Wednesday, December 21, 2005

Stop the War on Christmas!

Well, this has been quite the exciting week, I must say.

You wouldn't believe the amount of Valium I've had to take to calm myself down!


I've been reading all about the War on Christmas, which threatens all Americans today!

We should all recognize that it isn't enough when stores begin playing Christmas carols the day after Halloween. It isn't enough when they display aisle after aisle of gold lamé angel tree-toppers, red and green wrapping paper, porcelain keepsake ornaments, and plastic elf figurines for months on end. The gigantic inflatable outdoor decorations that dominate the suburbs? Not big enough! The artificial green and white Christmas trees with lights included? Not dazzling enough! The twenty-four hour a day radio carol marathons? Not long enough! The glitter pom-pom reindeer sweaters on sale for $14.99? Not fluffy enough!

In fact, the celebrations have been so damaged by liberals that the holiday may disappear completely!

Have we forgotten that Christmas should be celebrated the entire year? That the mall is indeed a most Holy shrine to our Lord and Saviour? That Jesus will hate you if you take your lights down? That without vast amounts of credit debt you will be accursed?

Save Our Holiday!

1. Say "Merry Christmas" to everyone all throughout the year, even if it's July.

2. If anyone dares to say "Happy Holidays", bonk them on the head with your Bible! After all, those Jewish people don't spend as much as WE do!

3. Remind everyone that Christmas is no longer a pagan holiday! If they laugh, remind them of possible hellfire, damnation and smiting!

4. Remember that the Christmas shopping season should actually last all year-- not just the meagre four months that we currently have!

5. Encourage retailers to use more biblical verses in their advertisements. What better way to advertise than with inspiring quotes such as the following?
"From there Elisha went up to Bethel. As he was walking along the road some youths came out of the town and jeered at him. "Go on up, you baldhead!" they said. "Go on up, you baldhead!" He turned around, and looked at them and called down a curse on them in the name of the Lord. Then two bears came out of the woods and mauled forty-two of the youths." (2 Kings 2:23-24) Yes, that's right. If you mock Christmas you will be mauled by bears.

So rush out there to save Christmas and Spend, Spend, Spend! Fight that little old lady for a shopping cart if you have to!

Just don't say "Happy Holidays"


Anonymous Professor Twain said...

I like your style.
Merry Christmas.

12:29 AM  
Blogger happyandblue2 said...

I carried a smiting stick with for all my shopping excursions this year.
The lord guided my hand to smite mine enemies many a time. And it was good..

8:22 AM  
Anonymous barb said...

This is so great! I was laughing even though I'm sick this morning. I love it. I have to link to it.

9:05 AM  
Blogger Rainypete said...

It reminds me of this little snippet of festive goodness.

3:09 PM  
Blogger NPR Junky said...

Oh my good lord, L, that was fabulous! I think there are several women in my office that are on your bandwagon. Maybe you've seen them?

3:41 PM  
Blogger glomgold said...

I did my part in this War on Christmas by nearly causing 2 car accidents, and then not feeling the least bit guilty about it! Wait, are you arguing for the other side?

3:52 PM  
Blogger L said...

Professor Twain: Merry Belated Christmas and a Happy New Year!

Happy&Blue: sounds like you were well prepared

barb: thanks!

rainypete: heh heh heh

npr junkie: thank you... and perhaps I HAVE seen them :)

glomgold: welcome to the Conspiracy

7:28 PM  
Blogger VirusHead said...

hee hee heh Hack cough smile

9:31 PM  
Blogger L said...

virus head: hope you feel better soon!

11:12 PM  
Anonymous Lisa said...

Jesus is the Reason for the Season - I envision bumper stickers and buttons and engraved plastic bracelets... Good thing people are more concerned over the war though, maybe they will encourage our president to bring all our soldiers back home for their "Merry Christmas".

Oh, and L,
Happy Holidays!!!!!!!!

11:12 PM  
Anonymous rainypete said...

Kinda reminds me of this

11:12 PM  
Anonymous -c said...

Fun post!

Long live reindeer sweaters and porcelain elves!

11:12 PM  
Anonymous Mariana said...

"Happy Winter" would be much more politically correct - although you might offend the neurotics, who should feel under no pressure to be "happy" just because it's Christmas. Maybe "Have an OK season" is more acceptable.

11:12 PM  
Anonymous none said...

Did you know that jesus was constantly followed around by 12 short little men called disciples? Jesus taught them carpentry and the 13 of them would sit around and make toys for children. After jesus died, the disciples moved to the north pole.

Happy Holidays

11:13 PM  
Anonymous comfort addict said...

I love it, L. For a companion piece to this one (unabashed self-promotion warning), see my post on Christmas. In the words of my Jewish ancestors, these meshugginah goyim are giving me shpilkes (see here for the translation).

11:13 PM  
Blogger L said...

Lisa: thank you Happy New Year!

rainypete: hehe hehh heh

-c: thank you == and I'm sure we'll see many more years of porcelain elves and fuzzy reindeer sweaters...

Mariana: or maybe just "Try to have a happy winter, but don't feel obliged, really"

none: I think that's how they're teaching it nowadays

Comfort Addict: ha ha!

11:13 PM  

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