Thursday, November 03, 2005

Only 58 Shopping Days Left Until Christmas!

Today, leading economists reported that the American Consumer leads the world in spending like a crazed loon strengthening the economy.

"When inflation goes up, the American Consumer buys ultra deluxe and enormously plasmatic high-definition televisions. When unemployment reaches an all-time high, the American Consumer buys the latest sports utility vehicles with luxury spinning rims and shiny chrome", stated Dr. William Roth of the Institute of Concerned-Looking Economists. "Quite frankly, we're amazed!"

According to his recent report, the American Consumer will just keep spending and spending, with no end in sight. "We're already four months into the Christmas shopping season, so it's remarkable how we can just keep buying ceramic mermaid salt and pepper shakers, ipods, motorcycles, Jessica Simpson cds, collectible spoons, golf clubs, Louis Vuitton handbags and the Harry Potter books," he said. "In fact, the data suggests that consumer confidence and spending will only continue to grow exponentially as we get even closer to the holidays!"

A predicted reluctance to buy big-ticket items, fears of job loss, gasoline prices, inflation and the lack of further reductions in interest rates did not dampen consumer confidence at all, according to the report. "The Federal Reserve previously lowered interest rates and the American Consumer saw this as a good time to make purchases --even though consumer debt is at an all-time high," stated Roth. "In fact, the American Consumer owes more than could ever possibly be repaid in one lifetime! But this can only strengthen the economy!" he added.

The income of the American Consumer decreased by 3.1 per cent in October, boosted mainly by high medical insurance payments. "This plunge in growth and income, as well as the lack of savings, had absolutely no effect on spending habits" added Deborah James, chief economist at "There's absolutely no stopping it!" she said. "There will continue to be more and more spending, as well as a huge increase in credit card debt and a decrease in savings. Isn't this the best country in the whole world?!"

Economists expect that nothing will stop consumer spending this year, even as the federal deficit continues to grow exponentially. "We expect that the deficit will soon become self-aware and begin crushing everyone in its path," Roth said, "but that should only add to fourth quarter profits in the technology sector! Consumer confidence in laser guns and invisible stealth tanks is at an all-time high!"

In other news, the Labor Department also reported that the number of unemployed fell slightly after Hurricanes Katrina and Wilma, proving that the labor market is in a really terrific mood.

When reached for comment, Federal Reserve Board chairman, Alan Greenspan, stated "Nothing can stop the economy!!! Buy shoes and television sets! Buy hats! Buy a pony!"


Anonymous Professor Twain said...

Dearest L,
Your breadth is astonishing. You pillory economists with ease, recommend obscure and delightful novels, and are knowlegable about fashion and art. Your satire is better than Borowitz. Your beauty is legendary.
If you can cook then you are the perfect woman.
Your greatest fan,
The Gentleman Professor

5:45 PM  
Anonymous joe positive said...

did you know there was a pug in that picture? cool!

10:14 AM  
Blogger glomgold said...

I am definitely getting that laser gun. My plan is to pay with credit card, carry as much debt as possible, get myself killed (possibly by misusing my laser gun) and then sticking my relatives with the financial burden. Tell me this is not a rock-solid plan!

6:50 PM  
Blogger L said...

professor: thank you (and I am an excellent cook)

joe positive: I never noticed until now-- they are cute

glomgold: that is WAY rock-solid!

10:35 AM  
Anonymous rainypete said...

Well of course American consumers will buy their plasmatic televisions in this curent situation. What else will they watch when reampant inflation gobbles up their jobs and leaves them with an excess of time on their hands?

11:00 PM  
Anonymous Brenda Love said...

I've gotten my spending habits in a lot better control. It suddenly hit me...."how much stuff do you REALLY need?"

11:01 PM  
Anonymous jpr said...

Didn't Alan Greenspan retire? Its too bad really...everybody should have a pony.

11:01 PM  
Anonymous none said...

Ah, I have heard of this disease you speak of. Its been called Affluenza:

I think its a combination of stupidity, greed, and people trying to fill the emptyness in their boring, corporate-run lives with anything they can put on a credit card. Or maybe its just "monkey see, monkey want".
Of course, all the crap the consumerists buy is made from raw materials taken from nature in one form or another, and its causing a mass extinction, but lets all have kids and make the problem (not to mention the traffic) worse. Oh drat, that sounded angry, didnt it..

11:01 PM  
Anonymous comfort addict said...

As usual, L, thanks for the good laugh.

I'm not an economist but I do dabble in economics. I agree that the level of personal debt in the American economy is too high. By the way, since a lot of the stuff bought is not produced here, this debt fuels the trade deficit. This means that we are borrowing money from foreign investors.

Borrowing, whether as an individual or as a nation, can be OK if you're doing it for a good reason (such as the United States when it built the railroads in the 19th century or a person taking out student loans to go to college) or horrible if you're doing it for a bad reason. The thing that scares me about our debt, public and private, is that so much of it is bad borrowing.

I'm sorry that I got on my soap box. We now return to our regularly scheduled fatigue.

11:01 PM  
Anonymous mariana said...

It's the same thing over here in Portugal. The thing that's most bizarre is that people will borrow money from the bank, and when they realize that they can't pay the loan they will borrow money from another bank to pay that loan, and so on and so forth -- instead of re-negotiating their first loan with the bank. It's insane!

11:01 PM  
Anonymous Lisa said...

58 more shopping days!!!?
(sound of my running feet out the door to go Christmas shopping)

Seriously though, for a split second I was almost concerned. But then, my shopping is mostly controlled by my lack of credit cards and then, in turn, the realization that I don't have any money.

11:01 PM  
Anonymous Rhodent said...

Are you referring to me? I realy did need my new SUV WITH the chrome package and of course the evernecessary pin striping! My Christmas shopping is quite under control... I am nearly done! No one can celebrate Christmas without extravagant spending! That's why I have hit some super sales and got some key buys at Ross for Less... highly esteemed
store that it is. I am sorry to say that the only thing I can still afford
is a few purchases at Borders. Sign.

11:02 PM  
Anonymous happy and blue said...

I'm not going to strengthen the economy any more until last years Christmas is paid for..

11:02 PM  
Anonymous mark said...

The Ghost of Christmas Past Debt and the Ghost of Christmas Present Debt are in fear of the Ghost of Christmas Future, so it's all good. Got to go and see what creative Christmas crap calls crooningly to my current credit card...

11:02 PM  
Anonymous weary hag said...

I don't worry too much about overspending for Christmas. I just make sure to pick fights with everyone till the holidays are over. Saves a ton.

As to overspending the rest of the year? Not really a problem for me. I'm usually so poor I can barely afford to pay attention.

11:02 PM  
Anonymous vile file said...


That's my Christmas wish list written.

11:02 PM  
Blogger L said...

rainypete: I'm just waiting for the moment when Americans can just PLUG themselves into their televisions

Brenda: a whole lot! heh heh

jpr: oh yeah, I think he did. drat. and you're correct, everyone should have a pony

none: "affluenza"-- I like it

comfort addict: we don't mind soapboxes here, especially if they're amusing

Mariana: I think that happens here too

Lisa: you are lucky

rhodent: you are indeed a savvy shopper

Happy&Blue: that has a ring of truth, methinks

mark: it's so easy to get suckered in, isn't it?

Weary Hag: gee, maybe MY family could follow that tack

Ms. Vile: come to think of it, it's mine too!

11:02 PM  

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