Tuesday, May 09, 2006

Afflicted

Well, I did something so unbelievably stupid (related to a male person) today, that it completely boggles the mind and leads one to think that perhaps I shouldn't be let loose in polite society. In fact, if there is a way to completely complicate any form of ordinary social interaction and infuse it with Perilous Awkwardness, I will find a way!

Perhaps it's a Nervous Disease

Apparently, there are all sorts of new and startling facts about nervous diseases these days, which leads us to the inevitable question: can we find a cure for this primary cause of nervousness, convulsions, neuralgia, apoplexy, paralysis, sleeplessness, nervous prostration, sexual weakness, epilepsy and dysplepsia?


While some physicians may recommend camphor, smelling salts, cod liver oil, or orange blossoms ("a positive cure for All Female Diseases every Lady can treat herself"), it should be stated that the only reliable medicine is, in fact, a very stiff drink, a very good novel and cookies.


And the danger constantly lurks, even as far back as the teen years-- which indeed are Perilous Years for girls. We become thin, pale and irritable, as well as droopy, languid and prone to backaches and breathlessness at the slightest movement.

But of course, we should never forget that we women are the lucky ones.


Apparently, men and young boys are especially susceptible to an especially insidious form of chronic nervous disease-- which may cause Indiscretion or Exposure in young men and those of middle age who are suffering from the effects of a disease that "unfits its victims for business or marriage".

However, we are glad to see that patients may be treated by Dr. Butts via mail.

4 Comments:

Anonymous Professor Twain said...

Dearest Lainey,

Your Devoted Readers are of course dying to know what type of Blunder you might have made with a Male of the Species. My vivid imaginaton is running wild with the possibilities.

Of course you know that Hysteria was the 19th century explanation for these quirks in the feminine psyche, and that Hippocrates believed that a wandering uterus was the root cause. Besides the medications that were advertised for these woes, there were also special massage techniques and mechanical devices intended to sooth these feminine maladies. For a nice review, see:

http://www2.jsonline.com/alive/news/0329vibe.asp

However in your case I suspect that an evening of video games was a most appropriate treatment. First person shooter, strategy, or role playing?

10:46 AM  
Blogger L said...

My Dear Professor: a wandering uterus, eh? heh heh. I think I remember reading that before..... it was first person shooter, of course :)

Basically, I VERY awkwardly asked a guy to an event this weekend (I had the strong impression that he was interested in me and I had been told that he was single). He was VERY surprised and said he already had plans, but was interested in playing chess next week. Later, a friend told me that he is NOT single, and in fact is quietly dating someone else I know casually. Other people had said she indicated that they were just friends. SO, I am a bit confused and kicking myself over my unprofessionalism (he works for the same company). ?????

9:20 PM  
Blogger Green-Eyed Lady(GEL) said...

>>>handing you chocolate for commiseration- hope this enigma is resolved. Limbo and confusion is the worst.

6:50 AM  
Blogger L said...

Green-eyed Lady: it's been resolved I guess-- he's dating someone else after all! I was really supposed to be taking a break from dating anyway :)

10:53 PM  

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