Beer: An Important Cog In Our National Machine

This weekend I helped run a beer truck for charity-- which sounds like a dream job for many, but is actually rather sweaty work for a such a dainty young person as myself. I might possibly have a nasty form of tendonitis from pouring and serving over ten million high quality beers. And by "high quality beer" I mean Bud Lite, which is now apparently the National Brew.

Hordes of drunken Floridians waved their drink tickets and clamored for more Bud Lite, which disappeared as quickly as I poured it. Crowds of hairy, balding men jostled for space at our rickety table while I sloshed beer on myself and my fellow workers. In the background, we could hear some vaguely horrid smoooooth jazz playing, but luckily it was overwhelmed by the progressively more excitable orders for Bud Lite.

It was really quite festive and Bacchanalian.

The entire process was inspirational, and I felt completely humbled to be participating in such an important event. Not only were our profits going to abused children, but we were patriotically contributing to the financial well-being of our country.

Because our National Economy is based almost completely on beer, we helped shape trends and vast market forces invisible to the naked eye. If it weren't for people like us, the entire economy would collapse completely, ushering in a new Great Depression and destroying the foundation of American finance. Together with the Breast, Beer is an important cog in our national machine; breasts are used to sell everything from shampoo to cars, and beer is the glue that holds the very fabric of our society together.

But while the Breast is highly revered and prominently displayed, Beer is frequently taken for granted. No one pays thousands of dollars to enhance their beer, and no one ever thinks about the social stigma attached to having a beer that is just too small. Beer is rarely brandished in a revealing manner, and when it is, people never notice. You never see an entire magazine pictorial spread devoted to beer, and no one ever gets terribly excited over seeing what a beer really looks outside of its case. And beer's contribution to social interaction is frequently overlooked, disregarded, or even criticized.

So today I'm running out to buy a case of beer; I want to do my best to help strengthen our economy and to contribute my part, however small, to our society. I hope everyone else does the same.