Tuesday, May 30, 2006

Still Swamped....

so here's some random photos from the month.... because I'm lazy like that

The Divine Miss C, me and Maelyn at Kathie's birthday party

Britta, me and Holly at the Independant, just before drunk-dialing random high school friends

me, Bill and Beehive Grrrl at the wig party

Allybrat and Charles at the river house for Memorial Day

my brother Matt (trying to hold me up) and me (trying not to fall asleep)

Lori and Allybrat at the river

Jodi and my mom at the river... it should be noted that, while most people bent on total world domination prefer to wear capes and spiky boots, Jodi prefers a small pink hat

Jeff amuses me

Zoe and Zack

Steve and Dave

NONE of my other photos turned out. ARGH

Thursday, May 25, 2006


Great news!

I'm almost done with my project, and I haven't killed anyone yet!!

Real posting will resume this weekend.

I lied.

Monday, May 22, 2006

Visions of Despair, Illusions of Hope

The pained sobbing and *thumb-sucking is starting to die down a bit now that my project only has a week and a half remaining. The nervous tics, the **horrid nightmares and delirium are will shortly be a thing of the past, and soon I will be dancing the can-can and ***eating enchiladas again.

In the meantime, of course, I've been searching for a suitable stress reliever.

Should I head on down to TobaccoLand and start smoking? I've never so much as picked up a cigarette before, but clearly it is a glamorous and fascinating hobby of the Stars. The pearly white teeth, the rosy complexions, the slicked-back hair.... no wonder 3 out of 4 doctors from the 1950s recommend it!

Luckily, if I start now I can smoke for Pleasure today, and avoid that pesky hangover to-morrow. ****After all, it is for my health.

* just kidding! I haven't sucked my thumb in months!

** Twice now I've had this dream where I'm having a dinner party at my apartment, and a bunch of co-workers are there, and somehow people keep getting stuck behind my refrigerator, and no one can figure out how to get them out, let alone how they got there in the first place, and it's all very bothersome. They keep poking their arms out and calling for help while the rest of us nibble on hors d'oeuvres and argue over whether or not to call the fire department. As I recall, most of the dinner guests wind up leaving for a movie or something, and I'm stuck listening to the others complain about how I don't dust behind the refrigerator.

*** I love asterisks! Also, commas

**** my most pointless post ever. blame my project

Saturday, May 20, 2006

Yet Another Post on Very Odd Art

No, no, no-- I didn't forget that yesterday was the 19th anniversary of the filing of U.S. patent # 4666425, which, as everyone knows perfectly well, was the first patent to describe a device for "maintaining metabolic activity in a mammalian head which has been severed from its body at its neck".

When keeping severed heads alive, it should be noted that "If desired, the surgical cuts may be made in such a manner that the larynx (which contains the vocal cords) remains attached to the head. The severed end of the trachea (wind pipe) may be sutured to a tube carrying slightly compressed, humidified air, so that the primate or human head may use its vocal cords if it is conscious."

In honor of said anniversay, we here at Random_Speak are presenting a brief Odd Art post focusing on the ouevre of artist Daniel Edwards, who sculpted three "sports collectible" death masks of famous Boston Red Sox player, Ted Williams. It should be noted that Ted William's head was actually removed and frozen at a cryonics lab called Alcor Life Extension Foundation in order to possibly be reanimated at some future time.

Regarding the incredibly pained expression, a nephew of Ted Williams has supposedly written: "I like to think the artist has portrayed T. W.'s unhappiness and discomfort with its frosty internment."

Thursday, May 18, 2006

Just Another Day in Florida

If you don't actually live in Florida, you will probably be amazed by the size of this alligator they just caught in the Miami-Dade area.

In other pointless news, this has been quite a busy day of puttering around aimlessly.

Ate a bagel.

Played video games.

Doodled a bit.

Avoided the gym, but did ooze on over to the coffee shop.

Ogled a UPS delivery man.

Trickled on over to a local costume shop called Features and tried on a few things: red and black can-can girl outfit, warrior princess, pirate wench, rotting zombie, etc. Played with a couple of swords and snakes and things. Saw what appeared to be an Elvis impersonator in civilian clothing rummaging through a section of pants. Discussed Key West festivities with a very odd person.

That is all.

Wednesday, May 17, 2006


La la la la la la la!

The birds are singing, the sun is shining, and I'm not working to-day. La la la la la! I've been decorating the beach instead.

Also on the agenda: loitering, napping, watching odd movies, meandering, doodling and eating nibbly cheese bits and things.

Movie Reviews for the Discerning Reader

Disco Godfather
This funky flick is amazing-- truly a work of amazing beauty and wonder! You have tight rollerskaters in hot pants, horrible acting, hilarious PCP freakouts, a groovy soundtrack, and Rudy Ray Moore wearing a spangled powder blue jumpsuit while tracking down a drug kingpin. He karate chops, he "gets down", he talks smack! He gets kidnapped and forced to inhale angel dust through a gas mask! He "puts his weight on it!" Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!!! I recommend watching it back-to-back with Dolemite whenever possible.

Last Hurrah for Chivalry
This one's a fantastic 1970s martial arts flick that starts immediately with a high energy, schlocky chop-socky fight sequence. Although John Woo directed, I didn't see a single bloody gun battle, but it's still full of violent fight scenes, a mystical sword, honor and vengeance. Despite the two dimensional characters, I really enjoyed the drunken wandering assassin and the showdown with the "Sleeping Wizard" who does kung fu in his sleep. I recommend watching it back-to-back with either Master of the Flying Guillotine or Duel to the Death.

But despite the lovely day off with a trip to the beach and the amusing films, I am still sadly without a personal masseur, a private jet, champagne and my very own pet monkey. Will this saga never end?

More terrible news:
I have Thursday and Friday off as well, and I haven't decided what I'm going to do yet. I have been wrestling with this horrible dilemma between naps and the beach all day!

possible options for to-morrow:
1. Clean my car and go to the gym
2. Tidy up the apartment and go to the gym
3. Eat ice cream and nap, then putter around doing nothing in particular
4. Go to the zoo and bake cookies and nap a bit
5. Go to the Aquarium and bake cookies
6. Take more naps, bake cookies and go to the beach again
7. Have go-cart rides at Malibu Grand Prix then take a nap
8. Go horseback riding then eat ice cream before napping
9. Balance the checkbook and go to the gym
10. Spend time at a lovely day spa and bake cookies

Monday, May 15, 2006

Gee, it's fun to phone!!

Have you heard the latest news?!

Federal agencies have been monitoring domestic communications without warrants for the safety of democracy and the protection of our civil rights!

And really, who cares about how many times that line's been used before?

Oh sure, all the commie pinko liberals will start protesting against the "abuse" of power and the so-called destruction of civil rights, but how else are we supposed to protect them?? This week you can whine all you want about the warrantless surveillance of Grandma harmlessly swapping cookie recipes over the phone with Marge next door... but before you know it, Marge starts dating a Palestinian biker named Abdul, Abdul forces Grandma into some Mexican money laundering scheme in exchange for cheaper prescription pills from Saudi Arabia, her weekly bridge club becomes a cover for an Al Quaida training camp in Nevada, and the terrorists have won!!

The only way to stop the slide down the slippery slope into a national nightmare? Spy on our fellow citizens at all times!

After all, "Freedom's untidy, and free people are free to make mistakes and commit crimes and do bad things," as Rummy has told us before. So why not take this necessary step to protect our freedom and privacy?

Coming Up Next:
a National DNA Database: a really terrific idea, or just a good one?

Tuesday, May 09, 2006

Absolutely swamped right now

It looks like I will extend my brief hiatus for an additional few days, due to an absolutely insane amount of work.

If anyone is wondering what those shrieks of pain are, they're me, working on my project.

Back to posting this weekend.


Well, I did something so unbelievably stupid (related to a male person) today, that it completely boggles the mind and leads one to think that perhaps I shouldn't be let loose in polite society. In fact, if there is a way to completely complicate any form of ordinary social interaction and infuse it with Perilous Awkwardness, I will find a way!

Perhaps it's a Nervous Disease

Apparently, there are all sorts of new and startling facts about nervous diseases these days, which leads us to the inevitable question: can we find a cure for this primary cause of nervousness, convulsions, neuralgia, apoplexy, paralysis, sleeplessness, nervous prostration, sexual weakness, epilepsy and dysplepsia?

While some physicians may recommend camphor, smelling salts, cod liver oil, or orange blossoms ("a positive cure for All Female Diseases every Lady can treat herself"), it should be stated that the only reliable medicine is, in fact, a very stiff drink, a very good novel and cookies.

And the danger constantly lurks, even as far back as the teen years-- which indeed are Perilous Years for girls. We become thin, pale and irritable, as well as droopy, languid and prone to backaches and breathlessness at the slightest movement.

But of course, we should never forget that we women are the lucky ones.

Apparently, men and young boys are especially susceptible to an especially insidious form of chronic nervous disease-- which may cause Indiscretion or Exposure in young men and those of middle age who are suffering from the effects of a disease that "unfits its victims for business or marriage".

However, we are glad to see that patients may be treated by Dr. Butts via mail.

Tuesday, May 02, 2006

Poll Rage

I am completely shocked by the "Poll Rage" incident in Cleveland today.


Shouldn't this sort of thing be happening in Florida instead?

Apparently, a voter became so enraged over the American political process that he went berserk-- damaging voting machines, attacking a bystander, and resisting arrest.

I am completely mystified as to why anyone in Ohio would feel frustrated or peevish over our government, the questionable political process, the stranglehold of conservative special interests, the morally bankrupt foreign policy, inadequate/unusable machines in Democratic precincts, or the pervasive political control by corporate entities.

Apparently I'm not the only one, as the article notes: "It's unclear what caused him to become upset."


My goodness, everyone's on MySpace these days!

George W. Bush
Dick Cheney
Donald Rumsfeld
Karl Rove
Big Oil
Bill O'Reilly
Kim Jong-il


Yes, I know I'm lame-- working my dainty little fingers to the bone this week.

Monday, May 01, 2006


I'm afraid the weekend was a bit much for my delicate young sensibilities, as I am all Partied Out.

Attended a lovely, geekish, belated birthday, congratulations on your thesis, farewell and good luck BBQ party for my brother Matt. Engineering students milled around aimlessly, delicious food was eaten, very bad jokes were told, and random antennas were pulled from pockets to be shown off. Conversation ranged from B movies and discrete math to shortwave radio, blackbottom pecan pie, puppies, my other brother (AWOL) and Hartford. Made a couple of new acquaintances, including a hyperactive carrot-cake enthusiast and a charming young man named after a Muppet.

Also attended a wig party, which was terribly amusing. I wore a Pocahontas wig, and my friend Bill wore dreadlocks and a bandaid. The scenery ranged from red beehives, pirate costumes and afros to mullets, mops, pillow shreds, Rapunzel tresses and wigs worn on shoulders. A few people fell over, but there was no harm done, really.

But I'm still a bit tired.

Conversational Snippets

"I wanted to bring one of my swords to the last party, but John freaked out. But really, how irresponsible does he think I am that I can't handle my own weapons?"

"You know, that fake armpit hair you're sporting is really gross, but I like the flower pot you're wearing."

"OMYGAWD! I know you! I remember meeting you: you're that professional magician we met at the New World Brewery, and you showered us with many card tricks, and you do film editing!"
"Um, no."

"I can't believe I have to go to Belgium tomorrow."
"Oh, the Belgians-- they're mad about comic books, aren't they?"
"Well, that doesn't do me any good. Anyway, I think I'm going to wear my shorts."
"You're wearing shorts to Belgium?"

"What's your favorite word? My favorite word today is 'awful'. I just love the way Bill says it: 'AWful'. It's so flamboyant. "
"I think my favorite word is 'vagina'."

"You're really bald, aren't you? It's sort of shocking."