Monday, April 09, 2007

just so the men aren't left out...

We here at Random_Speak have consistently led the pack in informing women of the best in beauty products that target such "problem" areas as the face and the body. In keeping with our commitment to excellence, to-day we are proud to announce a line of superior beauty hygiene products for men!

Do you wish you looked like Clark Gable but have the face of Jimmy Durante instead? Search no further -- you can correct that hideously ugly nose! Just send away for our patent-pending facial harness to shape your flesh and cartilage! Wear it 24 hours a day and women will never notice your nose again!

Even if you have the perfectly masculine nose, you must be vigilant against the evils of "vacation har", which is the bane of athletic men everywhere. Without our product, just dipping your toe in the pool can cause your perfectly coiffed hair to resemble week-old roadkill, so don't forget to order it today!

While we provide the only true cure for vacation hair, we also recommend a regular maintenance program involving our electric-automatic Vitabrush, which gives your scalp and hair an invigorating "workout"! Not only is it relaxing, but it's also a lot of fun to use since you don't really have a real social life anyway.

Chances are that you also have terribly protruding ears, which means that women laugh at you whenever you walk by, and you are a social outcast. If you don't want to spend the rest of your life eating cold pizza alone, you need to send for our mysterious "Primset" apparatus to reset your ears immediately. Not only is it "comfortable" and "harmless", but it is also "invisible".

Those enormous pimples on your face are also quite hideous, which has completely blown all your chances at parties. But take a look at our catalog to order our state-of-the-art skincare products.

In addition to providing products that target the face, we also provide corrective measures for the average body. Try our new inflatable air shorts, which both massage AND slenderize "where you need it most". If you make sure to buy our special deluxe package, our patented air shorts can inflate in just the right place to provide YOU with a special deluxe package -- if you know what I mean (and I think you do).
(ad taken from ModernMechanix)

Of course, no skinny man has any sex appeal, so you will also want to try our new bulky He-Man diet formula with Ironized Yeast tablets. Thousands of thin, tired, nervous men have tried our product-- and now they all have successful jobs as Certified Nursing Assistants carting helplessly paralyzed damsels around.

Labels: ,


Blogger Cap'n Rich said...

Please rush all these products to me by UPS Overnight Air! Charge them all to my Social Security # which you have on file.

And thanks for pointing out my faults to me. You there at Random_Speak are the greatest.


2:42 AM  
Blogger irène said...

"Vacation Hair" is usually GREAT hair! If you are vacation at the beach that is; but I guess back in the slicked back 20's, the beach look was not so hot.

10:31 AM  
Anonymous tim said...

Ironized Yeast Tablets? I think that's possibly the worst thing you could put in your body.

3:06 PM  
Blogger L said...

cap'n: aye aye, Sir!

irene: yes, have you ever taken a good look at some of those old ads from the 20s? The men were all total greaseballs! I cannot believe they used to wear so much oil slicked in their hair.

Tim: oh, I could think of a few worse things :o

9:20 PM  
Blogger irène said...

I bet the ladies all had bad skin problems from having to make out with those greasy-haired lotharios.

I idolize Scott and Zelda Fitzgerald, but she really had the better hair.

9:25 PM  
Blogger L said...

irene: I wouldn't be surprised at all. In most of the old photos I've seen of people like Valentino, their heads are just gleaming with oil

9:33 PM  

Post a Comment

<< Home