Sunday, September 25, 2005

Adventures In Exercise

Having again achieved the zen-like state of being both skinny and flabby at the same time, I have decided to take a few personal training sessions at my new gym.

My personal trainer was a terribly nice young man. However, his arms are so huge that he appears unable to actually lower them. In fact, most of the men at my gym seem to suffer from this disorder; they all aimlessly roam the weight section, their arms sticking out from their sides. If we can relocate that sort of thing to my chest, then I will have considered my new fitness regimen to have gone above and beyond the call of duty.

The trainer began by giving me a series of tests to judge whether or not, in fact, I could afford him. Then he gave me a flexibility test, which I aced, and a balance test, which I flunked (as family will recall, I flunked hopping on one foot in kindergarten). He never actually managed to find my heart rate, so I had to assure him that I'm not actually dead -- and he finally gave up and scribbled something incomprehensible on his notepad.

He ran through the usual questions:
A.) Do you realize that a set of 6 personal training sessions is now more affordable than ever before?
B.) What are your personal fitness goals?
C.) Am you interested in the super-deluxe personal training package with sauna and massage?
D.) What are your nutritional habits?
E.) Are you aware that all sorts of personal training sessions are available?
F.) Do you want to fail miserably at fitness by not getting personal training sessions?
G.) How many personal training sessions would you like?

I told him my fitness goals were to look like Angelina Jolie with a really nice rack. But if he couldn't manage that, I said, then I would settle for being in good physical shape with more balanced muscle tone. I showed him my biceps (which are very nice), then showed him my triceps (which are terrible). But then he wouldn't stop giggling after I jiggled them for emphasis.

He ran through a series of arm, leg and ab exercises with me, which was rather tiring. Of course I never actually sweated. I just glowed. Ladies never sweat.

The gym itself is full of delicious eye-candy, but I came close to quitting anyway due to their horrible magazine selection: no trashy Cosmo, no trashier Weekly World News, no National Enquirer, no Star or any other gossip-rag. How on earth am I supposed to exercise, I ask you? Now I shall actually have to go out and buy the damn things.

But for now, I am attempting a regular workout schedule.... as long as I don't become a hulking, massive, orange-y chunk of manlike flesh like everyone else there.


Anonymous Professor Twain said...

Dearest L,
Given your interest in Victorian literature, dress, and customs, you should consider Indian Club exercises. You can find suitable equipment at an antique store or on ebay. Here is an old fashioned exercise guide from 1887 to get you started:
I am sure that you will appreciate that this is "Dick's Indian-Club Exercises" and find the opportunity to exercise your filthy mind as well!
I also recommend Alice Hoffman's book if you decide to become a serious Indian Club collector.

Professor Twain keeps his body taut and trim with an Indian Club regimen despite his advanced years.

10:54 PM  
Blogger Chickie said...

Weekly World News! When I was a kid, my best friend and I would foam at the mouth waiting for the newest edition to come out. This was when I thought if something were in print then it had to be true.

8:52 AM  
Blogger dreamgurl said...

Good luck with the new gym regime. I've never been able to make myself go. I did have a personal trainer come to me for awhile, some years ago, and that worked out great. It was very hard to weasel out of that kind of set-up!

11:12 AM  
Blogger Weary Hag said...

I've always thought that would be soooo wonderful - to have a personal trainer. Then too, I've always thought it would be sooo wonderful to like, win the lottery and pay off a hit man to do away with my former husband too. Pipedreams. They sure do keep us going, don't they?

Best of luck to you, your trainer and your triceps. haha

12:45 PM  
Blogger Rainypete said...

I tired a personal trainer once. I don't think he enjoyed having a client with a good sense of humor though. I never could get him re-booked after the first 6 sessions were up. I still feel rejected.

1:13 PM  
Blogger happyandblue2 said...

I was going to get a personal trainer once but when he talked about taking six sessions I thought he said sex sessions and I ran away.
Are you trying to get strong to look better or to hold on to a man. If you just want to hold on to a man then work on your forearms and wrists..

7:22 PM  
Blogger happyandblue2 said...

Watch out that you don't get anything caught in those spring chest exercise thingys..

9:16 PM  
Blogger portuguesa nova said...


Incidentally, I would kill for skinny and flabby.

12:12 AM  
Blogger L said...

Professor Twain: thank you for the exercise tips :) Perhaps we shall have meet at an Art Whore function and exchange anecdotes.

chickie: you mean it isn't?

dreamgurl: yeah, let's see if I stick it out...

weary hag: thanks! my triceps need all the help they can get

rainypete: I wouldn't take it personally... they're always staring at themselves in the mirror anyway

happyandblue2: that is a great idea! I shall definitely concentrate on the forearms and wrists then ;)

Portuguese Nova: well, it does look rather silly

7:12 PM  
Blogger frustratedwriter said...

Good luck on the exercise stuff. I hope your body tone will maximize the 20's look you are taking to New York.

4:15 PM  
Blogger L said...

frustratedwriter: thanks! only time will tell if I actually continue, I suppose...

9:42 PM  
Anonymous Mariana said...

Oh, I feel so guilty when people tell me they've taken up exercise. I keep coming up with all sorts of excuses and dead lines for when I'm finally going to start: after Christmas, after vacations, once the VCR gets fixed, after lunch... and then I fail every one.

Boy, now I'm depressed... By George that's it, I'll start exercising once the depression lifts!

10:25 PM  
Anonymous r* said...

Well, this is slightly ridiculous, but I make myself exercise by constantly buying myself sh*t. I used to have an old-skool CD walkman, so I'd buy CD's. I bought an iPod. I buy insane sneakers. Sweatbands, wristbands, hot sox, snappy shorts, whatever it takes to get myself excited.

Of course, I'm no less accesorized than anyone else on Bayshore, but it does work.

10:25 PM  
Anonymous jpr said...

Also, try to avoid turning green. Lou Ferrigno ended up green from lifting too much. Then there is Arnold. He ended up Republican and we all know thats the last thing you want.

10:26 PM  
Anonymous r* said...

and, oh yeah, that sounds terrible, being surrounded by all those muscle men for 90 minutes.

10:26 PM  
Anonymous Miss C said...

I can totally relate... I should be at the gym right now. Hmm. The only disturbing part of this scenario is that JPR felt it necessary to tell me I should read this post...I don't know how exactly I should take that. Hmm.

10:26 PM  
Anonymous rhodent said...

I'd take JPRs comments VERY SERIOUSLY! Neither orange or green are good colors for you... and if you ever turned Republican the earth would explode!

10:26 PM  
Anonymous april said...

Hehe, you have fun with that "exercising" thing. I'm, um, I'm going to just sit here. Or maybe take the puppy for a walk. That's as active as I feel like getting :)

10:26 PM  
Anonymous jpr said...

Unrelated sidenote: I have noticed that when I read any of your posts before writing mine I have a rather alarming tendency of using the word rather. Its rather odd.

10:26 PM  
Anonymous Heidi said...

According to my mother, authority on all such things, women "glisten."

10:27 PM  
Blogger L said...

mariana: heh heh

r*: I should probably try that myself

jpr: yes, no more Republicans for me

r*: oh, it IS terrible! It IS! I get neck strain!

Miss C: hmmm..... maybe he thinks you should buy the pinup outfits in the pics?

Rhodent: yes, it is a scientifically proven fact

april: oh, I will... when I manage to get to the gym

jpr: that IS rather odd and rather strange as well. Do you find it rather annoying?

Heidi: yes we do :)

10:27 PM  
Anonymous Lippy said...

I'm so glad someone else is having a gym experience like mine. Specifically, the eye candy. Lots of it at my gym. It's all those gorgeous Polynesian and Maori boys. There are also some rather absurdly enormous men there too. They're like large walls of man-flesh. When I'm standing close to them (which I do for a giggle), I feel very small and dainty. Even though I'm not. It's a wonderful ego boost and I thoroughly recommend incorporating it into one's workout.

10:27 PM  
Anonymous Comfort Addict said...

I am managing something much more mundane - fat and flabby. Just in time for my high school reunion, I went up to the heaviest weight in years. Now that it's over, of course, I hope that the weight will come rolling off. However, I'm not counting on it (since I can see 50 a couple of exits ahead).

The Weekly World News is my guilty pleasure.

10:27 PM  
Blogger L said...

Lippy: it IS a wonderful benefit to joining a gym

Comfort Addict: heh hehe... the Weekly World News should be everyone's guilty pleasure. where else can you read about how Elvis fathered Bigfoot's baby?

10:27 PM  

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