Sunday, April 17, 2005

Taxes, Budgets, Shredders And A Houseguest

I have been posting somewhat sporadically this week, due to a houseguest leading me astray in a terribly irresponsible manner.

However, unlike my brother, I did manage to complete my taxes before the April 15th deadline. I am one of those poor, deluded souls who actually tells the unvarnished truth on my tax form; if this were widely known, I would be regarded with a great deal of suspicion as to my undoubtedly communist and dangerously un-American tendencies. To make up for this I procrastinate as long as humanly possible, just like every other red-blooded patriotic American.

Luckily, we are now only required to send in small vials of blood and our left thumb, which is quite a bit more convenient than the traditional arm and leg. I did waver a bit over deductible items and business-related expenses, however. Should I or shouldn't I deduct those adorable little outfits I occasionally wear to work? Should I deduct alcoholic beverages as they could be considered medical expenses? And should I account for beauty products as legitimate professional expenditures? Anyway, I shouldn't quibble over details. What's truly important is that our government receives as much money as possible in order to best purchase even more bombs, as well as to fund programs that tell poverty-stricken Africans not to use condoms.

After completing my taxes, I decided to create a little budget based on the prior year's activities. As you can see, misc. comprised the majority of my expenditures. To the best of my knowledge, misc. seems to be mainly things like cotton balls, trashy magazines and lipstick.

The whole budgeting thing was a bit vexing, so I decided to just sit around using my paper shredder, which is highly addicting. It cheerfully warns me not to shred a) paperclips b) neckties or c) my fingers -- which is rather fortunate, or who knows what sort of havoc I might wreak? So instead of wreaking havoc, I spent a rather pleasant twenty minutes just shredding old receipts and credit card offers; I love shredding; it's a bit like popping bubble wrap, so I had to stop myself before I shredded everything. It's my favorite Christmas present ever; when I received it I spent ages just shredding everything I could find; in fact, it's calling my name now...


Anonymous Vile File said...

Alcoholic beverages should definitely be considered a viable medical expense. And coffee and cigarettes. I wouldn't be able to cope with work without these essential substances.
I wish I were joking.

9:29 PM  
Anonymous weary hag said...

At least you clearly have your priorities in order. This is a good thing. Everyone needs more "misc" in their lives.
The shredder IS addictive. I only have one at work but I could spend half my day there listening to that nifty little bzzzzip sound it makes while eliminating eviden... (oops) unnecessary stuff.

9:30 PM  
Anonymous rhodent said...

Like to shred, aye? Come visit me a t work... I am waaaay behind in my shredding there. I even have conscripted the cook on his breaks to shred for me so I can get other work done. He likes to visit the girls in the office when he is between chores. so I decided if he had some spare time, I would put him to work. I can work, he shreds. Keeps the conversation to a minimum since we cannot hear each other very well. I can concentrate better because I am not gabbing, and he scores better on the "uses time wisely" rating.

9:30 PM  
Anonymous jpr said...

I want a shredder. I would put it on remote control wheels, give it googly eyeballs and chase snot nosed little brats doen the street with it.

9:30 PM  
Anonymous Frally said...

I used to work with this freak who was one of the most bizarre woman I ever met. She tried to claim echinaccea tablets as they helped her with colds in winter and she felt it was the governments responsibility to reimburse her for taking preventative measures. She also tried to claim all her clothing seeing it was for work.
Now I want a shredder! You damn shredder pusher!

9:31 PM  
Anonymous mark said...

I love shredders too! I find during a tax audit that putting the IRS agent's necktie through the shredder does wonders on his demeanor...especially if he is still wearing it.

9:31 PM  
Anonymous tickgirl said...

and here i thought your aquarium membership was your FAVORITE Christmas present... sniff

9:31 PM  
Anonymous that girl said...

I have a shredder plugged in next to my desk. I use it CONSTANTLY. more on stuff I don't HAVE to shred than the important papers I bought it for. It's just too fun!

9:31 PM  
Anonymous dayna said...

*LOL* Great post. I am the same with a pair of clippers in my hand. Keep telling myself, "just put the clippers down Dayna before the bush is gone". Doesn't help.

I now have 2 years worth of taxes to file. Thank God I never have to pay.

9:32 PM  
Blogger L said...

ah yes.... shredding is SO addictive.

and tickgirl: I think the Aquarium membership is definitely more fun than the shredder, but slightly less addicting-- so perhaps they tie I have used it several times, however....

9:32 PM  
Anonymous GEL said...

Love your pie chart. And ROFL-My kids *still* cannot resist popping that bubble wrap.

9:32 PM  
Anonymous glomgold said...

Shredders are great! But they really send out electical spikes or something because I think I've blown my speaker due to it.

9:33 PM  
Anonymous sarah said...

I totally envy your little tiny rent sliver...Our rent is almost one entire paycheck per month. Eeek.

9:33 PM  
Anonymous Ruby Badcoe said...

ā€œI love shredding.ā€ ā€“ Iā€™m glad that you find the activity quite enjoyable. Well, shredding presents lots of advantages for you, like reduction of clutter and protection from data and information theft.

3:45 PM  

Post a Comment

<< Home