Polyevolutio Compello-Libri Syndrome: A Debilitating Disease That Is Often Overlooked

I've been posting for a few months now, telling delightful little anecdotes about my life and whimsically attempting to entertain those who stumble across my little blog. But today I am temporarily dropping the humor to reveal something deeply personal about myself: I suffer from a rare and gradually debilitating neurological disorder called PCLS (Polyevolutio Compello-Libri Syndrome). I suppose I'm taking this step in order to bring attention to the fact that this disease receives very little attention or federal funding.

Many people don't realize that this disease can severely impact the lives of those afflicted, who make up approximately .01% of the population. However with enough publicity, perhaps the National Institutes of Health will bestow a grant to PCLS researchers and physicians at the University of Phoenix to study the subject. And perhaps someday people like me will receive the help they so desperately need.

There are several theories on what causes the disorder. One theory is that PCLS is caused by a hypothalamic abnormality telling the brain to produce chemicals that induce the sufferer to purchase far too many books than are humanly necessary.

Another theory is that there is something wrong with the visual processing center in the
occipital lobe, causing the brain to be unable to recognize the fact that there are, in fact, more than enough books already in the house. The end result of both theories is the same -- excessive book-buying and extreme clutter of the living space. Eventually, a mild form of dementia ensues, causing patients to wander aimlessly for hours through musty old bookstores and coffeeshops.

Symptoms And Diagnosis
The symptoms of PCLS usually begin well before puberty but, because these signs can occur in any combination, sufferers (also known as "bibliophiles") do not always see them as an indicator of a larger issue and don't consult a physician until the disorder has had a chance to develop over several years. Unfortunately, this delay can only make things worse, as the more advanced the disease, the more difficult it is to treat and the more likely it is that a bibliophile will suffer from cashflow problems and a lack of available living space.

Upon visiting physicians, the primary complaint of those with PCLS is the difficulty encountered in obtaining a specific copy of an especially interesting volume. Other indicators of the condition include irritability, callused or ink-stained fingers, squinting, a familiarity with Proust or Miller, the urge to use big words like "exacerbate" and an overwhelming urge to accumulate vast amounts of literature that don't fit comfortably in the space at hand.

My particular symptoms have displayed themselves in a number of ways: the removal of a television due to lack of space; the stacking of books where books wouldn't normally go; the excessive number of trips to various bookshops; the long and rather earnest literary conversations with bearded strangers lurking furtively in corners; the inability to walk past an attractively priced leather-bound volume on anything that sounds even remotely interesting.

Treatments
The disease can be difficult to diagnose, and once recognized, it is nearly impossible to treat. Experimental therapies have tried a combination of drugs and reality shows, to no avail.

So please, write a letter to Congress today. Demand more funding for the research of PCLS, so that someday sufferers will be able to live normal lives by restricting themselves to buying only one or two books a month. We can find a cure!