Wednesday, March 30, 2005

Top Scientists Alarmed At Orlando Invasion Of Pod People

The rapid growth of terribly bland housing developments in the suburbs of Orlando is hiding a shocking secret that threatens biodiversity as we know it, according to a top-secret scientific study commissioned by an unnamed government agency. This insidious expansion of treeless developments with names like "Oak Forest" and "Cedar Estates" seems innocuous enough but is, in reality, merely a cover for the sinister Pod People.

Astonishingly, this near-silent invasion was predicted in a searing expose cleverly disguised as a science fiction movie called Invasion of the Body Snatchers, but was disregarded by a cheerfully complacent American public in the mid 1950s.

The disastrous result is that Orlando, Florida has now become the first city to be infiltrated by pods that have travelled from outer space to replicate and take the place of humans. Even with only "moderate" future growth of replicating Pod People, the average human population in the region could decrease by between forty and sixty percent by the year 2010, according to the classified Extraterrestrial Impact Assessment (EIA) report published by an international team of 300 researchers this week. According to one of the estimates used, the current population of Pod People could infiltrate the planet completely as early as 2020 unless something is done.

Life Cycle Of The Pod Person

The life cycle of the Pod Person consists of three stages: seed, larval pod, and adult human replicant. The larval pod is the most vulnerable stage, as it requires close proximity to a living human necessary for the next stage of the life cycle. After successful replication, the actual human is terminated so that the Pod Person may take over its new identity and mingle freely with the remainder of the population.

After replication the Pod Person resembles a typical, fine upstanding American, virtually indistinguishable from his neighbors. However, he or she has been sapped of emotional individuality and strives only to conform to a completely regimented society. They can occasionally be recognized by the following:

1. a bland suburban "home" in beige or taupe, which is surrounded for miles by identical homes in a gated or restricted community-- each with a perfectly green lawn that has been sprayed and fertilized into submission

2. one or more sports utility vehicles

3. matching clothing, generally in neutral tones, which may only belong to one of four or five approved designer brands

4. approved human activities and conversation topics limited strictly to work, golf/football, shopping and popular television shows

5. an overwhelming directive to consume conspicuously and then replicate

The Pod People assemble daily in a central location, where a loud speaker reads off the day's orders; additional commands are broadcasted subliminally and continuously from all television sets, which are required in each home. Neighboring humans who refuse to knuckle under to their directives and assimilate to what has been newly defined as the "American Way" will be replicated and terminated.

"We must resist the invaders and their attempts to erase humanity from the face of the earth," warned one top scientist. "It is important, because what is going on there is what will happen on the rest of the planet", he said, "but it may already be too late. Orlando is just the beginning."

* unidentified scientists examining larval Pod Person discovered recently in Orlando, Florida


Blogger Ron Southern said...

Get out of Orlando, quick! After that, what real harm could a podding do? I'll send a truck from Texas and then we can just pretend we're spraying for skeeters. Be over with in no time.

11:49 PM  
Blogger frustratedwriter said...

This invasion would explain South Texas too. Hmm...wonder if the pods taste like chicken.

1:34 AM  
Blogger Chickie said...

This explains everything for me! I thought everyone here was suffering from a botched lobotomy. I'm glad there is a gentler explanation.

11:43 AM  
Blogger Rhodent said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

12:15 AM  
Blogger Rhodent said...

That is the perfect explanation for all of the new housing we saw on Sunday. Just think! If your mum hadn't let you watch all of those grade B movies on Saturdays while you were growing up there could have been a pod "L" lurking around Tampa. Thank goodness you were educated on the subject in time!

12:15 AM  
Blogger L said...

They are everywhere! Run for your lives!

12:46 PM  
Anonymous Frally said...

They are definitely invading NZ as well. Bland gated communties are popping up everywhere. RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!

8:24 PM  
Anonymous Rachel said...

Has Disney bought it yet?

8:25 PM  
Anonymous Carol said...

It's corporate America gone wild.

The pod people have invaded Texas at an alarming rate. Except they DO plant sticks for trees here. It doesn't do much but it makes them feel better.

8:25 PM  
Anonymous Happy and Blue said...

Crap. Scientists are on to us. When did that happen..

8:26 PM  
Anonymous Gina said...

Things have been so hectic here that I haven't kept up with reading my favorite blogs. I think you are on to something with the pod people! LOL

8:27 PM  
Anonymous April said...

speaking of cookie-cutter in (near) Orlando, have you ever been to Celebration? It's very spooky ... Edward Scissorhands sort of place.

... and speaking of Edward Scissorhands, did you know the neighborhood that they shot that in is over in Land O Lakes? It's something like Carpenter's Run or something like that.

... I know, I'm so good at being off-topic, right?

8:29 PM  
Anonymous Sarah said...

lol. These developments are truly scary. I recently watched a documentary that said the ironic thing about suburban subdivisions is that they are almost always named after the things their existance destroys: Cedar Estates, Pine Grove Hill, Oak Forest, etc...

8:32 PM  
Anonymous jpr said...

They actually name the developments after the one piece of nature left behind. Cedar Estates is named for the one cedar tree that is left.
They actually had marketing surveys for more realistic names like Asphalt Hills and Cookie Cutter Estates but for some reason people just didn't respond well.

8:32 PM  
Blogger L said...

Frally: watch out! you could be next!

Rachel: Disney is in on the conspiracy. They help run it. Notice that the pod person in my Life Cycle link is really Michael Eisner.

Happy and Blue: LOL

April: we passed right by Celebration last weekend -- very creepy. I had heard about the Edward Scissorhands site, but hadn't actually seen it yet....

jpr: ha ha!

8:32 PM  

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