Wednesday, May 11, 2005

Activist Judges: America Under Attack!

It's worse than we thought: according to one of the greatest American thinkers today, the American judiciary has aligned itself firmly on the side of the atheists, feminists, lesbians, crack smokers and Devil-worshippers!

To the shock of all God-fearing Americans, Pat Robertson has stated that Democratic and secular judges are a greater threat to the United States than the deadly ebola virus, Adolf Hitler, invaders from Mars, the Civil War and Al Qaeda combined. In fact, the federal judiciary is outside your door right now, just waiting for the chance to violently attack.

The Pentagon has been placed on high alert, and the nation is being moved to Code Red (the Screaming Heebie-Jeebies) on the Homeland Security Terror Alert index. The armed forces and National Guard have been placed on standby as police around the nation battle this serious threat. Communities have been advised to stockpile emergency food and medical supplies, weapons and ammunition. There has also been a move to initiate "Duck and Cover" drills for children, in the event that the federal judiciary decides to begin bombing.

Robertson, founder of the Christian Coalition and Americans Against Homosexuals, has revealed the details of the dastardly judicial plot in his searing expose titled Courting Disaster. In it, he explains how secular judges and liberals are determined to destroy America, have sex in public, sacrifice babies, and worship Satan. In fact, our very way of life will be threatened as our enemies strive to prevent the Apocalypse.

But all is not lost.

Robertson recently affirmed that God has personally spoken to him-- quite recently in fact. "Pat," said God, "I will remove judges from the Supreme Court quickly, and their successors will refuse to sanction the attacks on religious faith." Americans around the nation can now breathe a sigh of relief to know that divine intervention will save us from the judicial menace. No more will we have to live in fear.

God also went on to say that He will personally smite anyone who disagrees with Pat and will bring plagues of locusts, boils and frogs unto the French. Also, this week's winning Lottery numbers are 02-35-18-52-29-10.

However, when asked about last year's record-breaking Hurricane season and the continued existence of American Idol, God had no comment and terminated the interview.

19 Comments:

Blogger Jim said...

Hi L in Florida.

I'm J in California.

I like your blog and especially this post! (Thanks to KarbonKountyMoose to pointing you your direction.)

I find Pat Robertson's message from God to be hilarious. How brave Pat was to stick his neck out and say that God told him something OBVIOUS was going to happen.

Funny how that was never how it worked with the Old Testament prophets. They would tell people that something incredibly weird was going to happen, like a huge flood was coming that would drown them all.

Pat is a tool.

7:14 PM  
Blogger L said...

Hi J-- thanks for visiting. And I agree-- Pat is definitely a major tool of the first order. But it is so fun to laugh at him

11:57 PM  
Blogger Howard Davis said...

You mean, Pat Robertson doesn't talk to God? I don't know. He seems pretty convincing to me!

1:50 PM  
Blogger R said...

I just don't know about you L. How do you expect to ever connect with the other side when you just keep laughing at them? Don't you want "our side" to win the next election? Don't you care that homosexuals are at risk because you'd rather joke about their serious threat to god-fearers all over this great country than pray for their return to the fold? Why can't you just trust that Pat (like all Republicans) knows what's good for the rest of us?

Keep this up and who knows maybe Al Franken will run for office.

4:06 PM  
Blogger L said...

I know, I know... I'm such an awful LIBERAL! ha ha ha ha!

11:06 PM  
Anonymous Frally said...

Well, God told me he loves American Idol, although Survivor is by far his favourite show. He 's a big Rob and Amber fan and blessed their union. Thanks for the lotto numbers!

11:06 PM  
Blogger L said...

If you make it to NZ Idol, it will add that much needed tone of class and talent to the genre :) All I can think of is that weird guy who couldn't sing (William Hung?) on American Idol. That was it for me

11:07 PM  
Anonymous mark said...

Gotta love PR... How many people can pull of the self-righteous snobbery like he does and still have a loyal following. I'm just waiting for him to announce that God is hiding behind a comet and wants all of Pat's followers to come over for some slightly laced Kool-aid.

11:07 PM  
Anonymous jpr said...

God IS hiding behind a comet and he DOES want all of Pats followers to drink "special" Kool-Aid.

11:07 PM  
Anonymous P said...

Rats! I tuned in too late to take advantage of the winning lotto numbers!

11:07 PM  
Anonymous happy and blue said...

I have never heard of Pat Robertson before but if you like him he must be good.
Too bad he has a girls name though. That kind of thing often makes men kind of crazy. He should watch out for that..

11:08 PM  
Anonymous Frally said...

Talent? Maybe. Class? I think not. You're too kind.

11:08 PM  
Anonymous Ron said...

I hope he at least had the common decency to blush before he left.

11:08 PM  
Anonymous glomgold said...

I want to go out to 7-Eleven to get a slurpee but Sandra Day O'Connor is outside carving swastikas in my car's hood!! If only some of those mamas' boys Satan worshippers were around to help me.

11:09 PM  
Anonymous sarah said...

Why doesn't God ever speak to me, damnit??

11:09 PM  
Blogger L said...

I love making fun of Pat Robertson; he makes it too easy. Plus, God told me to.

11:09 PM  
Anonymous Rhodent said...

Didn't he die or something? No? Well it must have been someone's wishful thinking!

11:10 PM  
Anonymous carmi said...

I'm so glad to hear Pat is on such good speaking terms with the big man. Where was the deity when Patty boy was fooling around on his wife?

11:10 PM  
Blogger L said...

ha ha ha! he had that kind of scandal? never heard that one before.... ha ha ha!

11:10 PM  

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