Thursday, December 08, 2005

'Tis the Season...

As I am still a bit upset over the whole breakup situation, I am probably in even greater danger of going daintily berserk than ever before. After all, everyone's been playing Christmas music since the day after Halloween.

Between trying to stay perky and driving past enormous inflatable snowmen and lightup reindeer day after day after day after day, I am now so Jolly that I may jolly well do something drastic!

Outdoor Christmas decorations have become so over the top this year, that I seriously fear we shall soon see a shortage of glitter and vinyl. The sheer number of lights are now vying for top position on the list of contributors to global warming. Will this madness ever end?!!?

Uh... that being said, I've decided to compose a nice letter to Santa this year. I do feel that I deserve a little something special!

Dear Santa,

How are you? Lost any of that weight?

I haven't killed anyone yet I am fine.

Although I may have been rather naughty, I am quite sure that you can look the other way this year. Everyone says that I have been Terribly Good ALL year. I have been trying very, very hard. In fact, every day, I deliberately do NOT run over this really, really annoying person in the parking lot. I always say "please" and "thank you", and I hardly ever tell anyone to "fuck off!" try my very best to be a Good Citizen at all times. What I really want most for Christmas is millions and millions of dollars World Peace. If you can't bring me that, I would like this sort of musical instrument I saw in the shop window the other day. It's long and straight, and it's called a pico-something... pico.. picol... uh... gigolo. Yeah. Can you get me one of those if it isn't too much trouble?

Some additional
Loot things I would like:
1. a pony
2. champagne
3. a new enormous hat
4. trained monkeys
5. an entourage
6. a luxury vacation to Aix-en-Provence
7. a personal masseuse
8. my very own petting zoo
9. a real tiara
10. mother-of-pearl opera glasses

I thought of some additional things, so I shall send you a convenient addendum later.

Hugs and Kisses!!!



Anonymous tim said...

*hugs* you rock!

12:07 AM  
Anonymous Professor Twain said...

Santa wants to know what kind of champagne you like, and whether a masseur would be an appropriate substitution.

1:15 AM  
Blogger said...

Awwww L, I just read about your breakup. He was hot but he wasn't hot enough to earn a DEGREE for! Congrats on making a wise decision.

And I hope you get everything you want for Christmas.

10:24 AM  
Blogger Chickie said...

If you must go beserk, just skip the daintily part and go stark-raving bonkers. It will make you feel better quicker.

I talked to Santa. He's sending one champagne laden gigolo your way. Just leave him outside when you're done and Santa will wisk him away so you don't have to fool with him later.

4:54 PM  
Blogger L said...

tim: thank you :) -- and back at ya!

My Dear Professor: the yummy kind, of course. And really, the best substitution, I suppose, would really be a masseur WITH a bottle of champagne. And berries.

Brenda Love: I do think it was the right decision, even if it was terribly difficult to do. I hope you have a good Christmas too!

Chickie: stark-raving bonkers does sound fun. And thanks for the thought ;)

6:27 PM  
Anonymous tiny said...

Better cut your list down a bit. With the economy being tight rumor has it Santa will be killing two birds with one stone whenever possible. You might just end up with this: 391.html

Me, a new enormous lump of coal will do fine.

11:27 PM  
Anonymous Vince said...

I'm sorry about you and Vince; let me know if you need any cheering up! Unfortunately I seem to be running with my head cut off lately because of this house/dog/truck/whatever else situation, so I'm not much help these days but I'm up for moral support!

And maybe book browsing, though I'm pretty sure I'll be shot if I buy anything for myself right now (I'll get Ian some books instead). :D

11:27 PM  
Anonymous Brett said...

Trained monkeys make an excellent gift, and add class and value to any home. Kudos on your selection.

11:27 PM  
Anonymous NPR Junkie said...

I think you deserve an especially good present this year as you did not run over that person you see in the parking lot every day. I hope you get an extraordinary entourage to accompany you wherever it is in France you decide to venture!

11:27 PM  
Anonymous rainypete said...

I saw a massive, 6 foot tall, inflatable snow globe at the shops the other day and thought who on earth would stick that on their lawn, as a little old lady tossed on in cart. I should have followed her with a knife.

11:27 PM  
Anonymous tiny said...

rainypete -
and proudly so at Ta...eSnowGlobe.html

you asked.


11:27 PM  
Anonymous kosh said...

It's a good think we're going to look at dead bodies Sunday, it should be just what you need to cheer you up. At the very least it should take your mind off Christmas. You can wear my tiara Sunday if you'd like, but it's just rhinestones. Sorry about the Accidentally Acquired Cheater, err Man. I think we need a happy hour soon.

11:28 PM  
Anonymous happy and blue said...

Hope Santa doesn't read the crossed out parts.
Here we usually just try to be naughty to get the free coal for our furnaces

11:28 PM  
Anonymous Mariana said...

So it is true -- all girls do want a pony! I always wanted an Olympic swimming pool myself. Hey, if you're gonna dream might as well dream big, right?

11:28 PM  
Anonymous Rhodent said...

Too bad I bought your gifts BEFORE I read this list. Maybe next year I will get a "heads up" earlier.

As for the monkey thing... why not try some fancy rats? They are smart, your mother will babysit them when you have to go out of town, they are very cute and adventuresome, they are a great conversation starter, pictures of them are great for a blog (Your mother's blog, of course), they have unique personalities, they tend to be just a bit naughty at times, they are a bit quirky, and did I mention that they are very smart? Sort of reminds me of someone who grew up in my house.

11:28 PM  
Anonymous Ron said...

I thought I was your trained monkey. Maybe I'm confused. I've been confused before.

11:28 PM  
Anonymous editengine said...

I did see something at barnes and noble today that I thought reminded me of some of your post.

Check here

11:29 PM  
Blogger L said...

tiny: heh heh.... but at least a lump of coal can be used to keep you warm

April: sorry to hear about all your stress lately... anything I can do? I do have spare time to hang out later in the week and next weekend

Brett: I agree. No home is truly complete without a troupe of trained monkeys

NPRJunkie: thank you! and you have NO IDEA how difficult it is to not run over this person in the parking lot. I do think I should be lauded for my saintly behavior

rainypete: I know! these things are everywhere now! entire blocks are beginning to resemble theme parks for the entire month of December. I may start taking drugs...

Kosh: sorry I bailed on you guys (cough, cough)

Happy&Blue: maybe I should move to a colder climate -- then I won't have to worry about whether I'm being naughty or nice

Mariana: I certainly wanted a pony when I was younger. I was just mad about horses

Rhodent: no rats for me-- fancy or otherwise. I still think I might acquire a Sphynx cat

Ron: that's okay. I think we're all confused

edit engine: oh yeah! I've seen her merchandise before-- they're so hilarious (I've got a set of coasters)

11:29 PM  
Anonymous glomgold said...

The pony and the monkey can all be part of the petting zoo so you're not asking for TOO much.
Sorry to read about your breakup.

11:29 PM  
Blogger L said...

Glomgold: yes, my list IS rather practical, isn't it?

* And thank you
I'm sorry about it too.... but I suppose life and vaguely awful blog posts MUST go on!

11:29 PM  

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