Wednesday, April 06, 2005

Yee-Haw!



I was so busy watching the Terri-Schiavo-Pope-Funeral channel that I almost missed the latest news: Floridians are now allowed to used deadly force outside, as well as inside, the home! I was so excited to hear about this piece of legislation because, quite frankly, Florida doesn't really have enough violence. In fact, despite the drug murders, road rage incidents, serial killers, fundamentalist lunatics, hurricanes and alligator attacks, the state has become so dreadfully dull.

This legislation will allow citizens to respond to and escalate public confrontations, rather than cowardly retreating. If inncocent bystanders get hit by the stray bullets, that is their own fault for being in the wrong place at the wrong time.

The bill's sponsor, state Representative Dennis Baxley, stated: "I'm sorry, people, but if I'm attacked I shouldn't have a duty to retreat. That's a good way to get shot in the back." And of course, any right-thinking American will agree; why shouldn't we fight violence with even more violence? Should we ignore our God-given right to blast the bejeezus out of anyone who dares to intimidate us? The answer is a resounding NO!

In fact, I believe that the new bill does not go far enough. As tax paying citizens, we should have the clear right to defend ourselves without having to worry about any sorts of pesky legal consequences. If I want to shoot that clearly deranged motorist who threatens me with an obscene gesture, I should be allowed to defend my maidenly person. If a scruffy minority makes any sudden moves in my direction, I should obviously be allowed to use deadly force to protect myself. And anyone who swears in a dangerous manner or cuts intimidatingly in line is clearly asking for it. Our very way of life if constantly under threat; only violent means will stem the tide.

I also propose the following as being activities that should be included under the threatening situation provision:
1. tailgating while driving over forty miles an hour
2. the flagrant wearing of mullets
3. singing "I Will Always Love You" by Whitney Houston
4. chewing with an open mouth
5. giving "high fives"

I am a proud supporter of the new legislation and plan to implement my rights as soon as possible-- whether or not they accept my proposed amendment.

The question is: which product would better suit my personal needs?
1.) Heavy-duty action, but somewhat difficult to carry
2.) Lightweight and easy to carry, but with far less impact
3.) Designed for all-purpose action, but rather awkward to tote around

Additional suggestions are welcome

***

And remember, guns don't kill people; people kill people. And sometimes they stab them too. So if we outlaw guns, only criminals will have guns, which means that the rest of us will be left out of the action.

19 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

I agree this bill doesn't go far enough. As our beloved ROTUS has demonstrated, sometimes you have to go proactive. I mean pre-emptive, if you get my drift.

12:01 PM  
Blogger melior said...

I too agree this bill doesn't go far enough. Florida should be the first to legalize personal ballistic missile weapons defenses. Me and my family have the God-given right to feel totally safe in our home.

What, are they anti-family?

2:47 AM  
Blogger Rainypete said...

I mean really. Are they looking to make you stand on the lawn with a "shoot me" sign? Make you store your possessions on the lawn for easy stealing? They should allow you to lay a minefield in your front yard to keep door to door marketes and the like away.
You really want to impress me, allow for in-vehicle defence systems like those found in fighter aircraft. Imagine driving cars tricked out like the old game Spy Hunter. Sweet

9:17 AM  
Blogger R said...

So the sooner the better these yahoos start shooting the better I say.

2:30 PM  
Blogger L said...

anonymous: oh yes, I do

melior: obviously!

rainypete: what a great idea :) ha ha ha ha!

R: hear! hear!

9:53 PM  
Anonymous moos said...

Wonderful picture, L... how about a little pearl handled number that'll stay under a garter?

About those mullets:

http://www.mulletsgalore.com/

9:53 PM  
Anonymous Larry Jones said...

Go get 'em, L! You're beautiful when you're angry. And you write good, too. No doubt you have noticed the NRA's answer to the horrendous school shooting rampage recently in Minnesota: More guns. Arm the teachers.

9:54 PM  
Anonymous Frally said...

I hate the fact that we NZers have such strict gun laws. Now if I have a fight with my neighbour, all I can do is give him the finger instead of BLOW HIS FREAKIN' HEAD OFF!
As for the criminals, well, they haven't any guns either so all they can do is threaten us with menacing looks and swear words. Where's the fun in that?

9:54 PM  
Anonymous glomgold said...

Violence begets more violence? Hooray!
Forego the handgrenade, you gotta show people you mean business and they might overlook something so small. Maybe a retro Tommy Gun look. I hear it's all the rage, see? Nyeah.

9:54 PM  
Anonymous carol said...

Phew. And here I was worried that those land mines at the edge of my yard might get me in trouble.

9:55 PM  
Anonymous happy and blue said...

We don't have guns in Canada. But we are seeing an increase in drive by stabbings..

9:55 PM  
Anonymous rhodent said...

Great post again!

I am unable to post just now because I cannot get to my Blogger Dashboard. Help me Obi Wan...you're my only hope!

9:55 PM  
Anonymous weary hag said...

How about a snubnose .38 with some good slip action and a tight wind. I have no idea what that means but I'll bet it could screw up someone's weekend.
I like this law. I do believe they've been using it in Nevada for decades, possibly forever.
I think if I were a violent criminal, I might think twice about showing off my skills in Florida.

9:56 PM  
Anonymous Vile File said...

Guns are fun. Everyone should have at least one. As Frally pointed out, we have very strict gun laws in NZ, thus the choice here is extremely limited. While staying in the USA with friends, however, I got the chance to fire an AR15 assault rifle.
I can highly recommend it, although I discovered that once you hit your target, you should not do a victory dance. For some reason, people get very afraid when someone does a victory dance with a loaded rifle.

9:56 PM  
Anonymous Mr. Anigans said...

darn tootin!

9:56 PM  
Anonymous Chickie said...

I think you should go with the grenades. They would be easy to paint so they could match your outfits. A form of protection and a fashionable accessory all in one.

9:57 PM  
Blogger L said...

moos: love the mullets site!

Larry: sometimes the NRA really scares me...

Frally: you can always move to Florida

Carol: ya gotta be careful about those landmines...

glomgold: a retro tommy gun look sounds like something I could pull off

Happy and Blue: ha ha ha!

rhodent: I wasn't able to post either

wearyhag: everyone should think twice about Florida

Vile File: I actually wanted to try shooting an AR15. I love the fact that you did a victory dance.

Chickie: apparently some artist has created some decorative hand grenades, as well as other fashionable weapons. I wish I could remember his name, though.

9:58 PM  
Anonymous mark said...

Wait a minute, you aren't allowed to shoot deranged motorists in Florida? I thought you guys were as progressive as we are in Texas when it comes to your legal right to eradicate varmints. Oh well...as far as weaponry, remember... autos jam, revolvers always fire. I'd skip the grenades if you are afraid of breaking a nail. Would avoid the bazooka too...the back flash could really screw up your upholstery in the car, fry your geraniums in your front yard, or worse, scorch the mullet off of your friend's head.

love the post!

9:58 PM  
Blogger L said...

thanks mark :)

9:58 PM  

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