Sunday, August 07, 2005

Just Lounging Around At Home...

Today I helped a couple of friends make homemade beer, and I'm a little tired after all the excitement. So, I've slipped on something comfortable, and I'm just lounging around, refusing to do anything even remotely responsible.

My friend Bill periodically creates large batches of beer, most notably for his upcoming annual Oktoberfest party; Debbie and I offered to help because we are both interested in making our own homemade brew. For any interested parties, I have documented the process for posterity:

1. Make sure you have plenty of snacks and beer. You must keep up your strength.

2. Slosh bleach around on absolutely everything that doesn't move. A non-sterilized environment will produce skunk beer.

3. Spill a little water and malt here and there. This is considered good luck, especially if you have forgotten to purchase any barley.

4. Drink plenty of beer while stirring the malt and hops into the water. Don't forget to squish any ants that are attracted to the malt, as they are not generally considered good ingredients.

5. Take a little time out to watch an episode of Absolutely Fabulous.

6. Slosh bleach all over your glass carboy. Carefully rinse, repeat, then rinse again before smashing the container into a million tiny pieces. Some homebrewers recommend accidentally slicing your arm open as well, but this is not absolutely necessary.

7. Panic while trying to locate a number for the local beer and winemakers supply store. Speed through rain-slicked streets in order to purchase a new carboy.

8. After almost dropping and smashing new carboy, funnel water and the malt/hops mixture into it while speculating on the sex life of yeast.

9. Stick a cork in it.

10. Head over to the local bar.

After splitting a plate of lamb at the Garden, Bill and I slithered over to the Independant bar for beer that was produced with a little less excitement. I drank a tasty little something-or-other called Éphémère, which smells like sweet green apples. Don't bother asking me what Bill had, because I certainly can't remember.


Random Quotes From Today

"Did I ever tell you about the time my neighbor saw me wearing leather chaps with a bathing suit on Easter Sunday?"

"I can never remember people's names unless I want to have sex with them... I mean, why bother?"

"Check out that weird guy passed out in the grass!"
"Ha ha ha! Maybe he's dead."
"Yeah, and we'll read about it in tomorrow's paper: Man dies in park. Callous passersby point and laugh."

"Well, all men are jerks."
"You're a man"
"Oh, yeah..."

"This is my fashion standard: I just put on the outfit, stand in front of the mirror and ask myself 'would I have sex with that person?' If the answer is no, I don't wear it."


Anonymous moos said...

Leather chaps & bathing suit? Hmmm. . . is that part of the fashion standard?

What exactly was the cork stuck in #9?

1 & 10 sound the best!

8:43 PM  
Anonymous Larry Jones said...

Whose fashion standard is that? Yours or your friend Bill's? Well, either way, if the answer to the question in the mirror is "no," it seems likely that you will be having sex with that person pretty soon

8:43 PM  
Anonymous rainypete said...

I like your fashion method but it has a fatal flaw. Let's ignore the fact that everyone needs to be gay for it to be a universal system.

What happens if you're desperrate. You could find yourself out in public in your flannel jammies ro some overalls.

8:44 PM  
Anonymous happy and blue said...

My experience with home made liquor of any kind is that it's a good thing to bring out when you want your guests to go away..

8:44 PM  
Anonymous april said...

Hey babe! Glad to see you're having fun in all this rain! Here are your questions, as requested:

1) If you were told you had to get rid of every single book in your home except for one, which one would you keep?
2) What do you like best about the blogging community?
3) Where is the coolest place you've ever been for vacation (or business trip, of course)?
4) What is your favorite artist? Favorite piece? (Yes I choose to group those two together, whadya gonna do 'bout it? )
5) What is your favorite memory from your childhood?

8:44 PM  
Blogger L said...

moos: it is occasionally part of the fashion standard, yes, but not mine...
and the cork was stuck in the carboy, you naughty thing

Larry: hey, you're right. never thought of that one!

rainypete: that's true. and it's really too bad that it couldn't be applied universally-- it seems so simple.

happy&blue: har har har. see if you get any

april: yeah, this weekend it just poured!

8:44 PM  
Anonymous comfort addict said...

Hmmm. Call me crazy but I sense a common theme here.

8:45 PM  
Blogger L said...

okay, you're crazy :)

8:45 PM  
Anonymous NPR Junkie said...

Oh, those quotes were priceless. I love the last one, that one definitely secured a warm place in my heart.

8:45 PM  

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