visited my friends' site.

http://retrorevival.com

I really enjoyed this particular post. I know it's been a long while since my last visit (I'll say three Hail Marys) but sure as rain, you're still able to bring a broad smile to my face!

4:43 PM  
Blogger L said...

Weary Hag: that Retro Revival site is so cute!

12:23 PM  

Post a Comment

<< Home