Zero Tolerance on Looting, Price Gouging!

Earlier this week, President Bush announced that "there ought to be zero tolerance of people breaking the law during an emergency such as this, whether it be looting or price-gouging at the gasoline pump or taking advantage of charitable giving or insurance fraud."

Amen, Brother! Shoot to kill!

I know it's politically incorrect to racially profile, but when it comes to looters and price-gougers why shouldn't we? Everyone knows who the criminals are. Those pasty old men wearing neckties and pinstriped trousers have been coddled by the corporate welfare system for far too long.

"Everyone knows who the absolute worst offenders are," agreed an unnamed government official earlier today. "Halliburton, its subsidiary Kellogg Brown & Root with their no-bid contracts, Exxon Mobil, BP, Chevron... the list goes on and on. I'm just finally glad we're implementing a zero-tolerance policy; these criminals have been looting for far too long," he added.

Many figures in law enforcement agree. "We're declaring martial law and shooting the bastards wherever we find 'em," stated an anonymous officer. "Typically, we'll get 'em in banks, at black-tie dinners and political fundraisers. Shot two of 'em today," he added. "Don't know who though; all those old white guys look the same to me."

In addition, there are rumors that Bush may have to shoot several members of his administration as well as some in Congress. "Despite the dire predictions and the costly storm damage during the 2004 season, the government made huge cuts for hurricane and flood-control funding in Louisiana," stated another official. "At the same time, they funded an enormously unnecessary bridge (worth millions) that seems to go nowhere in Alaska. Not only that, but you would not believe the tax breaks they're giving companies these days! If that's not looting, I don't know what is."

Now that our chastened government is finally instituting a zero-tolerance policy, many hope that the problem will be solved, at least for this year.

In other news, the Bureau of Indian Affairs, which has spent more than a century mismanaging and "diverting" funds, is on the "Most Wanted" list for looters. Saks Fifth Avenue and Neiman ("Needless Markup") Marcus are currently being investigated for price-gouging. No word yet on whether or not they will be shot.