Yee-Haw!

I was so busy watching the Terri-Schiavo-Pope-Funeral channel that I almost missed the latest news: Floridians are now allowed to used deadly force outside, as well as inside, the home! I was so excited to hear about this piece of legislation because, quite frankly, Florida doesn't really have enough violence. In fact, despite the drug murders, road rage incidents, serial killers, fundamentalist lunatics, hurricanes and alligator attacks, the state has become so dreadfully dull.

This legislation will allow citizens to respond to and escalate public confrontations, rather than cowardly retreating. If inncocent bystanders get hit by the stray bullets, that is their own fault for being in the wrong place at the wrong time.

The bill's sponsor, state Representative Dennis Baxley, stated: "I'm sorry, people, but if I'm attacked I shouldn't have a duty to retreat. That's a good way to get shot in the back." And of course, any right-thinking American will agree; why shouldn't we fight violence with even more violence? Should we ignore our God-given right to blast the bejeezus out of anyone who dares to intimidate us? The answer is a resounding NO!

In fact, I believe that the new bill does not go far enough. As tax paying citizens, we should have the clear right to defend ourselves without having to worry about any sorts of pesky legal consequences. If I want to shoot that clearly deranged motorist who threatens me with an obscene gesture, I should be allowed to defend my maidenly person. If a scruffy minority makes any sudden moves in my direction, I should obviously be allowed to use deadly force to protect myself. And anyone who swears in a dangerous manner or cuts intimidatingly in line is clearly asking for it. Our very way of life if constantly under threat; only violent means will stem the tide.

I also propose the following as being activities that should be included under the threatening situation provision:
1. tailgating while driving over forty miles an hour
2. the flagrant wearing of mullets
3. singing "I Will Always Love You" by Whitney Houston
4. chewing with an open mouth
5. giving "high fives"

I am a proud supporter of the new legislation and plan to implement my rights as soon as possible-- whether or not they accept my proposed amendment.

The question is: which product would better suit my personal needs?
1.) Heavy-duty action, but somewhat difficult to carry
2.) Lightweight and easy to carry, but with far less impact
3.) Designed for all-purpose action, but rather awkward to tote around

Additional suggestions are welcome

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And remember, guns don't kill people; people kill people. And sometimes they stab them too. So if we outlaw guns, only criminals will have guns, which means that the rest of us will be left out of the action.