Monday, September 05, 2005

Darth Vader Nominated For Supreme Court Vacancy

With an additional vacancy available on the Supreme Court, the President has picked Darth Vader to be the next Supreme Court justice after interviewing other finalists such as Lex Luthor, the Green Goblin and Count Dracula.

In nominating Vader, he has chosen an extremely conservative and reactionary Sith Lord, who is proudly committed to destroying Alderaan, environmental regulations, women's rights and the vile Rebellion. President Bush passed over several other qualified candidates, who were found mysteriously asphyxiated, in favor of a highly telegenic and suave figure who is well-traveled in galactic circles, hugely popular among the far right, and widely considered to be one of the most talented members of the Dark Side of the Force.

Although Vader has actually argued no cases before the Supreme Court, he spoke with something that may have been pleasure when asked about joining the justices on the highest court in the land. "With our combined strength, we can end this destructive conflict and bring order to the galaxy," he said earlier today. "The Rebel forces are no match for the Force."

President Bush has hailed Vader as an impressive figure who would interpret the Constitution and laws in a manner more befitting the Empire. "Vader has devoted his entire professional career to preserving the Dark Side and is widely admired for his intellect, his sound judgment and his personal ability to crush tracheas with his mental powers," Bush stated. "He is a man of extraordinary accomplishment and ability. He has a powerful speaking voice. He has the qualities Americans expect in a judge: power, intimidation, and kick-ass light saber skills."

Liberal advocacy groups immediately attacked Darth Vader for his positions on women's and minority rights, as well as other issues such as the Voting Act and the environment. In reply, Vader stated "I find their lack of faith disturbing." When pressed, he added "I want them alive - no disintegrations." However, this seems unlikely this week as the Death Star is not yet fully operational, and interrogations have been temporarily placed on hold.

"The president has chosen someone with murky credentials, so we need an inquiry," stated Senator Needa. "The Imperial Senate must review Darth Vader's record to determine if he truly has demonstrated a commitment to the core American values of galactic imperialism and bigger, faster land speeders...." However, Needa did not finish his commentary. "Apology accepted," stated Vader, as the Congressman crumpled to the floor and slowly asphyxiated.

As a successor to O'Connor and Rehnquist, Darth Vader is expected to move the court much further to the right, but legal experts do not consider him to be among the most conservatively ideological of the candidates considered for the second empty slot. As his breathing is machine-assisted, he is expected to garner much support from advocacy groups for the disabled, as well as military veterans. In addition, he will provide his own robes for the office.

Vader, who spends most of his spare time hunting the last remaining Jedi, secretly flew back to the Death Star to accept the nomination, which comes at a delicate moment in the Bush presidency; however, it is thought that the nomination of an intimidating and inscrutable Sith Lord will raise the President's standing in the polls. For his acceptance speech, Darth Vader merely said "The ability to destroy a planet is insignificant next to the power of the Force."

"Everything is proceeding as I have forseen," stated President Bush.

(inspired by a comment left on Bitch, Phd)


Blogger Ron said...


9:16 PM  
Blogger L said...

thank you Sir :)

9:51 PM  
Blogger NPR Junky said...

Oh, I concur. One can only assume that his next move will be for total world domination to turn the rest of the non-bible beaters into bible-beating Borg.

2:17 PM  
Blogger VirusHead said...

I cam to visit after you left comments, but you made me laugh too hard. I can barely breathe! Tracking this one back.

6:20 PM  
Blogger L said...

npr junkie: oh no! will we be assimilated?!

virushead: thanks :) I hope you can breathe now

10:40 PM  
Anonymous rhodent said...

Funny! You do have a gift for satirical humor. I love the Vader quotes from the movies... you also have an excellent memory!

Thanks for leaving such a nice complement re my long ranting post in the comments. I doubt that many people will take the time to read the whole thing, but I needed to write it anyway. I had a hard time stopping... could have written a lot more... but no one would have read it anyway!

11:00 PM  
Anonymous mariana said...

Funniest piece of fiction I've read in a long while... or is it (fiction I mean)? Hmmm... I sense a disturbance in the force.

11:00 PM  
Anonymous jamie dawn said...

As a fan of Star Wars, I'm loving this post!
I'm worried about the mysteriously asphyxiated people though.

11:00 PM  
Anonymous Michelle said...

Hilarious, L. Thanks for stopping by my blog and the advice for togging on the spam filter. Will give that a try.

11:00 PM  
Anonymous weary hag said...

Oh this is so precious! I may be forced to print it out and keep it on my fridge for awhile. You have such a well honed imagination, L.

11:00 PM  
Anonymous weary hag said...

Just stopping back again after reading your last several entries. I just have to say that you maintain one of the most well-written, nicely developed, entertaining blogs I've seen and I visit roughly 80 per week. The fact that you so creatively insert the dynamic and nostalgic images makes it all the better - keep up the wonderful work!

11:01 PM  
Anonymous -c said...

Terrific post! You're a master of satirical, Onion-esque reporting! Keep 'em coming!

11:01 PM  
Anonymous comfort addict said...

I don't know, L. He's still to the left of Thomas and Scalia.

11:01 PM  
Blogger L said...

Rhodent: thanks and your pics are always perfect for your posts. I think they need more pink, though.

Mariana: thank you... and I'm ALWAYS sensing a disturbance in the Force these days

Jamie Dawn: well, crushing tracheas and asphyxiating people is just Vader's modus operandi, I'm afraid.

Michelle: you're welcome

Weary Hag: thanks! I think I'm sadly addicted to blogging now. But it could be much worse. As I've told my mother, I could have been a crackhead porn star instead

-c: that's quite a compliment (I love the Onion)

Comfort Addict: You may be right. It's possible that he's mellowed now that he knows Luke is his son.

11:01 PM  
Anonymous jpr said...

Your new post came way too soon. I never got a chance to comment on this one...and it was damn funny, especially the part about Roberts.

11:01 PM  
Anonymous happy and blue said...

Wow. So you received so many nice compliments. Well deserved compliments of course. You are brilliant. Except in your choices for alternate employment. A nun or a crackhead porn star..

11:01 PM  
Anonymous glomgold said...

I can't wait!! Now, along with Cheney, there will be TWO cybernetic humanoids of pure evil in the capital city.

11:02 PM  
Blogger L said...

jpr: I'm sorry you're so slow at checking my blog :)

happy&blue: if it weren't for that, I'd probably be perfect I suppose. Oh well

glomgold: well, I can certainly wait

11:02 PM  

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