Saturday, September 10, 2005

Zero Tolerance on Looting, Price Gouging!

Earlier this week, President Bush announced that "there ought to be zero tolerance of people breaking the law during an emergency such as this, whether it be looting or price-gouging at the gasoline pump or taking advantage of charitable giving or insurance fraud."

Amen, Brother! Shoot to kill!

I know it's politically incorrect to racially profile, but when it comes to looters and price-gougers why shouldn't we? Everyone knows who the criminals are. Those pasty old men wearing neckties and pinstriped trousers have been coddled by the corporate welfare system for far too long.

"Everyone knows who the absolute worst offenders are," agreed an unnamed government official earlier today. "Halliburton, its subsidiary Kellogg Brown & Root with their no-bid contracts, Exxon Mobil, BP, Chevron... the list goes on and on. I'm just finally glad we're implementing a zero-tolerance policy; these criminals have been looting for far too long," he added.

Many figures in law enforcement agree. "We're declaring martial law and shooting the bastards wherever we find 'em," stated an anonymous officer. "Typically, we'll get 'em in banks, at black-tie dinners and political fundraisers. Shot two of 'em today," he added. "Don't know who though; all those old white guys look the same to me."

In addition, there are rumors that Bush may have to shoot several members of his administration as well as some in Congress. "Despite the dire predictions and the costly storm damage during the 2004 season, the government made huge cuts for hurricane and flood-control funding in Louisiana," stated another official. "At the same time, they funded an enormously unnecessary bridge (worth millions) that seems to go nowhere in Alaska. Not only that, but you would not believe the tax breaks they're giving companies these days! If that's not looting, I don't know what is."

Now that our chastened government is finally instituting a zero-tolerance policy, many hope that the problem will be solved, at least for this year.

In other news, the Bureau of Indian Affairs, which has spent more than a century mismanaging and "diverting" funds, is on the "Most Wanted" list for looters. Saks Fifth Avenue and Neiman ("Needless Markup") Marcus are currently being investigated for price-gouging. No word yet on whether or not they will be shot.

13 Comments:

Anonymous brenda love said...

L -
I am so frustrated with our government right now I don't know what to do. Where have all the real men gone?

10:49 PM  
Anonymous Mariana said...

This post is a classic! Love the pic. :D

10:49 PM  
Anonymous jpr said...

Hey! Im a white man. Are you trying to get me shot? ...Oh wait... thats what big sisters do. I forgot.

10:49 PM  
Anonymous Lisa said...

That picture is hilarious. Who is that? Ann Margaret? Hilarious.

Love the sentiment of this post too. Damn Crackers...

To quote a popular t-shirt slogan (among the KKK), Kill 'em all and let God sort 'em out!!! But lets make sure we have some smart women and men to lead the country afterwards. For starters, I think the mayor of New Orleans should have a higher post somewhere in the government.

10:50 PM  
Anonymous Kosh said...

OMG that is hilarious! Check out today's St. Pete Times editorial section. They're running a cartoon from another paper that goes so well with your post.

http://hogan.ohio.com/ohio/bok/a...ow.php3? id=1909

10:50 PM  
Anonymous -c said...

Ha ha! Another hilarious one! Reminds me of Mike Moore's "Corporate Cops"...

10:50 PM  
Anonymous Vile FIle said...

Impeccable wryness, Miss L.

10:50 PM  
Anonymous comfort addict said...

Great post, L. I say that The Hilton and Ritz-Carlton can't be too far behind on that list.

10:50 PM  
Blogger L said...

Brenda: I'm a bit disappointed myself

mariana: thanks :)

jpr: har har har

Lisa: I love the pic too -- and it is Ann Margaret

Kosh: I think they read my mind!

-c: I'm beginning to think that I can't take anything seriously

ms. vile: thank you

Comfort addict: ooh, I forgot to add them to the list

10:51 PM  
Anonymous mark said...

what a fun post! may not totally agree with all of it, but delightful nonetheless and written with such flair.

10:51 PM  
Anonymous mark said...

mark: thank you :) I'll try to make fun of liberals more often, not just conservatives

10:51 PM  
Anonymous NPR Junkie said...

Oh, L, what truth you speak. And the Pic was fabulous.

10:51 PM  
Anonymous glomgold said...

Hoo boy!! I'm gettin' a gun, a backpack full o' bullets, and I'm heading to the nearest Hilton or Hyatt.

10:52 PM  

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