Saturday, April 30, 2005

Oh Rental House, Rental House.... Wherefore Art Thou, Rental House?

House-Hunting: Day Two

I am languishing in utter despair, as there are no cheaply charming rental houses to be found this week.

Yesterday my friend Matt and I toddled on over to St. Petersburg to eyeball a quaint two bedroom/ two bath rental in the "highly desirable" Kenwood neighborhood. As we wandered the property aimlessly I decided that it was, indeed, a highly desirable location for drug dealers, prostitutes, axe murderers and burglars. In fact, the house was so insecure and tempting for burglars, that I felt like donning dark clothing and breaking in myself-- only the slumlord realtor kept getting in the way.

Lesson One: stay away from cheaply charming rental house ads.


Realtor-Speak Translator

"A rapidly gentrifying neighborhood"
Half of the crack dealers have moved out and there's a Starbuck's coffeeshop twenty blocks away

"Duplex"
Your neighbors, who are legally insane, can stare directly into your bedroom

"Large yard"
Acres of weeds and black widow spiders

"Renovated 1920s bungalow"
Original bungalow was destroyed by termites or fire and has now been completely covered by ugly vinyl siding

"Highly desirable neighborhood"
The best place in town to buy highly desirable drugs

"Original hardware"
Hardware does not work

"Family neighborhood"
Neighborhood is full of juvenile delinquents running amok and stealing cars

"Quaint"
Microscopic

8 Comments:

Anonymous llcoffee said...

Oh god. Real estate speak is global. Now that is scary.

9:03 PM  
Anonymous Frally said...

You poor thing. You guys can come live in my garage if you like. At least the neighbourhood is nice here.

9:03 PM  
Anonymous rhodent said...

Clearwater or Largo sounding any better? You may yet find something in Tampa... don't give up hope. 8:>

9:04 PM  
Anonymous editengine said...

You left out a couple, these are some things I learned when shopping for my first house.

"Manufactured Home"

Trailer without them fancy wheels

"Secluded"

Only house on the block not condemned.

"Price Reduced"

It was even more shockingly overpriced before.

"In need of love"

In need of lighter fluid and a match.

"Waterfront"

Learn to love the smell of retention pond.

9:04 PM  
Anonymous weary hag said...

These are hysterical, and I know they're actual terms!
Fixer-Upper = falling down at the seams
Cozy = Hope you don't ever plan to entertain (OR... don't bother bringing that queen sized bed)

Love these! Good luck on your search.

9:05 PM  
Anonymous rhodent said...

By the way, that is a perfect picture of you!

9:06 PM  
Anonymous glomgold said...

I didn't know about the 'insane' part of the "duplex" definition. This blog is a veritable encyclopedia of knowledge!

9:06 PM  
Blogger L said...

llcoffee: yep

frally: I'm on my way!

rhodent: not yet....

editengine: hee hee!

weary hag: good additions :)

rhodent: thank you :)

glomgold: we aim to be informative!

9:07 PM  

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