Monday, March 03, 2008
Thursday, June 14, 2007
Procrastinating (Part II)...
I thought I'd post images from another "True Story" magazine-- this one from October 1935. I am supposed to be unpacking and tidying up, but I guess that's not happening!






















Labels: ha ha ha ha, old ads, true story
Wednesday, June 13, 2007
Procrastinating....
While my old apartment is nearly clean, my new house to-do list has grown tremendously during the past week and contains everything from getting insulation and a jacuzzi to caulking, painting, nailing, and installing secret bookcase passageways.Therefore, I have decided to procrastinate. Not only have I watched The Last Man On Earth, Night Of The Living Dead and The House By The Cemetery (all part of a housewarming gift -- yay!), but I have also gone antique shopping, explored a previously unknown *oriental supermarket and reread several stories by Luis Borges. Additionally, I may decide to learn Chinese.
While thrifting/antique shopping, I picked up a few hilarious old pinup and "true story" magazines from the thirties and forties. This one is from December 1935

Of course, it is full of thrilling and true-life stories of love at first sight, people lost at sea, crippled infants, adultery, men falling in love with their sisters, delirium, plastic surgery and young ladies dying after tragic falls from ponies (illustrated at left)

Among other things, it provides cautionary tales that warn severely against wives trying to state opinions or work outside the house. Everyone knows that stating opinions and working outside the house will make you have ugly children.

And we can't forget the stories that caution you against being a shallow gold-digging homewrecker. These stories always seem to contain a man named "Gil" or "Sexton", and the homewrecker always ends up working as a cheap waitress fending off drunken brutes while her lover commits suicide.

* my favorite oriental market purchases so far
1. a bag of "apple gummy", which states "Every drop of fresh apple juice carefully pressed from the reddest apples, shining in colors of the cheeks of a snow-country child, is yours to enjoy"
2. a bag of "muscat gummy", which states "Its translucent color so alluring and taste and aroma so gentle and mellow offer admiring feelings of a graceful lady."
3. bright red chopsticks
Labels: last man on earth, new house, old ads, procrastination, tragic falls from ponies, true story
Monday, April 09, 2007
just so the men aren't left out...
We here at Random_Speak have consistently led the pack in informing women of the best in beauty products that target such "problem" areas as the face and the body. In keeping with our commitment to excellence, to-day we are proud to announce a line of superior beauty hygiene products for men!
Do you wish you looked like Clark Gable but have the face of Jimmy Durante instead? Search no further -- you can correct that hideously ugly nose! Just send away for our patent-pending facial harness to shape your flesh and cartilage! Wear it 24 hours a day and women will never notice your nose again!

Even if you have the perfectly masculine nose, you must be vigilant against the evils of "vacation har", which is the bane of athletic men everywhere. Without our product, just dipping your toe in the pool can cause your perfectly coiffed hair to resemble week-old roadkill, so don't forget to order it today!
While we provide the only true cure for vacation hair, we also recommend a regular maintenance program involving our electric-automatic Vitabrush, which gives your scalp and hair an invigorating "workout"! Not only is it relaxing, but it's also a lot of fun to use since you don't really have a real social life anyway.
Chances are that you also have terribly protruding ears, which means that women laugh at you whenever you walk by, and you are a social outcast. If you don't want to spend the rest of your life eating cold pizza alone, you need to send for our mysterious "Primset" apparatus to reset your ears immediately. Not only is it "comfortable" and "harmless", but it is also "invisible".
Those enormous pimples on your face are also quite hideous, which has completely blown all your chances at parties. But take a look at our catalog to order our state-of-the-art skincare products.
In addition to providing products that target the face, we also provide corrective measures for the average body. Try our new inflatable air shorts, which both massage AND slenderize "where you need it most". If you make sure to buy our special deluxe package, our patented air shorts can inflate in just the right place to provide YOU with a special deluxe package -- if you know what I mean (and I think you do).
(ad taken from ModernMechanix)
Of course, no skinny man has any sex appeal, so you will also want to try our new bulky He-Man diet formula with Ironized Yeast tablets. Thousands of thin, tired, nervous men have tried our product-- and now they all have successful jobs as Certified Nursing Assistants carting helplessly paralyzed damsels around.
Do you wish you looked like Clark Gable but have the face of Jimmy Durante instead? Search no further -- you can correct that hideously ugly nose! Just send away for our patent-pending facial harness to shape your flesh and cartilage! Wear it 24 hours a day and women will never notice your nose again!
Even if you have the perfectly masculine nose, you must be vigilant against the evils of "vacation har", which is the bane of athletic men everywhere. Without our product, just dipping your toe in the pool can cause your perfectly coiffed hair to resemble week-old roadkill, so don't forget to order it today!
While we provide the only true cure for vacation hair, we also recommend a regular maintenance program involving our electric-automatic Vitabrush, which gives your scalp and hair an invigorating "workout"! Not only is it relaxing, but it's also a lot of fun to use since you don't really have a real social life anyway.
Chances are that you also have terribly protruding ears, which means that women laugh at you whenever you walk by, and you are a social outcast. If you don't want to spend the rest of your life eating cold pizza alone, you need to send for our mysterious "Primset" apparatus to reset your ears immediately. Not only is it "comfortable" and "harmless", but it is also "invisible".
Those enormous pimples on your face are also quite hideous, which has completely blown all your chances at parties. But take a look at our catalog to order our state-of-the-art skincare products.
In addition to providing products that target the face, we also provide corrective measures for the average body. Try our new inflatable air shorts, which both massage AND slenderize "where you need it most". If you make sure to buy our special deluxe package, our patented air shorts can inflate in just the right place to provide YOU with a special deluxe package -- if you know what I mean (and I think you do).(ad taken from ModernMechanix)
Of course, no skinny man has any sex appeal, so you will also want to try our new bulky He-Man diet formula with Ironized Yeast tablets. Thousands of thin, tired, nervous men have tried our product-- and now they all have successful jobs as Certified Nursing Assistants carting helplessly paralyzed damsels around.Labels: ha ha ha ha, old ads



