Saturday, April 23, 2005

Terrorist Threat In Weeki Wachee, Florida! Mermaids Live In Fear.

This charming young Girl-About-Town has been sadly neglecting her blog as of late, due mainly to being terribly overworked as well as entertaining a houseguest, eating raw oysters at the Crab Shack, drinking cheap beer at the I Don't Care bar and generally just loitering irresponsibly...

More Alarming News: one of my favorite cheesy Florida attractions is now being targeted by terrorists!

Weeki Wachee, home of the underwater spandex-mermaid show might now be classified as one of the vital pieces of our nation's "key critical infrastructure", and is apparently high on the list of potential terrorist targets. Federal funding is certain to follow, in order to enable local law enforcement to "harden the target", which could range from installing surveillance cameras and armed guards to equipping the mermaids and concessionaires with AK-47s, or possibly giving Weeki Wachee some sort of nuclear bombing capability.

However, details remain sketchy; Homeland Security officials would not comment on the specific details due to national security concerns, but that does not prevent locals from speculating on such horrible scenarios as terrorists poisoning the water, bombing the water slides, creating remote control killer alligators or firing torpedoes at buxom mermaids as tourists flee screaming. Not only that but speculation is also rampant as to which additional targets are included on the classified list... could Cypress Gardens, home to the acrobatic tandem water skiers, possibly be next? And what about the Monkey Jungle and Dinosaur World-- should they also have to worry?

No one questions the fact that theme parks like Disney World are a potential target, because EVERYONE hates their high ticket prices and unbearably long lines, not just the terrorists. But some may wonder why Weeki Wachee is also being targeted...

It has long been rumored that the underwater mermaid show is, in reality, a covert operation funded directly by the NSA (National Security Agency). While many know that the mermaid program was begun in 1946 by a former US Navy frogman, few realize that the military relationship continues to the present day.

"Operation Mermaid" captures feral mermaids in the wild and immerses them in a year-long intensive training course that teaches them to attach electronic eavesdropping devices and explosives on enemy ships and submarines. In addition, these shy creatures can be trained to detonate underwater nuclear warheads, recover lost weapons on the ocean floor, and immobilize enemy divers by tearing their air-supply tubes and capturing them for interrogation. In fact, this program was considered so valuable during the Cold War, that there was a very real threat of combat-mermaid escalation between the superpowers.

While times have changed, these mermaids remain an important national resource to be protected-- no matter what the cost.


Anonymous rhodent said...

No one in the world would have thought of that but you! ROFL

9:20 PM  
Blogger L said...

it is actually partially true-- they really ARE on a Homeland Security list as a potential target

9:20 PM  
Anonymous Frally said...

Wow, do you think I should get an outift like that for my NZ Idol audition?* (*Not so subtle hint that I want your hard earned cash deposited into my account pronto)
You gotta watch those terrorists. First it'll be your mermaids, next thing you know, your cyclops and centaurs will be fair game. Damn Al Qaeda!

9:20 PM  
Anonymous happy and blue said...

I have heard the rumors of mermaid marines and this story provides truth to it.
Mermaids are also untrustworthy and will change sides at the flip of their sexy tails.
I hope that your government is aware of this..

9:20 PM  
Anonymous kristy said...

Feral mermaids? Wow--I love it! Of course, in my part of the country we view mermaid motives with a bit more jaundiced eye, aligning themselves as they have with the evil Starbucks empire. Have you considered that it may be the mermaids themselves that are a potential threat to national security? Perhaps their role is to divert federal attention so that the bad guys can have a better chance of blowing Disney into orbit. And you've played right into their fishy hands...

9:22 PM  
Anonymous panther girl said...

LOL!! I love the Weeki Wachi mermaids!! (how do they DO that, anyway??)

As for other potential targets, my money is on the Bedrock "amusement park" (and I use the term loosely) right outside the Grand Canyon. If it's not on the list, it should be.

9:22 PM  
Blogger L said...

Frally: you should SO get an outfit like that :)

Kristy & Happy and Blue: I will alert the government immediately!

Panthergirl: I've been told that they train to hold their breath for about 2 minutes & periodically breathe from air tubes disguised as seaweed....

9:23 PM  
Anonymous glomgold said...

Those sneaky mermaids. Happy&Blue is right. Hasn't the gov'mint ever read Machiavelli? Mercenary forces, clamshell bras or not, are the wrong way to go!

9:23 PM  

Post a Comment

<< Home