Procrastinating (Part II)...

I thought I'd post images from another "True Story" magazine-- this one from October 1935. I am supposed to be unpacking and tidying up, but I guess that's not happening!

just so the men aren't left out...

We here at Random_Speak have consistently led the pack in informing women of the best in beauty products that target such "problem" areas as the face and the body. In keeping with our commitment to excellence, to-day we are proud to announce a line of superior beauty hygiene products for men!

Do you wish you looked like Clark Gable but have the face of Jimmy Durante instead? Search no further -- you can correct that hideously ugly nose! Just send away for our patent-pending facial harness to shape your flesh and cartilage! Wear it 24 hours a day and women will never notice your nose again!


Even if you have the perfectly masculine nose, you must be vigilant against the evils of "vacation har", which is the bane of athletic men everywhere. Without our product, just dipping your toe in the pool can cause your perfectly coiffed hair to resemble week-old roadkill, so don't forget to order it today!









While we provide the only true cure for vacation hair, we also recommend a regular maintenance program involving our electric-automatic Vitabrush, which gives your scalp and hair an invigorating "workout"! Not only is it relaxing, but it's also a lot of fun to use since you don't really have a real social life anyway.






Chances are that you also have terribly protruding ears, which means that women laugh at you whenever you walk by, and you are a social outcast. If you don't want to spend the rest of your life eating cold pizza alone, you need to send for our mysterious "Primset" apparatus to reset your ears immediately. Not only is it "comfortable" and "harmless", but it is also "invisible".


Those enormous pimples on your face are also quite hideous, which has completely blown all your chances at parties. But take a look at our catalog to order our state-of-the-art skincare products.


In addition to providing products that target the face, we also provide corrective measures for the average body. Try our new inflatable air shorts, which both massage AND slenderize "where you need it most". If you make sure to buy our special deluxe package, our patented air shorts can inflate in just the right place to provide YOU with a special deluxe package -- if you know what I mean (and I think you do).
(ad taken from ModernMechanix)


Of course, no skinny man has any sex appeal, so you will also want to try our new bulky He-Man diet formula with Ironized Yeast tablets. Thousands of thin, tired, nervous men have tried our product-- and now they all have successful jobs as Certified Nursing Assistants carting helplessly paralyzed damsels around.

Happy Birthday Crazy Monkey!

Here's a little shout-out to my brother Matt (a.k.a "Tippy the Dog"), who was our resident Rube Goldberg growing up.

Happy Birthday little brother!


Here he is as a wee young whippersnapper having a chat with our little sister, Ally. This is probably around the time he accidentally set the toaster on fire.






Here the three older kids: me, Jason, and Matt. It's hard to believe we weren't making millions as child models! Just look at those charming good looks!
















Bonus photo of me and Jason!

due to circumstances beyond our control, blogging will resume this week

Well, the flight home was uneventful and correctly followed the airline industry's default operating procedure:
1. have the flight crew go mysteriously missing in order to delay departure
2. ensure that a minimum of one (1) mechanical problem is detected in order to delay departure
3. place sobbing infants at regular intervals throughout the cabin for maximum crying coverage
4. Give every passenger a copy of Skymall!

Yes, we here at Random_Speak love Skymall merchandise, which you can purchase from the comfort of your very own cabin seat, complete with mysteriously stained cushions, non-existent leg room and annoying seatmate (both the snoring and insanely talkative models are provided free of charge). Can one find a half-naked sumo wrestler table in just any catalog? I think not! Note the exquisitely pudgy arms, the straining facial muscles, the lifelike pallor, and the tasteful buttocks (delicately pointed away from the viewer). It's only $225.00!


For those with an intellectual bent, these Lord of the Rings/ Gollum bookends are the perfect gift. Note the winsomely adorable expression of the figure on the right. You'll return to the bookshelf again and again!





And then we have the artistic outdoor home decor, tailor-made for those who wish their landscaping could actually wear facial expressions. I'm considering this product, as I'd like my lawn to express its inner angst. The occasional water restrictions can really be quite vexing.








Uh, these are sort of weirdly cool actually.... I like the ones with the yellow ducks.