I Attempt to Wrap Presents But Create a Huge Mess

I don't know how I manage to break the laws of physics, but when I wrap a few presents using two rolls of giftwrap I produce 32 tons of festive waste. There's paper, peanuts, shredded tissue and twisted tape everywhere-- but I have only wrapped FIVE items. Twelve others are waiting gloomily underneath the mess.

A friend told me that I "wrap like a man", so perhaps that's the reason.

The styrofoam peanuts are what really annoy me; they're a bit like plastic Easter grass in that they never truly go away. I am 31 years old, so it has been AT LEAST 15 years since my mother stopped giving us Easter baskets-- yet I still find bits of the stuff here and there, tucked away in corners, behind boxes, in closets...

It just keeps mutating like some irradiated organism from a badly dubbed 1950s drive-in flick: "Attack of the Grass!", "Evil is Green!", "Sod From Hell!", or maybe just "Grass, the Revenge!". It would have the unsuspecting all-American family (astronaut father, Stepford-style housewife, busty daughter, and a small dog) who attempt to celebrate Easter, only to discover that nearby nuclear waste has generated enough atomic energy to change innocuous Easter grass into deadly mutant plant life capable of destroying Life As We Know It. The police and National Guard are called in, but it is a young blond hero with chiseled features who manages to avert the lurking menace with a top-secret hydrogen-powered lawnmower. Of course he later marries the busty daughter and they all live happily ever after -- or at least until the sequel: "Grass II: Return of the Sod"

hmmm.... maybe I need to take a little less Benadryl next time....