Wednesday, December 21, 2005

Merry Christmas and Happy Hanukkah

I will be offline for a couple of days -- wrapping, baking, spending time with family and drinking hot cocoa.

I hope everyone is enjoying the season

Stop the War on Christmas!

Well, this has been quite the exciting week, I must say.

You wouldn't believe the amount of Valium I've had to take to calm myself down!


I've been reading all about the War on Christmas, which threatens all Americans today!

We should all recognize that it isn't enough when stores begin playing Christmas carols the day after Halloween. It isn't enough when they display aisle after aisle of gold lamé angel tree-toppers, red and green wrapping paper, porcelain keepsake ornaments, and plastic elf figurines for months on end. The gigantic inflatable outdoor decorations that dominate the suburbs? Not big enough! The artificial green and white Christmas trees with lights included? Not dazzling enough! The twenty-four hour a day radio carol marathons? Not long enough! The glitter pom-pom reindeer sweaters on sale for $14.99? Not fluffy enough!

In fact, the celebrations have been so damaged by liberals that the holiday may disappear completely!

Have we forgotten that Christmas should be celebrated the entire year? That the mall is indeed a most Holy shrine to our Lord and Saviour? That Jesus will hate you if you take your lights down? That without vast amounts of credit debt you will be accursed?

Save Our Holiday!

1. Say "Merry Christmas" to everyone all throughout the year, even if it's July.

2. If anyone dares to say "Happy Holidays", bonk them on the head with your Bible! After all, those Jewish people don't spend as much as WE do!

3. Remind everyone that Christmas is no longer a pagan holiday! If they laugh, remind them of possible hellfire, damnation and smiting!

4. Remember that the Christmas shopping season should actually last all year-- not just the meagre four months that we currently have!

5. Encourage retailers to use more biblical verses in their advertisements. What better way to advertise than with inspiring quotes such as the following?
"From there Elisha went up to Bethel. As he was walking along the road some youths came out of the town and jeered at him. "Go on up, you baldhead!" they said. "Go on up, you baldhead!" He turned around, and looked at them and called down a curse on them in the name of the Lord. Then two bears came out of the woods and mauled forty-two of the youths." (2 Kings 2:23-24) Yes, that's right. If you mock Christmas you will be mauled by bears.

So rush out there to save Christmas and Spend, Spend, Spend! Fight that little old lady for a shopping cart if you have to!

Just don't say "Happy Holidays"

Saturday, December 17, 2005

A Chilly Saturday, During Which We Set Out to Discover America

A friend and I decided that Saturday would be the Perfect day to explore the Oldsmar Flea market, where we might discover Unique and Unusual gifts for the discerning individual. Also, we wanted to see, as the Oldsmar Flea Market banner proudly proclaims: the flea market that is the "Mightiets in the South!"

And really, we cannot argue with that.

In fact, not only are they the Mightiets!, but they may also be the most Crowdde!, Clutterde!, and Noisiets! as well.

However, behind the humble facade lies a plethora of riches that were previously beyond my wildest imaginings. Not only did they have stuffed alligators and a genuine monkey-clown museum, but they also had banana-shaped harmonicas, hula hooping singing dolls, life-sized preserved buffalo, green frog backscratchers, decorative plastic lighthouses, collectible beanie babies (For Sale! Reduced Price!), highly dangerous-looking pistol crossbows being purchased by five year old criminals, seashell earrings, hunting knives, purple polyester sequined tube dresses, bright red cowboy boots, painted saw blades, sixties costume jewelry, survivalist gear, bizarre porno mags, adorable puppies and homely babies (not for sale!).

It was while I perused the collection of decorative glass bottles shaped like naked women and filled with multi-colored sand that I reached an Epiphany.

"Cynthia", I told my friend, "THIS is America! THIS is what America is all about! America is banana-shaped harmonicas and decorative dolphin toilet plungers! America is plastic dolls that hula hoop and sing 'I want you Baby'! It's funnel cakes, Hello Kitty nail clippers and papier-mache frogs wearing Santa hats! You just can't get this anywhere else!"

They finally had to calm me down with egg rolls, fortune cookies and french fries.

I found some rather interesting presents (which I can't describe yet, because people read my blog), as well as big poofy crinoline(!) and a magazine of classic Vargas pinups for myself.

Later, I wore an absolutely Enormous hat and trotted on over to my friend Stephany's hat party, ate many small cakes, discussed horror movies and tried to fend off highly offensive commentary from someone's father.

To-day I am eating gobs of peppermint ice cream.

Thursday, December 15, 2005

Thou Crusty Botch of Nature! Eat My Leek.

I am feeling rather Literary to-day.

As I am trying to be Nice for Santa, I thought that I would post something Educational, Edifying and Enlightening: my favorite quotes from Shakespeare!
(I can't help it that so many seem to be insults)

O illiterate loiterer!

Vile worm, thou wast o’erlook’d even in thy birth.

you starveling, you elf-skin, you dried neat’s-tongue, you bull’s pizzle, you
stock-fish! O! for breath to utter what is like thee; you tailor’s yard, you sheath, you
bow-case, you vile standing-tuck!

There’s no more faith in thee than in a stewed prune.

Thou sodden-witted lord! thou hast no more brain than I have in mine elbows.

Thou lump of foul deformity!

I never saw thy face but I think upon hell-fire.

Eat my leek.

Out of my sight! Thou dost infect my eyes.

I will smite his noddles.

'Tis such fools as you
That makes the world full of ill-favor'd children.

A dull and muddy-mettled rascal.

Thou crusty botch of nature!

This is the foul Flibbertigibbet.

I cannot endure such a fustian rascal.

Thou art unfit for any place but hell.

A wretched puling fool, a whining mammet!

Thou damned and luxurious mountain goat.

Let vultures gripe thy guts!

The plague of Greece upon thee, thou mongrel beef-witted lord!

That bottled spider, that foul bunch-back'd toad!

I do desire we may be better strangers.

Tuesday, December 13, 2005

Spreading Joy Wherever I Go....

As anyone who knows me can tell you, I spend my days spreading joy and wonder wherever I go-- and I don't always have to wear a red sparkly outfit with furry accessories to do it either.

They're just an added bonus.

To-day, in fact, I proudly helped make the world a better place:

1. I baked a somewhat delicious plum fruit bread for my team at work. And I deliberately did not eat the entire thing before sharing.

2. I showered.

3. I wrote a lovely lunch invitation to someone I haven't seen in a very long time and I remembered to send it.

4. I did not learn to play the accordion.

5. I did not run about shrieking and flinging pencils during meetings. I didn't pretend to faint when asked for an update, start fires when given agendas, or otherwise make a nuisance of myself.

6. I did not belch along to Christmas songs.

7. I refrained from eating twenty pixie stix and a six pack of Coca-Cola at work.

8. I followed all traffic laws and local, county and federal regulations at all times.

9. I didn't make fun of someone's new facial hair. Much.

10. I bought a crack-whore Barbie Bratz doll (her request) and some books for a girl in the adopt- a- needy- child- for- Christmas program

I am sure I will be rewarded handsomely by Santa for all these things, of course.

Has anyone else been as Nice as I've been?

Sunday, December 11, 2005


Can anything say "Happy Holidays" better than this?

Check out all the great photos in the Scared of Santa Gallery. I laughed so hard I snorted a candy cane out my nose!

This weekend, I've basically been boycotting the mall, Christmas carols, red and green fuzzy sweaters, outdoor lights.... basically everything but the hot cocoa.

Instead, the Tickgirl, Carlos the Puerto Rican with a Twist and I toddled on over to Covivant Gallery's 313 vs. 81s show, which featured work by artists in both Detroit (7teen, Kurt Frederiksen, and Anna Cangialosi) and Tampa (BASK, Diran Lyons, Josh Taylor, Ryan Prado). However, the chill seemed to have chased away much of the regular crowd, and many were AWOL.

So the three of us discussed man problems, the fact that many married men seem to fool around with other men, the complications dealing with men, why men are the way they are, sex, the good looking men we've seen, and men.

Afterwards the Tickgirl and I popped on over to the Blue Martini (she in slinky black dress and I in terribly sassy thigh high boots and British schoolgirl outfit). She, being leggy, immediately picked up the tallest man in the place (6'9"), and I chatted with his friend while they ogled each other. Discussion ranged from the difficulty of sending ice cream to Denmark, animation and kung fu movies to racism, wild clothing, and broken engagements.

To-day I am loitering irresponsibly and munching on fresh apricot bread that I just pulled out of the oven.

Also puttering around with a bit of collage work, but I can't scan the ones I've done so far, as they seem to have too many dangly bits.

signing off

Thursday, December 08, 2005

'Tis the Season...

As I am still a bit upset over the whole breakup situation, I am probably in even greater danger of going daintily berserk than ever before. After all, everyone's been playing Christmas music since the day after Halloween.

Between trying to stay perky and driving past enormous inflatable snowmen and lightup reindeer day after day after day after day, I am now so Jolly that I may jolly well do something drastic!

Outdoor Christmas decorations have become so over the top this year, that I seriously fear we shall soon see a shortage of glitter and vinyl. The sheer number of lights are now vying for top position on the list of contributors to global warming. Will this madness ever end?!!?

Uh... that being said, I've decided to compose a nice letter to Santa this year. I do feel that I deserve a little something special!

Dear Santa,

How are you? Lost any of that weight?

I haven't killed anyone yet I am fine.

Although I may have been rather naughty, I am quite sure that you can look the other way this year. Everyone says that I have been Terribly Good ALL year. I have been trying very, very hard. In fact, every day, I deliberately do NOT run over this really, really annoying person in the parking lot. I always say "please" and "thank you", and I hardly ever tell anyone to "fuck off!" try my very best to be a Good Citizen at all times. What I really want most for Christmas is millions and millions of dollars World Peace. If you can't bring me that, I would like this sort of musical instrument I saw in the shop window the other day. It's long and straight, and it's called a pico-something... pico.. picol... uh... gigolo. Yeah. Can you get me one of those if it isn't too much trouble?

Some additional
Loot things I would like:
1. a pony
2. champagne
3. a new enormous hat
4. trained monkeys
5. an entourage
6. a luxury vacation to Aix-en-Provence
7. a personal masseuse
8. my very own petting zoo
9. a real tiara
10. mother-of-pearl opera glasses

I thought of some additional things, so I shall send you a convenient addendum later.

Hugs and Kisses!!!


Saturday, December 03, 2005

A Lovely Friday, During Which We Attend ART Basel and Get Lost in Miami

We have been having a marvelous time in Ft. Lauderdale and Miami, even though we became really, really lost and accidentally toured Miami's mentally ill crackhead dope dealer neighborhood before getting stuck in rush hour traffic for about five hours.

It was most Disconcerting.

However, ART Basel was fun and interesting. And "money". And exhausting. We may possibly return today.

Unfortunately, cameras were not allowed, and the Miami Beach Convention Center was swarming with security. So I was unable to lift any of the art and take it home with me. I saw a smallish sort of Chuck Close painting that would have looked nice in my foyer too.

Most of the art was by famous older and/or dead artists like Picasso, de Chirico, Rauschenberg, etc. There wasn't very much that was surprising, and young emerging artists were in the minority. However, I saw some nice "paste-up" pieces by JESS, as well as an interesting piece by Lari Pittman. I was a bit mystified by a large artwork composed entirely of Pokemon and PowerPuff girl stickers (!) that was being sold for $95,000. It was very fun, but I think I could have a LOT more fun than that for $95,000; think of all the candy and video games you could buy!

We roamed around picking out the things we liked the most, ate yummy poached salmon with champagne, and ogled the crowd, which was fashionable and contained random people like Todd Oldham.

After we got lost, we drove back to Ft. Lauderdale, baked two delicious apple pies and stayed up playing Scrabble (because we are nerdy like that). I lost, because my Aunt Peggy got a Scrabble with TOTALLY for fifty extra points.

The End.

Friday, December 02, 2005

Blogging From Ft. Lauderdale

After many trials and tribulations, as well as getting slightly lost, the Accidentally Acquired Man and I have finally arrived in Ft. Lauderdale in preparation for Art Basel in Miami Beach.

I have had no time to pack anything Terribly Outrageous to wear, but it would have been a bit Tiring to compete with all the other celebrities, models, fashionistas and artists. I shall have enough trouble avoiding the paparazzi as it is, I'm sure.

We're headed off soon, and I shall report on the activities later.

In the meantime, here is a photo of the new man, who is named XXXXXXXXX-- not Bill, who bats for the other team.

Please excuse the fact that I look like a dork

(image removed do to unforseen circumstances)

A slightly less lame post shall follow this evening.