Thursday, February 16, 2006

The Winter Olympics: A Review

I've been checking out the Winter Olympics, and I must say that I'm a bit disappointed.

Oh sure, there are plenty of wipe-outs and "carnage" with snow boarding-- but doesn't it all seem... just a bit tame these days? I thought about the whole thing and decided that both the Winter and Summer Games need a makeover-- And I'm willing to make a few suggestions to liven things up a little.

Helpful Suggestions

1.) Go traditional and make everyone compete in the nude. If it was good enough for the ancient Greeks, it's good enough for us.

2.) Or, better yet-- bring back the ancient sport of the Incas: a deadly form of very primitive basketball. The object of the game was to shoot a solid rubber ball through a stone ring placed high on a wall. Winners were awarded the clothing of all spectators present; losers were executed.

3.) Go one step further with the ice skating and make it a drag show on ice. Give extra points for catfights and elaborate hair.

4.) Add competitive jello-wrestling with Chippendale Dancers and Playboy Bunnies. Everyone wins!

5.) I cannot believe that no one has thought of this before: amateur car races and/or school bus figure-eights! These are totally the best! You get car parts flying everywhere, cars catching on fire, fistfights, mullets.... what's not to love?

6.) Include hardcore competitive martial arts with real weapons. Professional ninjas automatically get gold medals, just because they look cool.

7.) Recruit people from the Jim Rose Circus Sideshow and see who can do the freakiest stunts

8.) One phrase: jet-propelled dune buggies

9.) Replace the traditional archery with competitive machine-gunning and rocket launching. These sports would actually require a much greater skill and dexterity to hit targets, and they would really make things so much more up-to-date

10.) Add underwater alligator wrestling for the truly adventurous


Anonymous Professor Twain said...

Excellent suggestions all!

I think that you should get in training for the jello wrestling competition. I am sending you directions to the Las Vegas training camp for this activity--the Frontier Casino. (Note that they use mud, and require bikinis, but this is analagous to sprinters training by running in the sand).

3:21 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You're a nut! I love these suggestions! I would actually watch THOSE Olympics. - Brian V.

7:13 PM  
Blogger L said...

My Dear Professor: I knew that one would be your favorite suggestion :)

Brian: I think EVERYONE would want to watch those Olympics!

4:37 PM  

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