Coughing, Hacking and a Lunch Date
They've started calling me "Wheezy" at work now; I suppose that qualifies me as the eighth dwarf since I'm not stubby with a beard like other techies I know. All I do is cough, hack, and stare morosely at my computer screen while avoiding meetings with other coughing and hacking people. It's like the latest nerd gang sign or something; you say hello and the other person coughs or wheezes at you while complaining about the weather. Ugh.
I had a nice lunch date today, though. Luckily I didn't try to meet him at the wrong Italian restaurant this time; instead, I accidentally invited him to a Middle Eastern restaurant after he told me how much he loathes Middle Eastern food. But we seem to get along rather well since we're both weird, charming, geeky and sickly; plus, he can beat me at air hockey.
Dating is SO awkward however. Especially when people "lean" in-- I mean, how can you tell if they are trying to shake your hand, hug you, or kiss you? Or maybe they've just tripped or something. And the whole paying thing is so confusing these days. I really wish I could just print out a little questionnaire and hand it out at the very first meeting:
***Please circle one answer per question***
(1) Paying on the first date?
a. I think the man should ALWAYS pay on the first date!
b. The man should pay, but the woman should pretend to rummage around her purse a bit
c. I am fine with going "dutch"
d. I am broke
(2) Displays of affection while dating?
a. I always have my hands/lips/other body part all over the other person on the first date
b. Only frigid people don't kiss after meeting for the first time
c. Hug or hand shake on the first date, possibly a kiss on the second
d. I have a germ phobia, so I don't like physical contact
(3) Dating intentions?
a. I'm looking for a one-night stand
b. I'm looking for a girlfriend
c. I want to enjoy myself and meet people, possibly find a girlfriend
d. My biological clock is ticking, and I've already bought the tickets to Vegas
(4) Manners?
a. I loudly announce all my farts
b. I will trample small children and animals in my manly dash to open your front door
c. I usually have excellent manners and I love my mother
d. I live in a fraternity house
(5) Politics?
a. Right-wing nutjob
b. Liberal weiner
c. Independant/open-minded
d. Nazi
(6) Sex?
a. I'm gay and/or celibate
b. Yes please
c. Only when I get to know someone well enough
d. I have a rubber/clown/pony/S&M/other fetish. Let me tell you all about it.
(7) Medical History?
a. I have a sexually transmitted disease/tumor
b. I like to complain about all my aches and pains
c. I have no major or abnormal issues that prevent me from enjoying life
d. I have had a psychotic breakdown, just like the rest of my family
(8) Hobbies?
a. All I do is watch sports/porn
b. I fish every weekend/play a LOT of golf
c. I have at least one interesting hobby and I like to go out
d. I don't like to leave the house
(9) Religion?
a. Cult member
b. Buddhist/Jewish/Hindu
c. Spiritual but not religious/Agnostic/religious but open-minded/Atheist
d. Apocalyptic Christian Fundamentalist/Southern Baptist/Voodoo priest
(10) Employment?
a. No thank you
b. I hate my job at Burger King/Denny's
c. I am currently employed with a career I enjoy or I am actively job seeking
d. I was just released from jail after going postal at my last company
***Thank You and Have a Nice Day***
I had a nice lunch date today, though. Luckily I didn't try to meet him at the wrong Italian restaurant this time; instead, I accidentally invited him to a Middle Eastern restaurant after he told me how much he loathes Middle Eastern food. But we seem to get along rather well since we're both weird, charming, geeky and sickly; plus, he can beat me at air hockey.
Dating is SO awkward however. Especially when people "lean" in-- I mean, how can you tell if they are trying to shake your hand, hug you, or kiss you? Or maybe they've just tripped or something. And the whole paying thing is so confusing these days. I really wish I could just print out a little questionnaire and hand it out at the very first meeting:
***Please circle one answer per question***
(1) Paying on the first date?
a. I think the man should ALWAYS pay on the first date!
b. The man should pay, but the woman should pretend to rummage around her purse a bit
c. I am fine with going "dutch"
d. I am broke
(2) Displays of affection while dating?
a. I always have my hands/lips/other body part all over the other person on the first date
b. Only frigid people don't kiss after meeting for the first time
c. Hug or hand shake on the first date, possibly a kiss on the second
d. I have a germ phobia, so I don't like physical contact
(3) Dating intentions?
a. I'm looking for a one-night stand
b. I'm looking for a girlfriend
c. I want to enjoy myself and meet people, possibly find a girlfriend
d. My biological clock is ticking, and I've already bought the tickets to Vegas
(4) Manners?
a. I loudly announce all my farts
b. I will trample small children and animals in my manly dash to open your front door
c. I usually have excellent manners and I love my mother
d. I live in a fraternity house
(5) Politics?
a. Right-wing nutjob
b. Liberal weiner
c. Independant/open-minded
d. Nazi
(6) Sex?
a. I'm gay and/or celibate
b. Yes please
c. Only when I get to know someone well enough
d. I have a rubber/clown/pony/S&M/other fetish. Let me tell you all about it.
(7) Medical History?
a. I have a sexually transmitted disease/tumor
b. I like to complain about all my aches and pains
c. I have no major or abnormal issues that prevent me from enjoying life
d. I have had a psychotic breakdown, just like the rest of my family
(8) Hobbies?
a. All I do is watch sports/porn
b. I fish every weekend/play a LOT of golf
c. I have at least one interesting hobby and I like to go out
d. I don't like to leave the house
(9) Religion?
a. Cult member
b. Buddhist/Jewish/Hindu
c. Spiritual but not religious/Agnostic/religious but open-minded/Atheist
d. Apocalyptic Christian Fundamentalist/Southern Baptist/Voodoo priest
(10) Employment?
a. No thank you
b. I hate my job at Burger King/Denny's
c. I am currently employed with a career I enjoy or I am actively job seeking
d. I was just released from jail after going postal at my last company
***Thank You and Have a Nice Day***
posted by L at 9:44 PM
7 Comments:
perhaps they are calling you weezy as in the jeffersons. do you live in a deluxe apartment in the sky?
Gosh, I am probably a huge dork because if a lady gave me a questionnaire like that, I would not only not be offended, I would take it seriously and think about my answers! You might be joking, but I think that questionnaire is a darn good idea. Big time saver, eh? :-)
I WISH I lived in a deluxe apartment in the sky...
And I AM a total dork, but I think a questionnaire is a good idea :)
So if the person wrote in that he's a nazi with a rubber-clownpony fetish, that'd be a sign to terminate the date, pronto, right? (can't trust those rubber clown ponies, when they make balloon animals it's like they're multiplying!)
I LOVE it! You rule.
I am sorry-- but I do not rule, unfortunately. If I ruled there would be NO lima beans, but possibly a national holiday for cheese
I might just print this out.
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