Sunday, April 03, 2005

Beer: An Important Cog In Our National Machine


This weekend I helped run a beer truck for charity-- which sounds like a dream job for many, but is actually rather sweaty work for a such a dainty young person as myself. I might possibly have a nasty form of tendonitis from pouring and serving over ten million high quality beers. And by "high quality beer" I mean Bud Lite, which is now apparently the National Brew.

Hordes of drunken Floridians waved their drink tickets and clamored for more Bud Lite, which disappeared as quickly as I poured it. Crowds of hairy, balding men jostled for space at our rickety table while I sloshed beer on myself and my fellow workers. In the background, we could hear some vaguely horrid smoooooth jazz playing, but luckily it was overwhelmed by the progressively more excitable orders for Bud Lite.

It was really quite festive and Bacchanalian.

The entire process was inspirational, and I felt completely humbled to be participating in such an important event. Not only were our profits going to abused children, but we were patriotically contributing to the financial well-being of our country.

Because our National Economy is based almost completely on beer, we helped shape trends and vast market forces invisible to the naked eye. If it weren't for people like us, the entire economy would collapse completely, ushering in a new Great Depression and destroying the foundation of American finance. Together with the Breast, Beer is an important cog in our national machine; breasts are used to sell everything from shampoo to cars, and beer is the glue that holds the very fabric of our society together.

But while the Breast is highly revered and prominently displayed, Beer is frequently taken for granted. No one pays thousands of dollars to enhance their beer, and no one ever thinks about the social stigma attached to having a beer that is just too small. Beer is rarely brandished in a revealing manner, and when it is, people never notice. You never see an entire magazine pictorial spread devoted to beer, and no one ever gets terribly excited over seeing what a beer really looks outside of its case. And beer's contribution to social interaction is frequently overlooked, disregarded, or even criticized.

So today I'm running out to buy a case of beer; I want to do my best to help strengthen our economy and to contribute my part, however small, to our society. I hope everyone else does the same.

15 Comments:

Anonymous rhodent said...

Loved this one! Does this mean I should now get you Bud Lite instead of Port or fine wine when I come for dinner?

10:08 PM  
Anonymous Ian said...

I've noticed also that if a celeb's dress inadvertently droops enough to reveal a little bit of beer, THAT doesn't land her on every VH1 countdown for the next five years. VH1, it seems, also neglects the beer.

10:08 PM  
Anonymous Larry Jones said...

I believe I will have a few pitchers -- for the good of the children, of course.

And, "...Crowds of hairy, balding men..." Which is it, darlin'?

10:10 PM  
Anonymous cesca said...

Beer strengthens NZ's economy too... and our family's economy especially (husband works at the brewery...YES! Free beer!!)

10:10 PM  
Anonymous Vile File said...

If drinking is doing ones duty for the nations economy, I think I should, single-handedly, be able to turn New Zealand into the Monte Carlo of the South Pacific.
Only doing my duty, though. Not that I enjoy it.

10:10 PM  
Anonymous april said...

... perhaps hair in all the wrong places, right L dear? Bald men tend to grow out the hair wherever they can grow it :D

10:11 PM  
Blogger L said...

Rhodent: ah, I still prefer port or red wine

Ian: yes, it is SO unfair!

Larry and April: I frequently see balding men who are very, very hairy in all the wrong places :P

10:11 PM  
Anonymous dayna said...

Lucky !!! Any good drunk people stories?

10:11 PM  
Anonymous happy and blue said...

I shall buy beer this very instant. I never realized it's importance before. Thank you so much..

10:11 PM  
Anonymous green-eyed lady said...

You post such interesting randomness. I'm not a beer drinker...nor am I a breast displayer. (in public

10:12 PM  
Anonymous Sarah said...

Lol. Brilliant analysis. I would take a breast reduction over a beer reduction any day.

10:12 PM  
Anonymous mark said...

I will do my part for international relations and purchase Corona Light. Sorry, domestic beers suck. Now domestic bourbons, a totally different cask altogether...

10:12 PM  
Blogger L said...

sorry, no good drunk people stories. I was far too busy pouring Bud Lite.

10:13 PM  
Anonymous A said...

The only interesting drunk story I have is just that my favorite sister made a drunk call the other night...

...and it made me laugh for at least a solid 30 minutes... :)

10:13 PM  
Anonymous glomgold said...

I think the bald hairy-backed men do their part in displaying both their breasts and their beer via swollen bellies. It's the least they can do since they're not made of steel and therefore cannot adhere magnetic ribbons to their bodies.

10:13 PM  

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