Wednesday, May 25, 2005

The Right Way To Get Back Into Shape

I have achieved a strangely zen-like state of being both skinny and non-toned at the same time, so I have made the decision to get back into shape, thereby transforming myself into a perfect physical specimen not usually seen outside Brazil.

Being a reasonable yet charming sort of person, I (of course) look suspiciously at any of these trendy diet and fitness plans splattered all over the trashy magazine section. The all-grapefruit & yoga plan? Not for me! Pilates and organic juices? Too troublesome! Eating sensibly and moderate exercise? WAY too extreme!

Today was Day One of the New me.

1. one-half grapefruit with grape centerpiece (vegetable/fruit serving for vitamin C)
2. one extra large chocolate chip muffin (for fiber and one vegetable/fruit serving since everyone knows that chocolate comes from a plant)
3. two pieces of bacon (for protein)
4. one hot tea with plenty of cream and sugar (for dairy and and additional vegetable/fruit serving since everyone knows that sugar is from a plant)

1. one bowl of berries (vegetable/fruit serving with more vitamin C!)
2. one large chunk of manchego cheese (protein, dairy)
3. one hardboiled egg (protein)
4. one fruit popsicle (vegetable/fruit serving)

Midafternoon Snack: one slice of cheese pizza (vegetable/fruit serving, dairy)

1. home-cooked steak stuffed with sundried tomatoes, feta cheese, spices (protein, vegetable/fruit serving)
2. one artichoke with hollandaise (vegetable/fruit serving)
3. salad with cucumber and mango and poppy seed dressing (vegetable/fruit serving)
3. one baguette (fiber)
4. one glass red wine (vegetable/fruit serving)

It's quite obvious that I am ahead of the game, so to speak, as I am practically overdosing on the fruit and vegetables!

Gym workout:
1. leafing through trashy magazines
2. chatting on cell phone
3. one half hour on elliptical thingy
4. ten minutes of arm machine things
5. a couple of situps

Not only are the physical benefits of this regimen absolutely amazing, but the psychological benefits are also enormous! I am already beginning to resemble Angelina Jolie as I type this post! I really can't stress enough the wonderful benefits of this sort of program. I shall soon be the envy of all who meet me....


Blogger Larry Jones said...

You surely already are the envy. Chocolate chip muffin - mmmmmm.

12:25 AM  
Blogger Laziest Girl said...

So what is going to make your lips swell up? Do you have a mango allergy or do you need to start (or possibly just step up the already regular occurances of) kissing strangers on the bus?

1:00 AM  
Blogger frustratedwriter said...

Suddenly Dr. Atkins seems so bland. The wine/fruit serving is rather intriguing... would bourbon go down as a grain serving?

2:31 AM  
Blogger cesca said...

Ohmigod! So you're trying to tell me that I've been eating fruit and vegetables ALL DAY just by drinking copious cups of coffee and drinking red wine!

Yeehaaa! This is a diet plan that will sell well. (Maybe if I'm quick I can steal it off you and flog it to the women's mags first...)

3:13 AM  
Blogger happyandblue2 said...

Can't wait to see the before and after pictures..

8:50 AM  
Blogger Rainypete said...

That system is mind bendingly effective. I can feel myself toning up just having read through it. A few more reps and I'll be good to go!

2:29 PM  
Blogger Carol (Smiles and Laughter) said...

You should write a book! All the others do that develop diets. And no matter how crazy they are they seem to make millions!

12:25 AM  
Blogger Nyx said...

Thank you for the wonderful advice. I am now off to overindulge in my favourite fruit serving - red grapes, albeit a bit squashed and liquidy.

2:24 AM  
Blogger Nyx said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

2:24 AM  
Blogger portuguesa nova said...

Any diet that includes Hollandaise is quite simply the most brilliant diet I have ever encountered in my life.

And...I think your might be the first Hollandaise I've ever run across.

You will be my new diet guru.

5:08 PM  
Blogger Nyx said...

After double posting before I'd though I'd go for three and enquire as to how the diet is coming along? Got Angelina's lips yet?

7:36 PM  
Blogger L said...

larry: chocolate is an jmportant part of every diet

laziest girl: I am Giving Up Men, so it will have to be an allergy, I'm afraid.

frustratedwriter: bourbon would definitely be a grain serving!

cesca: feel free to steal it :) I'm sure it will be immensely popular!

happy&blue: hmm....

raineypete: I feel this diet is truly the way to go...

carol: if I (or Cesca) publishes this, I will let you know immediately :)

llcoffee & portuguese nova: I'm glad I could help :)

llcoffee: no lips just yet, just man issues

9:59 PM  
Blogger Lippy said...

Brilliant food regime and sure to be a winner. I think I'm overdosing on the fibre part though, because sugar comes from sugar cane and it's fibrous. Right? Er, yeah, I'm pretty sure that's right...

6:33 AM  
Blogger L said...

lippy: sugar is a vegatable!

10:31 PM  
Anonymous panthergirl said...

I've got the same problem right now, but I'm digging your workout routine!!

10:31 PM  
Anonymous jpr said...

What you really need is a personal trainer who will move all of your limbs in the appropriate manner for you. Then you can just sit there, eat grapes/milano cookies and read without having to waste your valuable brain cells on mundane excercise routines.

10:31 PM  
Anonymous moos said...

Sounds like a great plan. And now I gotta go - 'cause you made me hungry.

10:32 PM  
Anonymous comfort addict said...

Do you have a publisher yet? You could call it "The Anti-Fernando Diet: It Is Better to Feel Good than Look Good."

10:32 PM  
Anonymous rainypete said...

THis sounds like the most efective diet plane I've read in ages. Why, I can feel myself toning up having simply read it! A few more repetitions and it will be speedo time.

10:32 PM  
Anonymous editengine said...

Well, you left out the protein shake that you can get at the gym. I swear by the recipe my gym uses...

1 scoop protein powder over ice.

1 splash of apple juice

1/2 banana

1 spoonful of peanut butter

the enitre contents of a family size container of Hershey's chocolate syrup.

Yummy and quite healthy they assure me.

10:34 PM  
Blogger L said...

I feel quite sure that, if I were to publish this diet, it would become an immediate bestseller...

10:34 PM  
Anonymous weary hag said...

You sound so dedicated already! I like the diet plan... like the exercise plan even more. I may be forced to give this a try. I'll never look like Jolie cuz she'd look pretty funny in silver hair (ew), but maybe I could just look like some hot old chick.

10:34 PM  
Blogger L said...

yes, I am dedicated :)

10:34 PM  

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