Wednesday, October 05, 2005

On the Accidental Acquisition of Men

I'm not really sure quite how it happened, but I seem to have accidentally acquired a man this week. It's quite the shocking turn of events. Just take a look at that lobotomized expression in the ad below. It could be us!

I'm hoping his intentions are dishonorable.

Of course, many will want to know what womanly wiles I used to trap this lucky young man.

"L", they'll say, "how did you do it?". Some might think that it was my night vision and stealth ninja skills, or possibly even my highly-sought-after bow hunting skills. The fact that I can write with my toes, cook a deliciously enormous leg of lamb and recite the alphabet backwards while chewing gum are also specialized talents that can drive men mad.

But in reality, my secret is Dr. Campbell's Safe Arsenic Complexion Wafers. As you can see, these "wonder wafers build one up, clear the skin quickly and bring out all charms." I am also considering Dr. Campbell's Safe Belladonna Eye Beautification Creme, just in case.

Of course, being the sensible young person that I am, I have already asked him the most important questions such as:
1.) Were you ever a porn star?
2.) Are you likely to ever go bald?
3.) Do you like board games?
4.) Do you mind enormous hats?
5.) What do you get when you multiply 6 by 9?

Are there any important questions I've missed?


Anonymous Professor Twain said...

The most important questions cannot be answered with words, but instead will be evident by deeds.

But if you must ask a question, I suggest "If,instead of being a boy, it had pleased God that you should be a bird, what kind of a bird would you rather be?"
(Page 14)
Choose wisely.

11:28 PM  
Anonymous barb said...

Hey! I can write with my feet too! Long toes help.

2:29 PM  
Blogger portuguesa nova said...

Ha!! I think you covered the most important stuff.

Dishonorably-intentioned men are the best.

12:30 PM  
Blogger L said...

Professor Twain: excellent suggeston, sir

barb: I think that means that we'll be evolutionary "winners" in the long run...

portuguesa nova: yes they are :)

8:28 PM  
Anonymous happy and blue said...

Are you married or dating some other tart.
Do you have any STD's.
If he answers yes to either of those get him to give you a peck on your arsenic coated cheeks.
If he answers no to the first two questions,and can provide proof, then ask him if he's rich.
If he says yes and can prove it then warn him about your arsenic coated cheeks.
Have fun..

10:21 PM  
Anonymous Rhodent said...

Is he good to his mom?
Is he a wiz at Scrabble?
Does he have any bartending skills?
How does he feel about crazy family Christmas celebrations?
Does he appreciate a warped sense of humor?
Does he know what he wants to be when he grows up?
Is he generaous? Is he romantic?
Does he possess unending patience?
Does he like CAts? How about rodents?

10:21 PM  
Anonymous Dune-yah said...

Is he still in love with his ex?
Has he ever been in jail?
If so, what for?
Has he ever been diagnosed with a substance abuse problem?
Does he think he might have an undiagnosed substance abuse problem?
What is his political leaning?
His stand on abortion?
His religious background?
Does he mind hot dogs for dinner on a regular basis?
Does he snore?
Does he have a high school diploma?

10:21 PM  
Anonymous r* said...

L, who really cares about any of these things?

A good makeout session tells you everything you need to know. If you've got it going on, the rest can be worked out, compromised, or ignored.


10:21 PM  
Anonymous Allybrat said...


10:21 PM  
Anonymous jpr said...

Are you insane?
Of course, this is actually a safe question because in our family does either answer really matter?

10:21 PM  
Anonymous April said...

I have no questions for you, but I'm sure happy for you! Hopefully he doesn't have another girlfriend and isn't psycho -- (crossing my fingers) good luck!

Oh, and Sunday's out for me -- I have another (gag) bridal show to go to, but I think that's the last one! Yay!

10:22 PM  
Anonymous Chickie said...

To-ma-toe or Ta-mah-toe?

10:22 PM  
Anonymous moos said...

SAFE arsenic - wow.

Preguntas - no. I'm sure that you have it covered. And insanity doesn't run in my family - it gallops - but none of us have papers to prove it - yet.

10:22 PM  
Anonymous Carol said...

How about "Are you taking any prescription medications?"

10:22 PM  
Blogger L said...

happy&blue: these are all excellent questions... I will keep them in mind

rhodent: hmmmmm.... I will let you know

dune-yah: excellent suggestions m'dear

r* : I see that you are as practical as I am! I agree... unless someone is a hardcore Republican, of course.

jpr: yes

April: dammit! I will probably go thrifting next weekend, if you are interested. The new flame may go as well...

Chickie: To-ma-toe

moos: I will definitely have to remember that line-- it doesn't run in my family; it gallops! Classic

Carol: excellent suggestion!

10:22 PM  
Anonymous Carmi said...

What are his thoughts on animal husbandry?
Red state or blue state...which one does he prefer?
Does he shop at Wal-Mart?

10:22 PM  
Anonymous Rhodent said...

Even though you have acquired a man, this does not relieve you of you blogging obligations... get with it girl! Besides, we are all in awaiting the latest gossip! After all!

10:23 PM  
Anonymous Green Eyed Lady said...

Fantastically creative post! Sounds ineresting in the romance dept and thank goodness you didn't mention using that "breast cream" from a previous post! lol

10:23 PM  
Blogger L said...

Carmi: hmmm... I haven't asked that one yet

Rhodent: I'm back, I'm back...

Green-Eyed Lady: heh heh. I do strive to make this a "family-friendly" blog. Except when it's not, of course.

10:23 PM  
Anonymous comfort addict said...

6.) What's your favorite football team (classic trick question)? Best answers: "I don't watch football" or "I liked reading 'North Dallas Forty'." Acceptable answer: World Cup.
7.) What's your favorite "Seinfeld" episode (classic trick question)? Best answers: "I don't watch television" or "Who's Seinfeld?" Acceptable answer: the episode where George pretends to be a marine biologist.
8.) What's your favorite art gallery (really tricky question)? Best answer: convincing knowledge of the best places by style and period or "I don't know much about art but I'm really interested." Acceptable answer: "I'm really more knowledgeable about music."

Seriously, L, good luck!

10:23 PM  
Anonymous NPR Junkie said...

Honey, you gotta find out how he feels about our less than esteemed leader. And then, tell him to kiss you.

10:23 PM  
Blogger L said...

comfort addict: GREAT questions!

NPR Junkie: hah! that was practically the very first thing I did find out

10:23 PM  
Anonymous Crazy Monkey said...

No matter how unimportant, does he remember what you said a few days ago about such and such?

This in itself answers a lot of questions. At the same time you can possibly get other useful insight.

Most importanly, you will quickly know that he either pays attention and is probably thoughtful in one way or another. -or- at best he is as absent minded as yourself and at worst he doesnt pay attention. in either of the latter two possibilites... you should probably toss him. You need to have someone to compliment your absent mindedness and if he doesnt pay attention, what good is he!?

the remainder of the obvious questions , and some not so obvious, will obviously play an imortant role. But this one, however, is a good indicator of future... along with the whole communication thing... but from what ive heard, that is pretty good...

If he is an asshole, i feel sorry for him and the wrath that precipitates from your creativity. =)

10:24 PM  
Blogger L said...

Crazy Monkey: you are a very smart man

10:24 PM  
Anonymous glomgold said...

Counting the alphabet backwards; that'd get me every time!
Question #2. Uh oh.

10:24 PM  
Blogger L said...

glomgold: well, question #2 is definitely not a deal-breaker, but it is good to know so a woman doesn't get too attached to the hair in question

10:24 PM  

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